310 "Nest Egg"
(Original Air Date: December 5, 1998)

Written by Alex Taub and Sean Clark; Directed by Gary Nelson; (as "fanscribed" by Brandi)

Brief summary: Lois Hobson, Gary’s mom, comes to Chicago in this episode, in hopes of finding the conman who swindled her out of her money. Gary, Erica, Marissa, and Lois come up with a plan to try and help her get her money back…

[Opens with a shot of a building, Gary walking down busy Chicago sidewalk. Gary looks up, sees a group of men on a rooftop of the building, displaying a big snowman winter decoration. Gary looks at the paper, and reads the headline aloud:]

Gary: SHOPPER CRUSHED BY SNOWMAN

[Gary looks up and sees a man standing where the snowman is expected to fall. Gary runs towards that man, yelling.]

Gary: Hey, mister! Look out!

[Gary tackles him, moving him out of the way. Gary looks up, sees the snowman’s head headed for him, and then it lands… Gary then pops out of the snowman’s hat and hears, ]

Lois: Gary?

Gary: Ah!

[Gary turns to see who called him.]

Lois: Is that you?

Gary: Mom?

[-- Cue opening credits --]

[SCENE: Scene: Gary and Lois are leaving snowman site, walking down a busy sidewalk.]

Gary: Mom? Hey, wait a second!

Lois: Gotta run, Gary. I’ve got a lot of errands.

Gary: What are you doing here?

Lois: What does it look like? I’m shopping.

Gary: No, I mean you didn’t even tell me you were comin’ to town.

Lois: Well, do you tell me every time you come to Indiana?

Gary: Yes.

Lois: Well, there you go.

Gary: Wai - - wai - - wait a second. Where - - where---where’s Dad?

Lois: He’s in Tampa for the weekend.

Gary: What do you mean he’s in Tampa - - Oh, yeah, the R.V. show.

Lois: See, it’s like a pilgrimage.

Gary: Where - - where are you sleeping?

Lois: At your place, of course. Gotta go.

[Lois kisses Gary on the cheek twice]

Lois: Bye.

Gary: Hey, Mom!

Lois: No, no, no. Gotta run. I’ll see you for dinner!

[She hurries away. Gary looks up and sees the men on the ground struggling to carry the snowman head back into the building. Gary shakes his head.]

[SCENE: Erica, Gary, Marissa, sitting at bar at McGinty’s.]

Marissa: Why are you so upset?

Gary: I am not upset.

Erica: I think it’s sweet.

Gary: No, it’s not sweet. It’s - - it’s strange, is what it is. See, my mother, she always calls before she shows up - - something’s up.

Marissa: Like what?

Gary: Well, I don’t know what, do I?

Erica: Why does anything have to be up? It just sounds like your mom’s an independent woman and you’re obviously having trouble with that.

Marissa: (agreeing) Mmm-hmm.

Erica: Do you have a problem with independent women, Gary?

[Gary glares at Erica.]

Marissa: (to Erica, but so Gary hears) He’s having trouble.

Erica: I’d say so.

Gary: Thank you very much for the input, but I gotta go.

Erica: Where?

Gary: Out.

Erica: Okay

[Gary hurries out of the bar, closes door. Shot goes back on Erica and Marissa.]

Erica: here we go again - - him and that paper.

Marissa: Well, you know Gary. He likes to, uh, keep up on current events, that’s all. (Smiles)

[SCENE: Gary, walking outside of McGinty’s, looking at paper, reads aloud:]

Gary: Yesterday afternoon, several employees of the Big Four Sporting Goods Store thwarted an attempted robbery.

[Flashes to black-and-white what would-be type scene. Shows a man in a long jacket, holding his fingers in his pocket to look like a gun, and says, This is a holdup.]

[Gary’s voice comes over the screen. Still reading from the paper. Quick-thinking clerks spotted the would-be robber in the checkout line and took what one manager described as appropriate measures.]

[Shows clerks pointing guns and arrows (from store) at the would-be robber and the black-and-white would-be scene flashes out.]

[SCENE: Gary, walking into that store, sees the would-be robber, stands behind him, and invents,]

Gary: Well, I don’t believe it. Moe?

Moe (the would-be robber) turns around, looks at Gary.

Gary: More Baxter, right?

Moe: Yeah.

Gary: Remember me? Gary Hobson. [Smiling]

More: No. [Turns back around.]

Gary: Come on, Moe. All those summers?

Moe: [turns and faces Gary again] At camp? [Smiling]

[Both smiling]

Gary: Camp. At camp. Yeah, camp. At Camp, uh…

Moe: Kwamba. [Pats his chest, puts his hand on his forehead, wiggles his fingers--- must have been the camp handshake.] Whoo, whoo.

Gary: [does what Moe did.] Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, oh boy, oh. Remember, uh…

Moe: The nicknames?

Gary: The nicknames!

Moe: Mine was Scooter.

Gary: Scooter. That’s right. Scooter.

Moe: What was yours?

Gary: M-mine?

Moe: Your nickname.

Gary: Oh, uh… He turns around to the man behind them in line and says to him, Oh, why don’t you go ahead? We’re trying to catch up here… old times. He turns back to Moe and says, Uh, mine? Oh, come on, you don’t remember my nickname, Scooter?

Moe: Stinky.

Gary: Stinky?

Moe: Stinky! You were Stinky! You - - You were the kid that wet your pants!

Gary: Oh, Hey, hey, well, you got me! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Moe: Hey, how’s the rash?

Gary: The rash? Oh, it comes and goes, the rash. So, how’s everything goin’, Scooter?

Moe: (forced smile) Great, uh, couldn’t be better.

Gary: Come on, Moe. Scooter.

Moe: Well…

Gary: Come on, come on. Listen. Scooter, this is Stinky talking to you here. Look, you could never - - you could never lie to me. Come on. Open up. Gary has his hand on Moe’s shoulder, walks him away from checkout line.

Moe: (sniffles) She’s gonna kill me.

Gary: Who’s gonna kill you?

Moe: Bernadette, my fiancé.

Gary: Well, you’re engaged. That’s great!

Moe: No, it’s not. All the money I was gonna spend on her ring, I lost it. This investment guy ripped me off.

[Gary looks at Moe with a commiserating look.]

Gary: When wha - - then what happened?

Moe: The guy lied to me. There is no company, phone number’s been disconnected, my money’s gone. I haven’t told Bernadette yet.

Gary: Look, Scooter, look, if this woman really loves you, then she wouldn’t care about your money, would she? I-I mean, she-she’d care about what’s in here, yeah? She’d care about what you - - what you have together.

Moe: You really think so?

Gary: Well, of course I think so! It’s Stinky talking to you here. Dogonnit, you gotta believe me on this, Scooter. Now, listen - - Oh, I forgot - - Looks at his watch L-look, I forgot - - I’ve got an appointment I’ve gotta catch. Look, it was really good seeing you. Look, Scooter, you okay?

Moe: (smiles) Yeah.

Gary turns to walk away.

Moe: Hey, Stinky! Kwamba! Whoo hoo!

Gary: does the hand thing and says, Ha, ha, ha, oh.

[Instead of whoo hoo. He does it with a very funny kind of this-is-really-weird-and-I-gotta-go way. Gary leaves store, Moe smiles.]

[SCENE: Lois walking into McGinty’s. She walks up to Marissa, who is reading a Braille book at the bar.]

Lois: Marissa? Hi, it’s Lois. Lois Hobson.

Marissa: Hey! Lois! Gary told me you were in town. They hug as Marissa says, Good to see you.

Lois: Is he here?

Marissa: Uh, no, he’s---

Lois: He’s out. Figures. I’ve just got to drop my things in his room.

Marissa: Okay. Wait, wait. I want you to meet someone. Erica? Erica Paget? Lois Hobson, Gary’s mom.

[Erica walks over, shakes Lois’s hand.]

Erica: It’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.

Lois: You know, he hasn’t said a thing about you.

Erica: Really?

Marissa: Well, you know Gary. He likes to keep things to himself.

Erica: Listen, can we get you anything? Some coffee or pop?

Lois: No. I’d love to chat, but I’m already late.

[She starts hurrying away.]

Mariss: Hey, how’s Bernie?

Lois: Bernie? Oh, Bernie. Bernie, he’s fine! He says to say hello! Nice to have met you, Erica!

Erica: Same here.

[Marissa and Erica smile.]

Erica: Definite family resemblance.

Marissa: You think.

Erica: The two of them, they’re always in a hurry

[Gary hurries into McGinty’s, and is out of breath, holding the paper.]

Gary: Ha-have you seen my mom?

Marissa: (laughing) Upstairs.

Gary: She’s here?

Erica: (smiling) Upstairs.

Gary: Sh-sh-she didn’t by chance say what she was up to?

Marissa: Nope.

Gary: This better not be another surprise party.

Marissa: Oh, trust me, it isn’t.

Erica: She didn’t say anything about that. Erica walks away.

Gary: Oh, she’s upstairs. My mom is upstairs, right in my room, and now’s when it starts.

Marissa: When what starts?

Gary: Oh, you know what. You know my mom. She’s gonna want to see the paper, then she’s gonna get involved, she’s gonna get into everything.

[Lois walks into bar with coat on, carrying her gloves.]

Lois: Hi, Gary. Uh, don’t worry about my stuff. I left it upstairs, and I’ll take care of the hideaway when I get back.

Gary: Mom, listen---

Lois: [hurrying out of the door] I’ve got to run. I’m late. See you, son.

Gary: Yeah, but Mom--

Lois: Bye. Door shuts.

Marissa: Don’t you hate it when you’re always right?

Gary: She’s up to something. I’ll see you later.

Marissa: Where’re you goin’?

Gary: Out.

[Gary closes door and leaves quickly.]

Erica: Like mother, like son.

Marissa: Mmm.

[SCENE: Gary walking down a sidewalk. He stops, hides behind a corner of a building, sees Lois at a payphone. An old lady looks at Gary with an I can’t believe you! look. Gary walks slowly around the woman and says to her, while gesturing to his mom,]

Gary: That’s my mom.

[SCENE: Lois walking up stairs inside of a nicely designed building. She takes off her gloves and walks over to a bartender and whispers,]

Lois: Um, excuse me. I’m looking for Stanley Hollenbeck.

[Bartender points to Stanley.]

Lois: Oh, thank you.

[Lois walks over to Stanley. He stands up and helps her to her seat. Camera then shows Gary walking up the same steps Lois had walked up earlier. He is holding his gloves and scarf and he hides behind a plant in the building to spy on Lois.]

Stanley: I know arrangements have been difficult, Lois, but we’re entering a crucial point in our relationship. It’s not to be taken lightly. From here on there’s to be trust and only trust.

[He pours them both, champagne.]

[Camera goes to Gary, who moves a branch down to see easier.]

[COMMERCIAL]

[Scene: Gary is still behind the plant. He pulls his jacket collar over his face and hurries to another plant for a better view.]

Stanley: It’s natural for you to have second thoughts, even guilt, but I really believe that this is what’s best for you. And I know in the end, you’re gonna thank me for not letting you walk away.

[Lois smiles, looks over at plant where Gary is hiding. Gary spreads branches for a better view, and Lois spots him, so Gary quickly lets go of branches to cover himself.]

[Lois gasps.]

Stanley: What is it?

Lois: [holding his hand]: Oh, it’s nothing. Stanley, would you excuse me for just a moment?

Stanley: Sure.

Lois: Be right back.

[She walks over to that plant, finds Gary speedily crawling away.]

Lois: Ahem!

[Gary stops.]

Lois: Lose a contact lens? What are you doing here, Gary?

[Gary stands up]

Gary: I could ask [unzips jacket] you the same thing.

[Lois grabs Gary’s jacket, pulls him away to follow her. They end up in the women's bathroom.]

Gary: Look, Mom--

Lois: Quiet!

[She looks around bathroom to see if anyone’s in it. Gary then looks around.]

Lois: Have you been following me?

Gary: No.

Lois: why are you here?

Gary: I came here to get a beer.

Lois: You own a bar.

Gary: Well, we ran out of pretzels.

Lois [puts her finger up]: Gary…

Gary: So who’s the guy?

Lois: What guy?

Gary [does the same motion that Lois did with her finger]: Mom…

Lois: Well, it’s none of your business.

Gary: Are you…

Lois: Am I…

Gary: You and him - - are you and Dad--

Lois: Oh, your dad has nothing to do with this.

Gary: Oh, I’m sure he’ll be glad to find that out!

Lois: Find out wh - - what are you talking about?

Gary: You’re gonna make me say it, aren’t you? You’re having a---blugh - - a - -

Lois: A… what?!

Gary: [struggles to say it] You’re having an [exhales] - - an affair!

Lois. [shocked] She says: An affair? Is that what you think? That’s why you’re following me?

Gary: Well, you avoid me all day, then all of a sudden I find you sippin’ champagne with a stranger. What am I supposed to think, huh?

Lois: I think you should give your mother the benefit of the doubt.

Gary: Okay. [exhales] Okay. So! What’s goin’ on? Who’s the guy?

Lois: None of your business…

Gary: Oohh! So why don’t I just go ask the little fella?

Lois: No, Gary! Wait. Look, do you really want to know what’s going on?

Gary [sarcastically]: Oh, no. I enjoy standing in the Ladies’ Room, Mom.

Lois: Fine. Just stay here. Let me say goodbye to Mr. Hollenbeck, and then I will tell you all about it. She walks out the door.

Gary: [mocking] Mr. Hollenbeck. [annoyed] You mind if I wait outside?

[SCENE: Gary and Lois walking down a sidewalk outside.]

Gary: Alright. S-so if it’s not an a - - [lowers his voice] an affair - - [voice returns to normal] then what is it?

Lois: It’s personal.

Gary: Look, this is your son talkin’ to you. If you can’t tell me, who can you tell?

Lois: I suppose you’re right.

Gary: So?

Lois: So, you know how your father thinks he’s the big financial genius of the family, when it’s me who writes all the checks and keeps the books---

Gary: Mom, what happened? They cross the street.

Lois: I invested some money.

Gary: Invested some money in what?

Lois: In a company, in that man that you saw back at the bar. He has a company.

Gary: What Company?

Lois: [sighs] I don’t know really, but it sounded really good on the phone.

Gary: On the phone?

Lois: Yeah. He called me the other day, out of the blue---

Gary: Hey, w-w-wait. You’re telling me you invested money on the phone with a guy you don’t even know?

Lois: Gary.

Gary: Well, how much did you invest/

Lois: It’s not important.

Gary: Mom.

Lois: [sighs] A lot. I mean, our nest egg. Everything your father and I saved, to buy that little cabin in the Smoky Mountains.

Gary: I don’t believe this.

Lois: Well, if you’re going to get critical, I don’t know why I bothered to tell you in the first place.

[Gary looks at headline in paper: MECHANIC KILLED IN FREAK ACCIDENT.]

[Lois starts walking away while saying,]

Lois: Besides, I’m gonna get it back. That’s why I’m here.

[Gary hurries to catch up with Lois]

Gary: No, you’re not gonna get it back. Mom, these guys, it’s not how they work. They don’t give you the money back. That’s not the way they go.

[He stops Lois and turns her around.]

Gary: Come on.’

Lois: Where are we going?

Gary: Just come on. This way.

Lois: Why?

[Camera shows sign TRYAD AUTOMOTIVE Parts and Service.]

[You can hear a man with a foreign accent yelling]

Automotive Man: Help! Somebody! A little help here! Anyone?

[Shows a man underneath a car in an automotive shop. The car is moving slowly downward. Gary and Lois walk in.]

Gary: You invested the whole nest egg?

Lois: Well… More or less.

Gary: Well, which is it - - more or less?

Lois: More.

Automotive Man: Hey, buddy, the lever. Any day now.

[Gary pushes the lever, which makes the car move slowly up instead of down.]

Automotive Man: There we go.

Gary to Lois: What did dad have to say?

Lois: You know, Gary, that is the funniest story---

Gary: You didn’t tell Dad, did you?

Automotive Man: Come on, I’m hanging here.

[Gary pulls lever to make car go down.]

Lois: Your father’s coming home from the R.V. Show on Monday. I’ll have all the money back by then.

Gary: Mom, I was a broker. If you wanted to invest money, why didn’t you call me?

Automotive Man: Helloo?

[Gary pushes lever to make the car stop.]

Lois: Your heart really wasn’t in that, son.

Gary: What is that supposed to mean?

Lois: Well, if your true calling would have been a stockbroker, you would have been more successful at it.

Gary: I really don’t believe this.

Lois: But your father and I are still very proud of you.

Gary: You’d rather invest money in a complete stranger then consult with your own son?

Automotive Man: Excuse me! I can’t feel my feet anymore.

Gary: Oh, uh… and reaches towards the lever.

Automotive Man: No! Don’t touch anything else. Just, hand me those pliers.

[Gary hands the man the pliers from a table behind them.]

Man: Thank you. Carry on.

Gary: I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna go to the police.

Lois: No, we’re not. I’m handling this.

Gary: Look, this is a classic scam. The guy ripped you off, and we’re goin’ to the police. He walks away.

Lois: No, we’re not! Gary! Lois follows.

[Man uses pliers to cut fabric on his clothes, and falls down off car onto the floor. He says, strained:]

Automotive Man: Oh! I’m all right. No worries!

[SCENE: Police station. Detective is sitting at his desk, Gary and Lois on the other side.]

Detective: ‘So this guy calls you at your home, which is in Indiana, right?

Lois: Yes.

Detective: And then, you wrote him a check on your local bank, which is in Indiana, right?

Lois: Yes.

Detective: And then you file a complaint with your local police, in Indiana, right?

Lois: Not exactly?

Detective: Not exactly?

Lois: I told you the police wouldn’t be any help.

Detective: Listen to your mother next time.

Gary: Yeah. Listen, the guy who took her money is right here in Chicago.

Gary: Show him the contract.

[Lois takes out a piece of paper and hands it to the detective, who looks at it and reads,]

Detective: Stanley Hollenbeck, Stability Investments.’ Hmm. Could be a boiler room scam. I guess I could poke around a little… After I finish what I’m workin’ on now.

Lois: And that would be…

Detective: Lunch?

[Lois takes back the contract, stands up]

Lois: Th-this isn’t any help.

[Gary stands up, too]

Gary: Well, uh, we’ll be in touch. Thanks for your time.

[SCENE: Gary’s loft above McGinty’s. Lois and Gary are putting sheets and blankets on a pullout bed for Lois.]

Gary: You’re gonna have to tell Dad. He’s gonna find out.

Lois: Not if I get the money back first.

Gary: Look, you’re not gonna get the money back. They guy’s a crook. He’s not gonna give you a dime, and I’ll tell you what, the police, they could care less, but Dad - - well, at least he’ll understand.

Lois: Understand? That I lost $30,000?

Gary: Yes, he’ll understand that you lost 30 thousand - - He stops, looks at Lois, and says: $30,000?

Lois: See?

Gary: You invested $30,000 with a complete stranger over the telephone?

Lois: Yeah. You still think your dad’s gonna understand?

Gary: No, he’s not gonna - - I don’t underst - - where did you - - I didn’t know you *had* $30,000.

Lois: I am not a total nincompoop, Gary. Your mother has been investing for years. Mutual funds, municipal bonds, the occasional Blue-Chip stock. I would say my overall return has averaged somewhere… over eighteen percent.

[Lois flashes a proud smile at the end.]

Gary: You’re kidding.

[Lois smiles firmly, in a proud told ya so kind of look.]

Gay: You’re not kidding. Okay, so then what happened?

Lois: I thought I was smart, but I was just smart enough to be taken by somebody like Stanley Hollenbeck.

[Lois walks into Gary’s kitchen.]

Gary: Stanley Hollenbeck. W-w-w-what did this - - what’d he cold-call you or somethin’?

Lois: Yeah. Got my name over the Internet - - one of those programs I use.

Gary: You buy your stocks off the internet?

Lois: Oh yeah, why pay brokerage fees.?

[Lois pours a glass of milk.]

Lois: Stanley was very good over the phone. He told me all about his little start-up company, how he was gonna supply the industries. He sent me a prospectus. I read it cover to cover. It sounded like a sure thing, so I sent him a check.

Gary: And?

Lois: And a month later, I couldn’t find the stock listed anywhere, so I called Stanley up, and the number was disconnected, and there was no forwarding. Oh, Gary, I just got the chills, and then I got sick, and then I got mad.

Gary: I suppose that’s when you started tracking him.

Lois nods and says: Took me about a month, but I got him on the phone.

Gary: And?

Lois: And he told me he’d meet me in this little bar that he likes, and that’s where you found us.

Gary: Well, forgive me for saying so, but you didn’t seem very angry with Stanley.

Lois: He was very slick, Gary. He had an excuse for everything. His building was flooded, and that screwed everything up. And, oh, NASDEQ lost a piece of paper, and that’s why he wasn’t listed.

Gary: Oh, Mom.

Lois: I didn’t say I believed him, but I had to play along. He told me I could have my money back if that’s what I wanted in the very end.

Gary: He’s not gonna give you your money back! He’s a crook!

Lois: I know that, Gary.

Gary: So now what are you gonna do?

Lois: I don’t know, but I’ll think of something.

[She walks by the couch, takes out things from her suitcase]

Lois: Don’t worry about your mother, Gary. I got myself into this mess, and I’ll get myself out.

Gary: [in a careless way] Yeah, that’s great. Now listen--

Lois: I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

Gary: W--

Lois: Ah!

[She cuts him off.]

Lois: I’m going to take a bath.

[She closes bathroom door. Gary whistles, throws his hand around in an exasperated kind of way.]

[SCENE: Camera showing over-night, fast-motion shot of McGinty’s. Gary in his bed, sleeping. The alarm clock wakes him up.]

Voice over alarm clock radio: Good morning, Chicago. It’s time to get up, you sleepyheads. It’s a beautiful day in Ch--

[Gary turns the alarm off with a groan, and turns over to go back to sleep. He turns back to face his alarm clock, and finds a note taped on it. He takes it off and reads aloud, with squinted eyes]

Gary: Gary, left early. I’m handling things. Talk to you later. Mom.

[Cat meows, newspaper thumps]

[Gary sets down note, gets up to get the paper. While he’s walking to the door, he looks at his mom’s bed, which is made neatly, and then he stubs his toe, and limps the rest of the way to the door. He opens the door, Cat meows and walks in. Gary picks up the paper, closes door, and reads aloud the front-page headline.]

Gary: INDIANA WOMAN SHOOTS CONMAN. The name of the shooter is being withheld by authorities. Mom?

[COMMERCIAL]

CONTINUE TO PART 2

Many thanks to Brandi for sharing her fanscription of "Nest Egg" – Thank you!

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