404 "The Iceman Taketh"
(Original Air Date: October, 16, 1999)

Written by James Stanley and Dianne Messina Stanley; Directed by Scott Paulin; (as "fanscribed" by HarrietJ)

(Evening. McGinty's. Gary, Marissa, Patrick)

Patrick - Whoa! Mr. Hobson, nice threads. Heavy date tonight, huh?

Gary - It's business, Patrick.

Patrick - On a Saturday night? Bummer!

Marissa - Hm hmm, Business, huh? Mmm. You're wearing cologne.

Gary – I even comb my hair and shower once in awhile.

Marissa - So, what's her name?

Gary - Who?

Marissa - Your date.

Gary - Wendy.

Marissa - I knew it. I want details.

Gary - You want details? Oh, I’d say she's about 90 or 100 feet long, weighs about 90 tons...and at 10:37 tonight she's gonna blow up in Lake Michigan.

***

(On yacht. Brigatti. Woman greeting passengers.)

Brigatti – (on phone) Kennedy! Where the hell are you?

Kennedy - I got hung up...I’m never gonna make it.

Brigatti - We've been planning this operation for two weeks and now you're telling me I don't have a partner?

Kennedy - You'll be fine, Brigatti. You always are...

Greeter - Good evening! Glad you could make it.

Brigatti - Hi. Toni Thurston.

Greeter - Welcome aboard, Mrs. Thurston. And your husband?

Brigatti - Stuck in traffic. I'm afraid he won't be joining me.

Greeter - Oh, too bad. Don't forget your nametag.

(As the greeter walks away a moment, Gary comes up, looks around to see if anyone is watching, steals a nametag, and boards the yacht.)

***

(Brigatti, at ship's bar, bumps into a man having a drink with his date.)

Brigatti - Oh, I'm so sorry. ..Paul Cantner, isn't it?

Paul - Have we met?

Brigatti - I saw you play polo yesterday...very impressive!

Paul - Thank you very much, Miss...

Brigatti - Toni Thurston...and it's Mrs. (flashing large diamond ring)

Amber - (Paul's date introduces herself) I'm Amber LaMonte...Miss. (she glares at Paul)

***

(Gary, wearing nametag "Lawrence Thurston", is approached by the greeter.)

Greeter - Mr. Thurston, you naughty boy! Thought you could just sneak on? I know somebody who's going to be very happy to see you!

(The greeter drags a confused Gary over to a group of people.)

Greeter - Oh, Mrs., Thurston, look who's here. Your husband!

Gary - (to greeter) I think you're making a mistake...uh...Brigatti!

Brigatti - Sweetheart! (She pulls Gary close and kisses him, hissing in his ear) Say my name again and you're fish food!

***

(At dinner. Gary, Brigatti. Paul and Amber)

Paul - Your wife was just telling us this is your first trip to Chicago.

Gary - Well...

Brigatti - We're newlyweds.

Paul - Congratulations. How did you meet?

Gary - In a bar.

Brigatti - At a party. Actually we met at a party in a bar. How did you two get together?

Paul - We met in Las Vegas.

Amber - I was performing.

Paul - She dances...

Gary - Speaking of dancing, you wouldn't mind if I took my little bride for a spin, would you? (with a fake smile) Come, dear.

(On dance floor Brigatti pulls Gary close.)

Brigatti - We're married, remember?

Gary - How could I forget?

Brigatti - Then smile. It's our honeymoon. Here. Your wedding ring.

Gary - You want to tell me what's going on?

Brigatti - You first. What's with the nametag?

Gary - They gave me the wrong one at the door...what about you?

Brigatti - I'm here to catch a jewel thief. Cops in New York call him the Iceman... he started three months ago. Since then he's hit San Francisco and now Chicago.

Gary - You mean there's a jewel thief here right now?

Brigatti - You were just talking to him.

Gary - That guy?

Brigatti - Shh. Paul Cantner, venture capitalist. At least, that's what he says. A real playboy.

Gary - (stops dancing) Well, if he's a jewel thief, why don't you just arrest him?

Brigatti - Because we have to prove it, Hobson. I'm the bait.

Gary - Well... is he biting?

Brigatti - Not yet but he will tomorrow after I pick up a little something... the Lermontov diamond.

Gary - The Lermontov di...the Lermontov diamond is worth a fortune.

Brigatti - Uh huh - an extremely generous wedding gift from my husband. Thank you darling.

Gary - Yeah, yeah... wait a second!

Brigatti - My partner got stuck in traffic and you showed up with that nametag - so the part? Is yours. Dance.

***

(At dinner on ship.)

Amber - I just love your wedding ring.

Brigatti - Oh, my husband is the most generous man in the world. In fact, he just bought me the Lermontov diamond for my honeymoon present.

Paul - (to Gary) You didn't.

Brigatti - (pinching Gary's cheek) Isn't he a sweetheart! In fact, I'll never forget Larry's words when he told me. He said...

Gary - I got to pee. (He rushes off)

Amber - Oh, what a romantic!

***

(In ship's engine room. Gary is reading the Paper.)

Gary - "...passengers reported smelling gas seconds before the explosion...”

(Gary's looking for the source of the leak. Engineer shows up.)

Engineer - Hey! What do you think you're doin'?

Gary - I'm checking the equipment.

Engineer - Last I heard that was my job.

Gary – Oh, well good. I'll need your name for my report.

Engineer - Report?

Gary - Yeah. Harbor Patrol. This is a vessel inspection. Spot check.

Engineer - Pal, every pipe, bolt and fitting is A-number-one.

Gary - Then how come I smell gas?

Engineer - Oh, it's those day shift guys. (He finds the leak and fixes it) Holy...One spark and we'd have been halfway to China!! Listen, you're not going to report this, are you, mister? It'll never happen again.

Gary - Yeah. It better not.

Engineer - Thanks mister.

***

(Gary, Brigatti, Amber and Paul disembarking ship.)

Amber - It was a real pleasure meeting you. (to Brigatti) You are so lucky.

Brigatti - Believe me, I never thought I'd end up with a man like this.

Amber - (to Gary) If she hadn't snagged you, I would grab you for myself.

Gary - Well 50% of all marriages end in divorce so maybe we should stay in touch.

Paul - Say, sport, when do you want to pick up that rock, anyway?

Gary - I wouldn't know. My wife - she makes the scheduling decisions.

Brigatti - (fake laugh) Tomorrow morning sweetheart. (to Paul) You wouldn't know if Georg Jensen's Jewelers is close to the Hilton would you?

Paul - Oh, you're staying at the Hilton?

Amber - So are we!

Paul - You want to ride back in our limo?

Gary - No, that's all...

Brigatti - Why thank you. That would be great.

Paul - You know, if you'd like, we could take you to pick up the Lermontov.

Amber - Paul LOVES diamonds. He's an expert.

Brigatti - Really? That would be wonderful.

Paul - We'll get the car.

Gary - (to Brigatti) I am NOT staying at the Hilton!

Brigatti - Quit your bellyaching! It's a 4 star hotel and it's not going to cost you a penny.

Gary - Yeah, except for pain and suffering! Listen, I'm going home and that's final.

Brigatti - Try it and you will spend the night in jail.

Gary - For what?

Brigatti - Obstruction of justice!

Gary - It'll never stick!

Brigatti - You impersonated a police officer, Hobson - an officer involved in a delicate undercover operation. You want to explain that to the judge or do you want to come to the hotel with me?

(At the Hotel. Gary, Brigatti, Paul, Amber)

Brigatti - Here we are!

Amber - Oh, the honeymoon suite. How romantic!

Gary - Beats jail anyway.

Brigatti - (fake laugh) My husband...always joking.

Paul - (sees champagne bottle in cooler) Someone has good taste.

Brigatti - Larry, you devil, you! (to others) He has a bottle chilled and waiting for me every night.

Paul - I think that's our cue to leave.

Gary - Oh, no no, please, please stay and have some. (He pours a glassful)

Paul - Uh unh. Goodnight, you lovebirds. (He and Amber leave)

(Just as Gary is ready to take a sip, Brigatti snatches it from him and pours it into a plant on a table.)

Brigatti - No drinkin' on the job.

Gary - Whaddya mean no drinkin' on the job? I'm on my honeymoon, remember?

Brigatti - Honeymoon's over.

Gary - All right. What time do you want me back?

Brigatti - You're not goin' anywhere.

Gary - I'm not?

Brigatti - You're stayin' if I have to handcuff you to that bed!

Gary - That's a very interesting proposition, Brigatti.

Brigatti - Let's get something straight, Hobson. I don't like you, but I need you - - like I need a root canal from time to time. You have to present me with that Lermontov diamond tomorrow, and until then, I am not letting you out of my sight.

Gary - All right, (flopping on bed). Looks like I'll just have to rough it, won't I?

Brigatti - Ha! You think you're sleeping there? (pulls the pillow off the bed and puts it on bench at foot of bed) That's where you're sleeping!

(She goes into bathroom. Door is slightly ajar. Gary stares as he sees her removing her stockings. Brigatti sees him watching her.)

Brigatti - In your dreams, Hobson!

(Brigatti slams the door shut.)

***

(Morning. Gary on bench. Brigatti in bed. Gary, in his sleep, hears rustle of a newspaper.)

Gary - (mumbles) Paper.

(Seeing Brigatti reading a paper, he jumps up, snatches it away from her and looks at the date.)

Gary - Oh. It's today's.

Brigatti - No kidding! Get your own paper, Hobson.

(From outside the door there's a Meow! then Thud.)

Gary - Yeah, yeah. Right.

(In T-shirt and boxers, he opens door. Cat rushes in and jumps on the bed as Gary picks up his Paper.)

Brigatti - (Gasps) What is that cat doing here?

Gary - Beats me.

Brigatti - Get rid of it now. I'm allergic. I'm not about to show up at that ball tonight with hives.

Gary - (after throwing Cat out the door, realizes what Brigatti has just said) What ball?

Brigatti - The ball at the hotel. Why else do you think we're here? By the way, what size tux do you wear?

Gary - Oh no! No!

Brigatti - Hobson!

Gary - I am not going to any ball.

Brigatti - You're my husband. What am I supposed to say? I couldn't get a date?

Gary - Well, y--. Well y--. Excuse me.

***

(At bar, phone rings. Marissa answers.)

Marissa - McGinty's.

Gary - It's me.

Marissa - Hey, where are you?

Gary - In the bathroom of the bridal suite over at the Hilton Hotel.

Marissa - I knew it. You did meet someone last night.

Gary - No I didn't...Look, I'll explain later. Right now I'm kinda tied up with business.

Brigatti - (shouting from bedroom) Hobson! Hurry up or I'm getting in that shower with you!

Marissa - Business, huh?

Gary - Believe me, it's no pleasure. Let me talk to Patrick would ya please?

Marissa - Patrick, it's Gary.

Patrick - Yo, Mr. Hobson.

Gary - (Holding Paper. Headline reads: Foil balloon causes electrical outage; hospital loses power.) Listen, Patrick, I need you to go down to Lincoln Park. There's a vendor. His name is William Massick. And I need you to get some mylar balloons for the bar.

Patrick - That is so nice, Mr. Hobson. How many do you want?

Gary - I want you to get all of 'em. Goodbye.

Brigatti - Come on Hobson. My diamond's waiting!

***

(At the jewelry store. The jeweler, Gary, Brigatti, Paul and Amber. The jeweler displays the Lermontov diamond necklace.)

Amber - Holy Toledo! Will ya look at the size of that rock!

Paul - Magnificent. The clarity. The brilliance.

Jeweler - (to Brigatti) Here you are.

Amber - (to Brigatti) Well?

Brigatti - Well what?

Amber - Well your husband just gave you a stone the size of a cantaloupe...aren't you at least going to give him a little kiss?

Gary - My wife has a thing about public displays of affection.

Paul - It didn't seem that way last night.

Brigatti - (to Gary) Come here, darling.

(They start kissing - slowly, awkwardly, then heatedly, passionately.)

Amber - Wow! (to Paul) Hey, do you want to look at engagement rings?

Paul - How about a charm for your bracelet?

(Gary and Brigatti, oblivious to everyone, are still kissing, when Brigatti looks up and sees Amber and Paul talking to the jeweler in the next room. She gives Gary a fierce kick in the shin.)

Gary - Ow! What was that for?

Brigatti - You were enjoying that a little too much!

Gary - Me! I could hardly breathe. What? It's been a long time between feedings, Brigatti?

Brigatti - Trust me. The way you kiss, I deserve an Academy Award. (She walks over to the others)

(Disgruntled, Gary checks the Paper. He reads that a cyclist will be paralyzed when a dog runs into the street, causing the cyclist to swerve onto the path of an oncoming car.)

Gary - (to Brigatti) Honey. I gotta run.

Brigatti - What?

Gary - You know, the business appointment I talked to you about. (He goes outside)

Brigatti - (She goes outside after Gary.) It's because I insulted you, isn't it?

Gary - No, it's just that I have things I've got to do.

Brigatti - Because I kicked you?

Gary - No. No, but that hurt.

Brigatti - I was kidding when I said you were a bad kisser. You're ...not bad.

Gary - Not bad?

Brigatti - You're...okay.

Gary – Okay?

Brigatti - You're pushing it Hobson.

Gary - Well, you're...okay...too.

Brigatti - All right. Go!

Gary - What time do you want me back at the ball tonight?

Brigatti - Oh, don't worry about it.

Gary - What?

Brigatti - I'll make an excuse for you.

Gary - I can go?

Brigatti - Uh huh.

Gary - Well...thanks!

(In a park. Gary approaches a hot dog vendor.)

Gary - Give me one dog will ya? With mustard.

Gary sees a little dog running toward the street. A woman is running after it. Gary breaks off a piece of the hot dog and flips it in the direction of the dog. The dog leaps high in the air, catches the hot dog and devours it, while the cyclists all glide safely down the street. The woman runs up and scolds the little dog.

Woman - (to dog) Rascal! You bad dog! (to Gary, she looks up at him and says) Thank you.

G – You’re welcome. But next time try to keep a hold on him, huh?

W - (Smiles) I will.

Feeling pretty good, Gary takes a bite of the hot dog as he checks the Paper. He's shocked to see a new headline: Police Detective in Critical Condition. He starts racing back to the Hilton, where Brigatti, Paul and Amber are walking down a corridor.

Paul – Amber, honey. (He hands her some money) New shoes for tonight?

Amber - (she takes the money) Well, it's not a diamond, but...

Brigatti - (to Paul) You’re not going with her?

Paul - No. I'd just be in the way. Besides I want to make sure you get back to your room safely -- precious cargo.

Brigatti - I'm sure I'll be fine.

Paul - You never can be too careful.

(Gary is shown on his way back to Hilton.)

Paul - Are you going to be wearing the Lermontov tonight?

Brigatti - Of course!

Paul - Every woman will be jealous of you...and every man will be jealous of your husband.

(They reach the door of the honeymoon suite.)

Paul - Want company?

Brigatti - Some other time.

Paul - Just one drink. (He takes her keycard, opens the door and pulls her into the room.)

Brigatti - I wouldn't want Amber to get the wrong idea.

Paul - You let me worry about Amber OK?

Just then the maid and the bellman come from the other room to tidy up and handle luggage. Paul is a little startled to see them.

Paul - You know, on second thought I'll take a rain check on that ...drink. (He leaves)

Brigatti - Don't forget to put a mint on my pillow.

Maid – (sarcastically) I'm sorry ma'am; those are only for big tippers.

Brigatti - On a City paycheck? Are you kidding?

(The maid and bellman are undercover cops, too.)

Bellman - Wasn't that Cantner?

Brigatti - Yeah. Oily, huh?

Maid - Hey, where are you going?

Brigatti - I'm going to put this in the safe and then I'm gonna check out the ballroom.

Bellman - You're the boss

***

Brigatti checks out the ballroom. Everything looks okay, and she continues making the rounds. Gary comes running into the Hilton and races to the elevator. We see Brigatti checking the roof, cocking her gun. She sees an open door slam shut. Going to investigate, she reaches out to open the door, but it opens outward with great force, propelling her over the rail; she's barely holding on.
 

CONTINUE TO PART 2

Many thanks to HarrietJ for sharing her fanscription of "The Iceman Taketh" – Thank you!

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