Mel Schwartz, Bounty Hunter continued...
Written by Alex Taub; Directed by Todd Pfeiffer; (as "fanscribed" by Janet)
Pictures for "Mel Schwartz, Bounty Hunter"
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RETURN TO PART 1
Scene: Mel is cruising the streets in his van wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses. Two bikers pull away from a bar. Loud rock music is playing over the scene as Mel parks the van. The sign reads End of the Road Bar. Mel takes out a tape and puts it in the player.
Man on Tape: The search for your fugitive may take you to some strange and unusual places. Just keep telling yourself this - - wherever you are, you belong. A bounty hunter is not a tourist. A bounty hunter is a citizen of the world.
Mel: I am a citizen of the world. I am a citizen of the world.
Scene: Mels accounting firm offices. Gary enters. The secretary/receptionist is at her desk. Gary enters Mels private office.
Linda: Excuse me? What are you doing?
Gary: Oh, uh, Im going in to see Mr. Schwartz.
Linda: You cant go in there. You cant be in here.
Gary: Where is he?
Linda: I dont know.
Gary: What do you mean, you dont know?
Gary: Skokie? Do you have any idea what your boss does for a hobby?
Linda: Hes a very private person. (Gary picks up Mels rolodex) What are you doing?
Gary: Your boss is going to get himself killed. Im going to stop him before he does.
Linda: That is Mr. Schwartzs private property.
Gary: Let me tell you something about Mr. Schwartz.
(Mrs. Schwartzs voice is heard in the outer office.)
Mrs. Schwartz: Mel! Mel!
Gary: The wife. (Simultaneously with Linda while they both look at each other startled.)
Linda: The wife. (Returns to the outer office. Gary hides under the desk.)
Linda: Mrs. Schwartz. Is everything
Mrs. Schwartz: Where is he? W-w-wheres Mel? I need to talk to him right now. The guy from the baby store totally flaked. (Camera shows Gary hiding under the desk, rolodex in hand. (Mrs. Schwartz enters the office crying and breathing hard. Looks faint.) The rooms a mess. I cant find any of the phone numbers I need. Oh, God!
Linda: Im sure hell be back any minute. (Mrs. Schwartz looks fainter.) Susan? Is everything okay?
Mrs. Schwartz: I havent eaten since breakfast.
Linda: (takes Mrs. Schwartz by the arm) Oh, well, lets get you to the kitchen.
Mrs. Schwartz: Okay.
(Gary comes out from under the desk when they leave. Takes business card for Davlins Bail Bonds out of rolodex and puts it in his shirt pocket.)
Scene: Street outside bar. Mel exits the van and approaches the bar.
Mel: I am a citizen of the world. (Rock music playing. Shouting is heard.)
Man: Yeah! You got it!
(Two bikers are arm wrestling. Loser insults the winner.)
Biker One: Your elbow came off the table!
Biker Two: It did not!
Biker One: It did too!
Biker Two: You calling me a cheater?
Biker One: Im calling you a swine-kissing, sister-stealing, tea-drinking cheater!
Biker Two: I dont drink tea!
(One hits the other over the head and a fight ensues. Winner snatches bottle. A fight ensues.)
Biker One: Aah!
Biker Two: Uhh!
Biker One: Aah!
Mel: I belong here. Im a bounty hunter.
(Cheering and shouting)
Mel: Im a citizen of the world. These are my people.
Scene: Mel enters the bar and approaches the bartender.
Man: Aah! Aah!
Mel: Excuse me. Hello? Over here. Hey, bubba.
Mel: Im looking for someone - - Stumpy McNeill-- Big guy. Ponytail. Has he been in here lately?
Bartender: Who are you?
Mel: Look, Im uh, a bounty hunter.
(Bikers continue their fight. Lots of glass and wood gets broken.)
Bartender: A what?
Mel: A bounty hunter. Im a bounty hunter, all right?
Bartender: A bounty hunter!
(Music and shouting stop)
Scene: Crowd gathers around Mel as a biker drags him along the bar through bottles and glasses.
Biker: Careful now! Ooh, thats glass! Whoo! Here we go, baby! (Lands Mel in a chair. Another biker ties him in the chair with rope.
Woman biker takes his sunglasses off and puts them in Mels pocket. Another pats him on the head.
Woman Biker: Let me take those honey. Yeah, yeah! See ya!
(Two bikers shove the chair up against "caging" under the dartboard.)
Mel: I am making a citizens arrest. You are all under arrest. I do have that power.
Biker in ECW tee shirt: A little darts?
Mel: I think weve all learned an important lesson today. Cant we just
Biker: One Two Three (Garys folded newspaper appears in front of Mels face catching the dart.)
Gary: Uh, this is - - this is all a big misunderstanding.
Biker: Theres no misunderstanding. This guys a bounty hunter.
Gary: A bounty hunter? No, no, no, no. This guys no bounty - - hes an accountant.
Mel: What are you doing? Youre killing my street cred.
Gary: Have you ever seen a bounty hunter? Look at this guy. Does he look like a bounty hunter?
Biker One: Nah. He dont look like no bounty hunter
Gary: Well, good. Ill just untie him, then. (Starts to untie Mel.)
Biker One: But you do.
Gary: Well thats a different story. Me? (Bikers comment gets his attention.) No, no! Im not a bounty hunter. Im just a Mel - - Mel, tell your friends here - - Tell them exac - -
(Biker grabs Gary around the throat with one arm. Mel takes advantage of the situation to crawl away and go out the door to his van.)
Biker One: Meat, you hold him, Ill check his pockets.
Biker One: Well, what do we got here? Davlins Bail Bonds.
Gary: Thats a mistake. You see, that shouldnt be there. Theres a very funny story behind that actually, though, if youd like to hear it.
(Mel runs to van and leaves. Distant punching sounds are heard.)
Scene: Psychiatrists office. Gary is sitting on the couch facing a group of psychiatrists, including his. His face is badly bruised.
Dr. Sunland: Why dont you tell us what, uh - - what happened to you?
Gary: Oh, this? It was - - it was just a just a misunderstanding.
Dr. Sunland: Go on.
Gary: Oh. Well, uh, you see, I had to go to this biker bar. (Looks uncomfortable) I mean, I didnt want to go to the bar. Believe me, I didnt want to go, but I had to help out a friend.
Dr. Sunland: Mel Schwartz?
Gary: Thats right. (Dr. Sunland leans back to confer with colleagues.)
Dr. Sunland: Tell us about Mel Schwartz. Whats it like when you see him?
Gary: Whats it like? Ill tell you what, its a pain in the - - pain in the neck, is what its like.
(Scene switches back and forth between Gary and the psychiatrists.)
Dr. Sunland: Cant you make him go away?
Gary: I wish I could, believe me.
Dr. Sunland: Is he, uh, here right now?
Gary: Who? (Starts to get funny look on his face.)
Dr. Sunland: Mel Schwartz.
Gary: Is he what?
Dr. Sunland: Is he in the room?
Gary: Are you Mel Schwartz? (Gets a half smile and starts talking fast. The man psychiatrist writes in his file. Gary points to each one of them in turn.) Are you Mel Schwartz? Are you? I dont think so. I dont think Mel Schwartz is in the room. No. The answer would be no. Whats he writing? (Points at man psychiatrist.)
Scene: Motel lobby. Mel is on the phone with Linda at the office. Camera switches back and forth between them. Desk Clerk has television blasting in background.
Mel: Linda, just calm down. Take it easy.
Linda: Dont tell me to calm down. Every one of your clients has called today, two of the partners stopped by, and your wife is looking for you. I cant keep telling people youre in Skokie.
Mel: Just a couple more hours, then Im back at the office.
Linda: Where are you?
Mel: Acres Motel on Lincoln - - but thats for emergencies only.
Linda: Mel, this has to stop. You need to come back where you belong.
Mel: Dont worry about me. Ill be fine. Ill see you this afternoon. Mel out.
(Mel shows mug shot to desk clerk. Clerk stares at television.)
Mel: So youre sure this guys here?
Desk Clerk: Unit 51 - - Checked in yesterday.
Mel: Thanks, pal. Keep it on the Q.T.
Desk Clerk: Whatever.
Scene: Mels office. Mrs. Schwartz is talking to Linda.
Mrs. Schwartz: I need to see my husband.
Linda: Hes not here.
Mrs. Schwartz: Where is he, Linda? And dont tell me Skokie! Is he having an affair?
Mrs. Schwartz: Is he seeing someone else? Is he leaving me?
Linda: Oh, no. Hes just - -
Mrs. Schwartz: Linda, Im begging you. I am 9 ½ months pregnant, but I will get down on my knees and beg. Where is my husband?
Linda: Hes at
Mrs. Schwartz: (Sees note on Lindas blotter about where Mel is at) A motel.
Scene: McGintys office. Marissa is seated at her desk listening to Gary as he paces and complains about the psychiatrists.
Marissa: Calm down, Gary.
Gary: Calm down? It was a disaster. Ten to one those people are talking about locking me up, and you know the crazy part?
Marissa: Crazy part?
Gary: I might not be a bad idea. A couple of weeks in a psych ward seems like a vacation about now.
Marissa: Oh, yeah - - right up until the point where they give you electroshock therapy.
Gary: They still do that? (Has the "deer trapped in the headlights look" on his face.)
Marissa: (smiling) Oh, yeah.
(Gary looks at his paper. Headline reads Amateur bounty hunter disappears; feared dead)
Gary: Amateur Bounty Hunter disappears. Youre killing me Mel.
Scene: Exterior of the Acres Motel. Mel is retrieving equipment/supplies from his van. Stumpy McNeil is soaking in a bubble bath. Television is airing wrestling match.
Mel: handcuffs pepper spray, leg irons.
Announcer: Roundhouse - - super-kick on Jenning.
Announcer: Reversal by Langstrom, dropped down - - knee to the back.
(Mel outside Stumpys door. Tears wrapping off a package with his teeth. Takes out a lock pick. Picks the lock on Stumpys door and enters the messy room. Goes through the door to the bathroom. A cigar stub is on the floor by the tub.)
Stumpy: Are you looking for me?
Stumpy: Who sent you? Howd you find me? (Is choking Mel)
Stumpy: Who ratted me out?
(Gary enters the room and confronts Stumpy as hes drowning Mel.)
Gary: Hey! Let him go.
Stumpy: Who are you?
(Gary enters the room.)
Stumpy: Im going to kill you. (Slips on the wet floor.) Whoa! (Falls and knocks himself out)
Mel: I was doing just fine without you. I had the situation under control
Gary: Oh, right.
Mel: I got here first you know. Leg irons.
(Mrs. Schwartz arrives by cab. Appears to be very angry. Slams car door. Tugs are her purse strap before entering the motel room. The three guys are on the bed. Gary and Stumpy are sitting up and Mel is reclining. Stumpy holds an icepack in one hand.)
Mrs. Schwartz: Oh, my God.
Mrs. Schwartz: Melvin?
Mel: I-its not what you think.
Mrs. Schwartz: Youre - - youre - -
Mel: Honey, love of my life, Ive got something to tell you.
Mrs. Schwartz: I dont want to hear this. (Puts her hands over her ears.)
Mel: Im a bounty hunter.
Gary: If its any consolation, Mrs. Schwartz, hes not very good at it.
Stumpy: No. Hes not.
Mel: Honey, close the door. (She does so.) Just dont overreact.
Mrs. Schwartz: I go to bed with an accountant, I wake up with a bounty hunter. I dont think Im overreacting.
Mel: Im and accountant and a bounty hunter. (Pours a glass of water for his wife.) Im a hyphenate.
Mrs. Schwartz: But Why?
Mel: I walk into dinner parties, people ask me what I do for a living. I get the polite nod, and they head for the hors doeuvrres. Thats okay. Goes with the territory. But lately, Ive been boring myself.
Mrs. Schwartz: Oh, Mel.
Mel: When I was 9 years old, I wanted to be an FBI agent. I sent them a letter and everything.
Mrs. Schwartz: Mel, everybody wants to be an FBI agent when theyre 9.
Stumpy: Not me.
Mel: This is my last chance, Susan. Were going to have this kid, and when he looks up at me, I want him to see someone he can be proud of, someone whos had adventure, someone he finds exciting.
Stumpy: Thats just wrong-headed thinking.
Mel: You mind?
Stumpy: You think you had an adventure today? If it wasnt for this guy, youd be dead. Hows that for an adventure?
Mel: (To his wife)Thats not true, honey. (To Stumpy) What do you know?
Stumpy: More than you think. Ive got two kids, and believe me, they dont want you chasing known felons. They want you home, they want to have dinner with you, and they want to show you the finger painting they did.
Mel: I dont need this. Wheres my pepper spray? (Pats pockets.)
Gary: I Ive got to say, Mel, that I agree with him.
Mel: Not you, too?
Mrs. Schwartz: Mel, forget them. Listen to me. Im proud of you. Ive always been proud of you. Youre smart, youre responsible, youre loyal.
Mel: Those are just code words for boring.
Mrs. Schwartz: No - - never boring. (Gets up and hugs Mel.) This baby, hes going to be lucky to have a dad like you. (Stricken look.) Uh, oh.
Mrs. Schwartz: You want adventure, Mel? You want excitement?
Mel: I do. (Breaks off embrace.)
Mrs. Schwartz: Then get me to the hospital. My water just broke.
Scene: Exterior of motel. Quartet heads for the minivan. Mel is helping his wife while Gary and Stumpy follow.
Mrs. Schwartz: Were never going to make it!
Stumpy: Let me drive.
Mel: Do you think Im an idiot?
Stumpy: You know what I did time for. Armed robbery. I was a getaway driver. (Looks at Gary) Tell him.
Gary: Dont look at me.
Stumpy: Weve got 15 miles to the hospital, rush hour traffic, a baby on the way. If you want to get there before you become a dad, let me drive!
Mrs. Schwartz: Mel, let him drive!
Mel: Dont screw around here. Ive still got the pepper spray.
Stumpy: Get in the car.
Mrs. Schwartz: Mel, hurry up!
(Gary watches anxiously as Mrs. Schwartz gets into back seat of the van.)
Mel: You in, honey?
Stumpy: Come on. Lets go.
(Horns honk as he pulls out into the traffic.)
Scene: Hospital corridor outside nursery window. Stumpy, Gary & Mel are looking at the babies.
Stumpy: Look at that little guy. Got your eyes bro. Look at that noggin. (Mel and Gary look at Stumpy.) Dont you see em?
Gary: Oh, uh, uh, yeah.
Stumpy: Thats going to be one smart kid. (Two cops arrive.) Uh, here comes my ride. Hi, fellas.
Mel: Listen, Odessa - -
Stumpy: Call me Stumpy.
Mel: When you get settled, Im going to come visit, set up that college fund for your kids, Insurance trust - - the works.
Stumpy: I dont know. I dont have a lot of savings.
Mel: Youve go time, and with compounding interest, your boys will be all right.
Stumpy: Hey, thanks. (Turns to Gary.) Keep him out of trouble, will you?
Gary: Well, yeah. Ill try.
Stumpy: All right, guys. Listen - - if youll let me drive, Ill show you a whole bunch of shortcuts.
(Stumpy and the cops leave.)
(Mel and Gary still standing by nursery window.)
Mel: Hes really something, isnt he?
Gary: Yes, he is. Say, youre not going to be doing any more of the bounty hunting?
Mel: Somewhere between the motel and the hospital I reclaimed my sanity. In fact, I-I want you to have these - - the bounty hunter course.
Mel: most of them, anyway. My way of saying thanks for saving my life back there
Gary: Yeah, well, youre welcome.
Mel: And in the bar
Mel: And in the alley.
Mel: If theres ever anything I can do for you - -
Gary: No, thats all right. Really. Youve done enough. (Spots Dr. Sunland down the corridor.) Well as a matter of fact there is. Come here. (Pulls Mel down the corridor to Dr. Sunland.) Dr. Sunland?
Dr. Sunland: Mr. Hobson.
Gary: I-Id like you to meet Mel - - Mel Schwartz.
Dr. Sunland: Mel? This is Mel?
Mel: Mel Schwartz, in the flesh. Pleasure to meet you.
Dr. Sunland: As in Accountant-turned-bounty hunter Mel Schwartz?
Mel: Thats me. Im just an accountant these days. Your friend convinced me to retire from that craziness.
Gary: Go ahead. Show her some I.D.
Woman: Mr. Schwartz, your wife is asking for you.
Mel: Ill be right there. What do you need?
Dr. Sunland: Forget it. I believe you. Go on, go on.
Mel: (to Gary) Thanks again. (Runs off down the hall to his wifes room)
Dr. Sunland: Looks like I owe you an apology.
Gary: Yeah. Why dont you tell it to the judge?
Dr. Sunland: Ill file my report as soon as I get back.
Gary: Good. Good.
Dr. Sunland: Are you free Wednesday afternoons?
Gary: Hows that?
Dr. Sunland: I no longer believe you pose a threat to yourself or the society at large, but its my professional opinion that you could use some therapy - - lots of therapy.
Gary: Really? (Indignantly)
Dr. Sunland: Look - - in case you change your mind
Gary: No, thank you. (Starts to leave but turns back and takes her card. Walks down the hall and stops at trash barrel. Drops the tapes Mel gave him in the trash but keeps looking at doctors business card. Pauses outside Mrs. Schwartzs room. Mel is standing on the far side of the bed leaning over toward his wife who is sitting up in bed holding the baby.)
Man on Tape: Chasing fugitives is not for everyone. It may not be the job for you. Whats important in this life is that youre honest with yourself. Its like my daddy used to say - - wherever you go, whatever you do, be happy in your work.
Many thanks to Janet for sharing her fanscription of "Mel Schwartz, Bounty Hunter" Thank you!
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