111 "Christmas" continued...

Pictures for "Christmas"

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[~ Crumb, Gary, Detectives at a department store, in front of a bin full of teddy bears. ~]

CRUMB:
Anything else to tell me about, like giant spiders or flying saucers?

GARY
Just a bomb in a teddy bear.

CRUMB:
What have we got?

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
We cleared the building, plus we got fire trucks out front. Anything else?

CRUMB:
My Christmas tree lights at home ain't working. Get me some of the big fat kind, not the skinny ones.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
Yes, sir.

CRUMB:
So this is where the little birdie told you the bomb was going to be?

GARY
Yeah.

CLERK:
Excuse me. Are you the detective in charge here?

CRUMB:
That's me.

CLERK:
Do you realize what you're doing? You've shut down this store on the busiest day of the year.

CRUMB:
So?

CLERK:
So the owner is very close to the mayor.

CRUMB:
(To Gary) This time you're sure?

GARY
Yeah.

CRUMB:
No chance you're mistaken?

GARY
No.

CRUMB:
Be sure to get red ones and nothing that twinkles. All right. Come on, boys, tear them open.

[~ Street. Chuck and Santa walking quickly. ~]

CHUCK:
I don't believe this. What have I done?

SANTA:
You just broke out of jail.

CHUCK:
I just broke out of jail -- me, chuck Fishman. I've busted stir. I'm a felon.

SANTA:
Relax. You just did something nice.

CHUCK:
I did?

SANTA:
You got a buck?

CHUCK:
No. They took my wallet. Oh, my god. They know who I am.

SANTA:
What about your pockets? Maybe you got a quarter.

[~ Chuck produces some coinage. ~]

SANTA:
Oh, good.

[~ Santa drops the coins into the bell-ringer's bucket. ~]

SANTA:
Keep up the good work.

CHUCK:
Oh, great. You know what? This is insane! I mean, look at you. You don't even look like the guy. Where's your beard? You're a fake just like all the rest of them.

[~ Santa doubles over in pain. ~]

CHUCK:
What's wrong? What's wrong?

SANTA:
Y-you're not believing again.

CHUCK:
Oh, man.

SANTA:
Go on, take it back.

CHUCK:
Okay. Okay, fine. Fine. I take it back, okay? I take it back.

SANTA:
You got to watch out for that kind of stuff. Okay, I'm all right. Let's go.

[~ Department Store ~]

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
No bomb.

CRUMB:
You're sure?

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
We're sure.

CRUMB:
No bomb?

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
No bomb.

CRUMB:
That's too bad.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
Want us to start on the elephants?

CRUMB:
Skip it.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
Yes, sir.

CRUMB:
Any thoughts?

GARY
I don't understand. It doesn't make any sense. It was supposed to be here.

CRUMB:
Maybe I can help you out. You see, I'm a policeman, and you're a lunatic.

GARY
Now wait a second --

CRUMB:
That's why we got stuffing coming out of our ears. Furthermore --

GARY
(at same time) Oh, that's good. Let me tell --

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
There's a phone call for you.

CRUMB:
One guess -- the mayor.

ASSISTANT DETECTIVE:
Correct.

CRUMB:
You got three minutes to come up with an explanation. After that, I'm putting you in a straight-jacket.

[~ Gary pulls paper back out and checks story: WHITE CHRISTMAS AFTER ALL ~]

GARY
I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it.

[~ Gary walks past a shelf of panda bears playing music and does a double take. Behind a panda is a teddy bear with a note on it: "I've got my eye on you." ~]

[~ Street, Chuck and Santa walking; Santa is checking the doors on the cars as they walk by. ~]

CHUCK:
I got it. I'm dreaming. This is all because of some hot sauce I ate.

SANTA:
I doubt it.

CHUCK:
Any moment now, I'm going to wake up and find myself laying in a gutter -- drunk, which will be just fine with me. What are you doing?

SANTA:
We're going to need wheels.

CHUCK:
You're stealing a car?

SANTA:
Shh!

CHUCK:
Oh, no, no, no, no. Look, I already got a record because of you. I'm not going to add grand theft larceny to the list.

SANTA:
Fine! Go!

CHUCK:
You betcha I'm going.

SANTA:
But remember this -- if I am who I say I am, you're walking away from the one chance in your life to do something good for the world, if that means anything to you. I think it does.

CHUCK:
Okay.

SANTA:
Get in.

[~ In car, short time later ~]

CHUCK:
Thought you said we were going to the park.

SANTA:
We missed it. We need to meet at the next stop.

CHUCK:
Where is that?

SANTA:
Cleveland.

[~ Department store. Crumb has just hung up the phone. ~]

CRUMB:
All right, let's wrap it up! 86 the dead bears and let's get out of here.

GARY
Hey, Crumb! Crumb, I found another note.

CRUMB:
Good for you.

GARY
What do mean, good for me? Don't you want to read it?

CRUMB:
No, thanks.

GARY
I think you should. I think I know what's going on now.

CRUMB:
That's nice. I'm thrilled.

GARY
You're thrilled?

CRUMB:
Tell it to the new guy.

GARY
Tell it to the --. Wait. What new guy?

CRUMB:
The poor schlub they're going to bring in to handle this thing. Me, I'm going to go home and hang Christmas lights.

GARY
You're going to -- wait a second. You're off the case?

CRUMB:
The mayor wants results. I don't got them. See ya. Whatever happened to cabbage patch dolls? The heck with it. I need a drink. Come on, you're buying.

[~ McGinty's bar. Crumb is at a table. Gary enters and wends his way over. ~]

GARY
Excuse me. Excuse me. Thanks. You okay?

CRUMB:
Yeah, I'm great.

GARY
Listen, crumb --

CRUMB:
It's Christmas eve, I'm off the case, maybe out of a job. 30 years on the force down the toilet. How could things be bad? Here, merry Christmas.

GARY
Maybe you should get something to eat with that.

CRUMB:
Like what, Christmas crow?

GARY
Listen, you can't let this get to you. Giving up is not the solution.

CRUMB:
Who says? This beer is flat.

GARY
Somewhere out there, there's a guy planning on killing people.

CRUMB:
With what, love notes?

GARY
Sooner or later, he's going to succeed.

CRUMB:
You know what gets me? It's not this crummy bar or that my bunions ache or that I staked my pension on the word of some nut that reads tea leaves. What gets me is I'm never going to see this guy's face. I just wish I knew how he did it.

GARY
He was watching you.

CRUMB:
What?

GARY
Listen to what I'm saying. This guy knew where we were. We thought we were following him, but we weren't. He was following you. It's cat and mouse, and you were the mouse, Crumb.

CRUMB:
All right, that's it. He ticked me off. I'm going to track this guy down if it takes me the rest of my life.

HOWIE:
Excuse me. Detective crumb?

CRUMB:
Yeah?

HOWIE:
I have a message for you.

[~ Howard opens his coat to reveal an explosive teddy bear strapped to him. ~]

HOWIE:
Nobody move! Nobody move! Nobody move! Nobody! Nobody move.

[~ Gary glances at his paper. Headline: CHRISTMAS EXPLOSION - 40 DEAD AT McGINTEY'S [sic] BAR ~]

[~ Cut to commercial. Return to Chuck and Santa in car. Santa driving erratically down the streets of Chicago. ~]

SANTA:
I'm not used to steering with a wheel.

CHUCK:
Gee, I never would have guessed.

SANTA:
Easy, big boy.

CHUCK:
Do you even know where you're going?

SANTA:
To the highway.

CHUCK:
The highway's down here?

SANTA:
It's a shortcut -- go left at Angela Monahan's house, the one with the stucco chimney. She's naughty... But nice.

CHUCK:
I wish Gary were here.

SANTA:
Gary who?

CHUCK:
He's a friend of mine -- Gary Hobson. You know him?

SANTA:
Natch.

CHUCK:
Okay, then tell me, what's different about him?

SANTA:
Different?

CHUCK:
Yeah, that's right, different. You're Santa Claus. You should know.

SANTA:
Well, let's see. He's got a mole in his armpit.

CHUCK:
What else?

SANTA:
Batted .461 in little league.

CHUCK:
He gets tomorrow's paper -- today.

SANTA:
Oh, that. I thought you meant something unusual.

[~ McGinty's. ~]

HOWIE:
One more scream, and I'll set this thing off. Tell them I mean it.

CRUMB:
Everybody be calm. He's not going to hurt you. He came here for me. That's right, isn't it?

HOWIE:
You betcha.

CRUMB:
You want to tell me why?

HOWIE:
I thought we should meet.

CRUMB:
Fine, nice to meet you. Why don't we go outside and talk?

HOWIE:
You were following me.

CRUMB:
Of course I was following you. That's my job.

HOWIE:
And you... You were helping him. I saw you.

CRUMB:
Some help.

HOWIE:
Ha, ha, ha. But I fooled you, didn't I? But we won the game. We won the game.

GARY
That's right. That's right. You won the game, so why don't we end it right now?

HOWIE:
Oh, because we haven't played the last round yet.. The part where we all go boom... In, uh, 12 minutes.

[~ Chuck and Santa in car. ~]

CHUCK:
Okay, I think I've got this thing figured out.

SANTA:
What's that?

CHUCK:
What we're going to tell the cops.

[~ Santa comes to abrupt halt at a stop sign. ~]

SANTA:
Sorry.

CHUCK:
We plead insanity, okay?

SANTA:
Who, you or me?

CHUCK:
We tell them you ate too many french fries. You lost your mind. You abducted me at gun-point, right?

SANTA:
I don't approve of guns, except for the toy ones.

CHUCK:
All right, fine, a toy gun. We call them up, and we turn ourselves in, and then we sell the whole story to Oprah. Holy cow. We might even end up ahead.

[~ A police car pulls up behind them. ~]

SANTA:
I wouldn't count on it.

POLICE:
This is the police. Turn off your engine and put your hands on the dashboard.

CHUCK:
Just act natural.

SANTA:
I am acting natural.

CHUCK:
I mean, don't act like Santa Claus.

SANTA:
That's going to be hard.

CHUCK:
Remember -- french fries, Oprah, book deals, okay?

SANTA:
Right?

[~ The police officers walk towards the car; Santa screeches off through the intersection. ~]

CHUCK:
What are you doing?

SANTA:
I know them both. Neither of them is nice.

[~ McGinty's ~]

HOWIE:
Oh, no. I think it's going quite well -- all according to plan. I just hope we didn't forget anything. Hmm. You watch them. I'll write the note. Let's see, ah...

CRUMB:
This guy is nuttier than a snickers bar.

GARY
We got to get him away from that bomb.

CRUMB:
How do you suggest we do that, ask him "pretty please"?

GARY
After he's done.

HOWIE:
Uh, rats...moles... Bats... And weasels. Yeah. The hour has come.

CRUMB:
That's it. We got to rush him.

GARY
Yeah, and soon.

CRUMB:
On the count of three. You ready? One, two --

[~ Crumb and Gary take a step towards Howard. He sees them and holds the teddy bear up again. ~]

HOWIE:
I told you not to move! I told you!

GARY
Okay.

HOWIE:
I'll blow it now.

[~ Street near McGinty's. Chuck and Santa running. ~]

CHUCK:
Come on, Kris Kringle!

SANTA:
I'm right behind you! Why did we have to ditch the car?

CHUCK:
Because you stole it.

SANTA:
I was going to give it back.

CHUCK:
And reindeer have wings.

SANTA:
Only when they're pups.

[~ McGinty's ~]

HOWIE:
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

CRUMB:
Hey, you with the animal. I think it's time we had a talk.

HOWIE:
There's nothing to talk about.

CRUMB:
Yeah, well, got something to talk about. I'm old, I'm tired, my feet are flat. You want to blow me pie hey, go ahead. I probably deserve it anyway. But before you do, think about this -- it's Christmas eve. All over the world, people are getting ready for... What, I do not know. Neither do they, but it's important -- something worth waiting for. That's the same with these people here -- they all got someplace to go, somebody who needs them. Me, I don't. So why don't you let them go? You don't want them, you want me. So come on, what do you say? Make Santa happy.

HOWIE:
Santa?

[~ Door bursts open and Chuck enters, followed by Santa. ~]

CRUMB:
Who the hell is this?

HOWIE:
I'll blow it now!

GARY
Chuck, get the hell outta here now!

CHUCK:
I can't! I --

[~ Door bursts open again. Cops with guns enter. ~]

CRUMB:
Oh, good. Perfect

HOWIE:
I'll blow it now!

GARY
Drop your guns! The guy's got a bomb!

CRUMB:
You heard him! Now!

SANTA:
Did he say a bomb? On Christmas eve? That's naughty if I ever heard it.

CHUCK:
Oh please, do me a favor just this once.

GARY
Look, mister --

HOWIE:
Stand back.

GARY
You don't want to do this. I know you really don't want to do this.

HOWIE:
One more step, and I'll set it off.

SANTA:
Ralphie?

HOWIE:
What?

SANTA:
Ralphie Milhouse, right?

HOWIE:
No, that's not my name.

SANTA:
Sure, it is. You're little Ralphie.

HOWIE:
No. I am not. I'm Howard Phillips.

SANTA:
Oh, that's right. Howard Phillips. I always got you two confused. So, what are you doing here?

HOWIE:
What does it look like I'm doing?

SANTA:
Howie Phillips.

HOWIE:
Who is this?

GARY
I don't know.

SANTA:
You know, you used to be one of my favorite kids. Nice, year after year. Very consistent. Remember? I got you your first chemistry set.

HOWIE:
I don't remember.

SANTA:
Oh, you remember. It had all those little test tubes. Plus, I got you a teddy bear, too. Then something happened. What was it?

HOWIE:
You're not really Santa.

SANTA:
Oh that's what happened. You stopped believing, and I remember the day. I was standing in the workshop helping the elves make pachisi sets when all of a sudden I got this hurt, you know, an ache right in my heart. Like some little piece of joy had suddenly withered away. Mrs. Claus said, "it's indigestion, honey," but I knew better.

CHUCK:
Oh boy.

SANTA:
"Someone has stopped believing," I said.

HOWIE:
It was my mother. She always...

SANTA:
It really hurt me, you know? I mean, you stopped writing me. You stopped even thinking of me, didn't you?

HOWIE:
Santa, I'm sorry.

SANTA:
Oh. C-can I see it?

HOWIE:
Mnh-mnh.

SANTA:
Oh, I'll give it back.

HOWIE:
No.

SANTA:
I promise.

[~ Howard gives the bear to Santa. ~]

SANTA:
Thanks.

[~ Santa runs out of McGinty's with the bear. ~]

HOWIE:
No! My bear! My bear.

CRUMB:
All right, cuff this guy.

HOWIE:
Oh! Don't hit my nose.

[~ An explosion is heard outside. ~]]

CHUCK:
That didn't sound too good.

GARY
Unh-unh.

[~ Outside of McGinty's. A burn mark is on the ground with debris floating. ~]

CHUCK:
Oh my god.

[~ Bells jingle, everyone looks around, then looks up to watch the bells fall to the ground. Chuck picks them up. Everyone looks at the bells, then back up in the sky, then at the bells again, then at each other. ~]

[~ Crumb's office. Crumb on phone. ~]

CRUMB:
Yes sir. Yes, sir, that's right. We got the guy. The city can awake from its nightmare of terror. That's very good, your honor. Merry Christmas to you, too.

GARY
Well, congratulations. You're a hero.

CRUMB:
I owe you one. You, too. Plus, that bozo who went bang. Take your stuff and get out of here.

DESK SERGEANT:
Sir, he broke out of jail.

CRUMB:
You want to explain that To a board of inquiry?

CHUCK:
Yeah.

[~ Chuck accepts his bag of personal items and starts to open it. ~]

CHUCK:
Funny thing is I still can't believe he's dead. I mean, I know he came down in pieces, but a guy like that, he really believed he was what he thought he was, and you sort of have to admire that.

CRUMB:
He got to you, huh?

CHUCK:
Cynical me. I thought he was just a cheap con.

[~ Chuck looks into the bag, notices something missing. ~]

CHUCK:
My keys. He stole my keys.

[~ Car impound lot. ~]

GUARD:
Funny, your car was here an hour ago. Somebody must have took it.

CHUCK:
Yep.

GARY
I think this is for you.

[~ In place of Chuck's car is a brand new Flexible Flyer sled with a note attached. Note reads: "Chuck ~ I owe you one. ~ S" ~]

VOICEOVER (FISHER):
Like I said, it's magic. At least, it is if you believe, which, I guess, can happen to the best of us.

[~ Blackstone. Gary walking down corridor to his room, passes man in bellman's clothes. ~]

MAN:
Merry Christmas.

GARY
Yeah. Same to you.

[~ Man enters elevator and turns around. He looks suspiciously like Santa... ~]

[~ Gary enters apartment to see a fully-decked Christmas tree. Cat waits underneath it with the paper. Headline: SNOW SLOWS AFTER-CHRISTMAS SHOPPING ~]

VOICEOVER (FISHER):
It all depends on being wise enough to know your heart... And young enough to feel that old surprise.

CAT:
Meow

[~ Gary stares at tree in wonder, goes to sit by window and looks out at the night sky. ~]

VOICEOVER (FISHER):
Merry Christmas.

~ THE END ~

-- CAPTIONS BY VITAC -- BURBANK, PITTSBURGH, WASHINGTON CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY CBS


Closed Captioning transcription and screen captures graciously provided by Zen
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