111 "Christmas"
continued...
[~ Crumb, Gary, Detectives at a department store, in front of a bin full of teddy bears. ~]
CRUMB:
Anything else to tell me about, like
giant spiders or flying saucers?
GARY
Just a bomb in a teddy bear.
CRUMB:
What have we got?
ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
We cleared the building, plus we got
fire trucks out front. Anything else?
CRUMB:
My Christmas tree lights at home
ain't working. Get me some of the big fat kind, not the skinny
ones.
ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
Yes, sir.
CRUMB:
So this is where the little birdie
told you the bomb was going to be?
GARY
Yeah.
CLERK:
Excuse me. Are you the detective in
charge here?
CRUMB:
That's me.
CLERK:
Do you realize what you're doing?
You've shut down this store on the busiest day of the year.
CRUMB:
So?
CLERK:
So the owner is very close to the
mayor.
CRUMB:
(To Gary) This time you're sure?
GARY
Yeah.
CRUMB:
No chance you're mistaken?
GARY
No.
CRUMB:
Be sure to get red ones and nothing
that twinkles. All right. Come on, boys, tear them open.
[~ Street. Chuck and Santa walking quickly. ~]
CHUCK:
I don't believe this. What have I
done?
SANTA:
You just broke out of jail.
CHUCK:
I just broke out of jail -- me, chuck
Fishman. I've busted stir. I'm a felon.
SANTA:
Relax. You just did something nice.
CHUCK:
I did?
SANTA:
You got a buck?
CHUCK:
No. They took my wallet. Oh, my god.
They know who I am.
SANTA:
What about your pockets? Maybe you
got a quarter.
[~ Chuck produces some coinage. ~]
SANTA:
Oh, good.
[~ Santa drops the coins into the bell-ringer's bucket. ~]
SANTA:
Keep up the good work.
CHUCK:
Oh, great. You know what? This is
insane! I mean, look at you. You don't even look like the guy.
Where's your beard? You're a fake just like all the rest of them.
[~ Santa doubles over in pain. ~]
CHUCK:
What's wrong? What's wrong?
SANTA:
Y-you're not believing again.
CHUCK:
Oh, man.
SANTA:
Go on, take it back.
CHUCK:
Okay. Okay, fine. Fine. I take it
back, okay? I take it back.
SANTA:
You got to watch out for that kind of
stuff. Okay, I'm all right. Let's go.
[~ Department Store ~]
ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
No bomb.
CRUMB:
You're sure?
ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
We're sure.
CRUMB:
No bomb?
ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
No bomb.
CRUMB:
That's too bad.
ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
Want us to start on the elephants?
CRUMB:
Skip it.
ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
Yes, sir.
CRUMB:
Any thoughts?
GARY
I don't understand. It doesn't make
any sense. It was supposed to be here.
CRUMB:
Maybe I can help you out. You see,
I'm a policeman, and you're a lunatic.
GARY
Now wait a second --
CRUMB:
That's why we got stuffing coming out
of our ears. Furthermore --
GARY
(at same time) Oh, that's good. Let
me tell --
ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
There's a phone call for you.
CRUMB:
One guess -- the mayor.
ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
Correct.
CRUMB:
You got three minutes to come up with
an explanation. After that, I'm putting you in a straight-jacket.
[~ Gary pulls paper back out and checks story: WHITE CHRISTMAS AFTER ALL ~]
GARY
I don't get it. I don't get it. I
don't get it.
[~ Gary walks past a shelf of panda bears playing music and does a double take. Behind a panda is a teddy bear with a note on it: "I've got my eye on you." ~]
[~ Street, Chuck and Santa walking; Santa is checking the doors on the cars as they walk by. ~]
CHUCK:
I got it. I'm dreaming. This is all
because of some hot sauce I ate.
SANTA:
I doubt it.
CHUCK:
Any moment now, I'm going to wake up
and find myself laying in a gutter -- drunk, which will be just
fine with me. What are you doing?
SANTA:
We're going to need wheels.
CHUCK:
You're stealing a car?
SANTA:
Shh!
CHUCK:
Oh, no, no, no, no. Look, I already
got a record because of you. I'm not going to add grand theft
larceny to the list.
SANTA:
Fine! Go!
CHUCK:
You betcha I'm going.
SANTA:
But remember this -- if I am who I
say I am, you're walking away from the one chance in your life to
do something good for the world, if that means anything to you. I
think it does.
CHUCK:
Okay.
SANTA:
Get in.
[~ In car, short time later ~]
CHUCK:
Thought you said we were going to the
park.
SANTA:
We missed it. We need to meet at the
next stop.
CHUCK:
Where is that?
SANTA:
Cleveland.
[~ Department store. Crumb has just hung up the phone. ~]
CRUMB:
All right, let's wrap it up! 86 the
dead bears and let's get out of here.
GARY
Hey, Crumb! Crumb, I found another
note.
CRUMB:
Good for you.
GARY
What do mean, good for me? Don't you
want to read it?
CRUMB:
No, thanks.
GARY
I think you should. I think I know
what's going on now.
CRUMB:
That's nice. I'm thrilled.
GARY
You're thrilled?
CRUMB:
Tell it to the new guy.
GARY
Tell it to the --. Wait. What new
guy?
CRUMB:
The poor schlub they're going to
bring in to handle this thing. Me, I'm going to go home and hang
Christmas lights.
GARY
You're going to -- wait a second.
You're off the case?
CRUMB:
The mayor wants results. I don't got
them. See ya. Whatever happened to cabbage patch dolls? The heck
with it. I need a drink. Come on, you're buying.
[~ McGinty's bar. Crumb is at a table. Gary enters and wends his way over. ~]
GARY
Excuse me. Excuse me. Thanks. You
okay?
CRUMB:
Yeah, I'm great.
GARY
Listen, crumb --
CRUMB:
It's Christmas eve, I'm off the case,
maybe out of a job. 30 years on the force down the toilet. How
could things be bad? Here, merry Christmas.
GARY
Maybe you should get something to eat
with that.
CRUMB:
Like what, Christmas crow?
GARY
Listen, you can't let this get to you.
Giving up is not the solution.
CRUMB:
Who says? This beer is flat.
GARY
Somewhere out there, there's a guy
planning on killing people.
CRUMB:
With what, love notes?
GARY
Sooner or later, he's going to
succeed.
CRUMB:
You know what gets me? It's not this
crummy bar or that my bunions ache or that I staked my pension on
the word of some nut that reads tea leaves. What gets me is I'm
never going to see this guy's face. I just wish I knew how he did
it.
GARY
He was watching you.
CRUMB:
What?
GARY
Listen to what I'm saying. This guy
knew where we were. We thought we were following him, but we
weren't. He was following you. It's cat and mouse, and you were
the mouse, Crumb.
CRUMB:
All right, that's it. He ticked me
off. I'm going to track this guy down if it takes me the rest of
my life.
HOWIE:
Excuse me. Detective crumb?
CRUMB:
Yeah?
HOWIE:
I have a message for you.
[~ Howard opens his coat to reveal an explosive teddy bear strapped to him. ~]
HOWIE:
Nobody move! Nobody move! Nobody move!
Nobody! Nobody move.
[~ Gary glances at his paper. Headline: CHRISTMAS EXPLOSION - 40 DEAD AT McGINTEY'S [sic] BAR ~]
[~ Cut to commercial. Return to Chuck and Santa in car. Santa driving erratically down the streets of Chicago. ~]
SANTA:
I'm not used to steering with a wheel.
CHUCK:
Gee, I never would have guessed.
SANTA:
Easy, big boy.
CHUCK:
Do you even know where you're going?
SANTA:
To the highway.
CHUCK:
The highway's down here?
SANTA:
It's a shortcut -- go left at Angela
Monahan's house, the one with the stucco chimney. She's naughty...
But nice.
CHUCK:
I wish Gary were here.
SANTA:
Gary who?
CHUCK:
He's a friend of mine -- Gary Hobson.
You know him?
SANTA:
Natch.
CHUCK:
Okay, then tell me, what's different
about him?
SANTA:
Different?
CHUCK:
Yeah, that's right, different. You're
Santa Claus. You should know.
SANTA:
Well, let's see. He's got a mole in
his armpit.
CHUCK:
What else?
SANTA:
Batted .461 in little league.
CHUCK:
He gets tomorrow's paper -- today.
SANTA:
Oh, that. I thought you meant
something unusual.
[~ McGinty's. ~]
HOWIE:
One more scream, and I'll set this
thing off. Tell them I mean it.
CRUMB:
Everybody be calm. He's not going to
hurt you. He came here for me. That's right, isn't it?
HOWIE:
You betcha.
CRUMB:
You want to tell me why?
HOWIE:
I thought we should meet.
CRUMB:
Fine, nice to meet you. Why don't we
go outside and talk?
HOWIE:
You were following me.
CRUMB:
Of course I was following you. That's
my job.
HOWIE:
And you... You were helping him. I
saw you.
CRUMB:
Some help.
HOWIE:
Ha, ha, ha. But I fooled you, didn't
I? But we won the game. We won the game.
GARY
That's right. That's right. You won
the game, so why don't we end it right now?
HOWIE:
Oh, because we haven't played the
last round yet.. The part where we all go boom... In, uh, 12
minutes.
[~ Chuck and Santa in car. ~]
CHUCK:
Okay, I think I've got this thing
figured out.
SANTA:
What's that?
CHUCK:
What we're going to tell the cops.
[~ Santa comes to abrupt halt at a stop sign. ~]
SANTA:
Sorry.
CHUCK:
We plead insanity, okay?
SANTA:
Who, you or me?
CHUCK:
We tell them you ate too many french
fries. You lost your mind. You abducted me at gun-point, right?
SANTA:
I don't approve of guns, except for
the toy ones.
CHUCK:
All right, fine, a toy gun. We call
them up, and we turn ourselves in, and then we sell the whole
story to Oprah. Holy cow. We might even end up ahead.
[~ A police car pulls up behind them. ~]
SANTA:
I wouldn't count on it.
POLICE:
This is the police. Turn off your
engine and put your hands on the dashboard.
CHUCK:
Just act natural.
SANTA:
I am acting natural.
CHUCK:
I mean, don't act like Santa Claus.
SANTA:
That's going to be hard.
CHUCK:
Remember -- french fries, Oprah, book
deals, okay?
SANTA:
Right?
[~ The police officers walk towards the car; Santa screeches off through the intersection. ~]
CHUCK:
What are you doing?
SANTA:
I know them both. Neither of them is
nice.
[~ McGinty's ~]
HOWIE:
Oh, no. I think it's going quite well
-- all according to plan. I just hope we didn't forget anything.
Hmm. You watch them. I'll write the note. Let's see, ah...
CRUMB:
This guy is nuttier than a snickers
bar.
GARY
We got to get him away from that bomb.
CRUMB:
How do you suggest we do that, ask
him "pretty please"?
GARY
After he's done.
HOWIE:
Uh, rats...moles... Bats... And
weasels. Yeah. The hour has come.
CRUMB:
That's it. We got to rush him.
GARY
Yeah, and soon.
CRUMB:
On the count of three. You ready?
One, two --
[~ Crumb and Gary take a step towards Howard. He sees them and holds the teddy bear up again. ~]
HOWIE:
I told you not to move! I told you!
GARY
Okay.
HOWIE:
I'll blow it now.
[~ Street near McGinty's. Chuck and Santa running. ~]
CHUCK:
Come on, Kris Kringle!
SANTA:
I'm right behind you! Why did we have
to ditch the car?
CHUCK:
Because you stole it.
SANTA:
I was going to give it back.
CHUCK:
And reindeer have wings.
SANTA:
Only when they're pups.
[~ McGinty's ~]
HOWIE:
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
CRUMB:
Hey, you with the animal. I think
it's time we had a talk.
HOWIE:
There's nothing to talk about.
CRUMB:
Yeah, well, got something to talk
about. I'm old, I'm tired, my feet are flat. You want to blow me
pie hey, go ahead. I probably deserve it anyway. But before you
do, think about this -- it's Christmas eve. All over the world,
people are getting ready for... What, I do not know. Neither do
they, but it's important -- something worth waiting for. That's
the same with these people here -- they all got someplace to go,
somebody who needs them. Me, I don't. So why don't you let them
go? You don't want them, you want me. So come on, what do you
say? Make Santa happy.
HOWIE:
Santa?
[~ Door bursts open and Chuck enters, followed by Santa. ~]
CRUMB:
Who the hell is this?
HOWIE:
I'll blow it now!
GARY
Chuck, get the hell outta here now!
CHUCK:
I can't! I --
[~ Door bursts open again. Cops with guns enter. ~]
CRUMB:
Oh, good. Perfect
HOWIE:
I'll blow it now!
GARY
Drop your guns! The guy's got a bomb!
CRUMB:
You heard him! Now!
SANTA:
Did he say a bomb? On Christmas eve?
That's naughty if I ever heard it.
CHUCK:
Oh please, do me a favor just this
once.
GARY
Look, mister --
HOWIE:
Stand back.
GARY
You don't want to do this. I know you
really don't want to do this.
HOWIE:
One more step, and I'll set it off.
SANTA:
Ralphie?
HOWIE:
What?
SANTA:
Ralphie Milhouse, right?
HOWIE:
No, that's not my name.
SANTA:
Sure, it is. You're little Ralphie.
HOWIE:
No. I am not. I'm Howard Phillips.
SANTA:
Oh, that's right. Howard Phillips. I
always got you two confused. So, what are you doing here?
HOWIE:
What does it look like I'm doing?
SANTA:
Howie Phillips.
HOWIE:
Who is this?
GARY
I don't know.
SANTA:
You know, you used to be one of my
favorite kids. Nice, year after year. Very consistent. Remember?
I got you your first chemistry set.
HOWIE:
I don't remember.
SANTA:
Oh, you remember. It had all those
little test tubes. Plus, I got you a teddy bear, too. Then
something happened. What was it?
HOWIE:
You're not really Santa.
SANTA:
Oh that's what happened. You stopped
believing, and I remember the day. I was standing in the workshop
helping the elves make pachisi sets when all of a sudden I got
this hurt, you know, an ache right in my heart. Like some little
piece of joy had suddenly withered away. Mrs. Claus said, "it's
indigestion, honey," but I knew better.
CHUCK:
Oh boy.
SANTA:
"Someone has stopped believing,"
I said.
HOWIE:
It was my mother. She always...
SANTA:
It really hurt me, you know? I mean,
you stopped writing me. You stopped even thinking of me, didn't
you?
HOWIE:
Santa, I'm sorry.
SANTA:
Oh. C-can I see it?
HOWIE:
Mnh-mnh.
SANTA:
Oh, I'll give it back.
HOWIE:
No.
SANTA:
I promise.
[~ Howard gives the bear to Santa. ~]
SANTA:
Thanks.
[~ Santa runs out of McGinty's with the bear. ~]
HOWIE:
No! My bear! My bear.
CRUMB:
All right, cuff this guy.
HOWIE:
Oh! Don't hit my nose.
[~ An explosion is heard outside. ~]]
CHUCK:
That didn't sound too good.
GARY
Unh-unh.
[~ Outside of McGinty's. A burn mark is on the ground with debris floating. ~]
CHUCK:
Oh my god.
[~ Bells jingle, everyone looks around, then looks up to watch the bells fall to the ground. Chuck picks them up. Everyone looks at the bells, then back up in the sky, then at the bells again, then at each other. ~]
[~ Crumb's office. Crumb on phone. ~]
CRUMB:
Yes sir. Yes, sir, that's right. We
got the guy. The city can awake from its nightmare of terror.
That's very good, your honor. Merry Christmas to you, too.
GARY
Well, congratulations. You're a hero.
CRUMB:
I owe you one. You, too. Plus, that
bozo who went bang. Take your stuff and get out of here.
DESK SERGEANT:
Sir, he broke out of jail.
CRUMB:
You want to explain that To a board
of inquiry?
CHUCK:
Yeah.
[~ Chuck accepts his bag of personal items and starts to open it. ~]
CHUCK:
Funny thing is I still can't believe
he's dead. I mean, I know he came down in pieces, but a guy like
that, he really believed he was what he thought he was, and you
sort of have to admire that.
CRUMB:
He got to you, huh?
CHUCK:
Cynical me. I thought he was just a
cheap con.
[~ Chuck looks into the bag, notices something missing. ~]
CHUCK:
My keys. He stole my keys.
[~ Car impound lot. ~]
GUARD:
Funny, your car was here an hour ago.
Somebody must have took it.
CHUCK:
Yep.
GARY
I think this is for you.
[~ In place of Chuck's car is a brand new Flexible Flyer sled with a note attached. Note reads: "Chuck ~ I owe you one. ~ S" ~]
VOICEOVER (FISHER):
Like I said, it's magic. At least, it
is if you believe, which, I guess, can happen to the best of us.
[~ Blackstone. Gary walking down corridor to his room, passes man in bellman's clothes. ~]
MAN:
Merry Christmas.
GARY
Yeah. Same to you.
[~ Man enters elevator and turns around. He looks suspiciously like Santa... ~]
[~ Gary enters apartment to see a fully-decked Christmas tree. Cat waits underneath it with the paper. Headline: SNOW SLOWS AFTER-CHRISTMAS SHOPPING ~]
VOICEOVER (FISHER):
It all depends on being wise enough
to know your heart... And young enough to feel that old surprise.
CAT:
Meow
[~ Gary stares at tree in wonder, goes to sit by window and looks out at the night sky. ~]
VOICEOVER (FISHER):
Merry Christmas.
~ THE END ~
-- CAPTIONS BY VITAC -- BURBANK, PITTSBURGH, WASHINGTON CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY CBS
Closed
Captioning transcription and screen captures graciously provided
by Zen
Visit Zen's fabulous NOW AND AGAIN website!
Disclaimer: This fan run website is for personal, non-commercial use and is totally unaffiliated with Early Edition, Three Characters Inc., CBS Productions, TriStar Television, or anyone else who may have rights to the show. No infringement intended and no profit is being made in any way whatsoever (unless, of course, you consider the emotional satisfaction of supporting and promoting a work of pure genius as profit.) This website was created in homage and with gratitude to the fabulous creators of Early Edition, and also in an effort to support the show and to encourage others to do so. Fanscripts of Early Edition episodes are done entirely from scratch by FANS. They are NOT the official transcripts and are to be used for informational purposes only! Again, I state that no profits are being made here. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED BY THEIR RIGHTFUL OWNERS. NO PART OF THESE FANSCRIPTS OR ANYTHING ELSE ON THESE PAGES MAY BE REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM OR BY ANY MEANS WITHOUT PERMISSION. Thank you kindly, and thanks again for dropping by.
Return to Fanscribed Episodes Index
http://earlydues.usanethosting.com/ee/episodes/christmas2.htm
© 1997 - 2001, etc. earlydues@yahoo.com