105 "Thief Swipes Mayor's Dog"
(Original Air Date: October 26, 1996)

Written by Bob Brush, Robert Rabinowitz and John Romano;
Directed by Susan Seidelman
(as "fanscribed" by
Janet)

Pictures for "Thief Swipes Mayor's Dog"

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Scene: Black & White shots of the city, landmarks and people. A woman pedestrian with a shopping bag passes by an apparently homeless woman sitting on a street corner.

CHUCK'S MONOLOGUE: THINGS CONNECT, ESPECIALLY IN A BIG CITY. PEOPLE RUB ELBOWS....AMONG OTHER THINGS. IT'S WHAT YOU CALL A DEMOCRACY. IT'S ONE BIG MELTING POT -- WHATEVER THAT IS -- (Rabbi & another man, possibly a Muslim are talking together) WHERE THE LITTLE GUY AT THE BOTTOM CAN SIT DOWN TO LUNCH WITH THE GUYS AT THE TOP. (Three hard hats sit on the curb outside an outdoor cafe. One of them tosses a crumpled piece of paper over his shoulder. It lands on the table where executive types are sitting)IN THEORY, ANYWAY.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

MAN 1: OH, WHOSE FAULT IS THIS?

MAN 2: IT'S YOUR FAULT!

MAN 1: YOU BROKE MY TAILLIGHT! (scene becomes color)

MAN 2: LOOK AT MY CAR! (steam coming out from under hood)

CHUCK'S MONOLOGUE CONTINUED: NO MATTER WHERE YOU LOOK, YOU CAN SEE IT IN ACTION -- THE FREE AND OPEN EXCHANGE OF IDEAS, THE MEETING OF MINDS. (Two men arguing jump over bumpers of cars. Continue their argument on the sidewalk.)

MAN 1: I PULLED OUT 'CAUSE THAT'S MY JOB!

MAN 2: YOU'RE A LOUSY CABDRIVER!

CHUCK'S MONOLOGUE CONTINUED: NOT THAT THE SYSTEM DOESN'T HAVE A FEW BUGS. (Young man in dark clothes lift woman's purse from her child's stroller as Gary approaches dressed in a coat & tie. Looks straight at the guy and shakes his head. The purse snatcher changes his mind and he and Gary leave.)

MAN 1: I DO KNOW HOW TO DRIVE! I DRIVE EVERY DAY!

MAN 2: THIS YOUR MOM'S CAR?

MAN 1: HOW DID YOU EVER GET A LICENSE?

MAN 2: YOUR LIFE IS OVER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Scene: Street corner outside of office building. A street musician is playing the saxophone. Gary, paper in hand stops in front of the door. Reaches in his pocket as he approaches the saxophonist. Takes a bill out and drops it in with the other money in the saxophone's case. Then he enters the building.

CHUCK'S MONOLOGUE: THE POT IS WHERE THERE'S OPPORTUNITY FOR ALL, ESPECIALLY A GUY WITH TOMORROW'S NEWSPAPER. STILL, HAVING A RAG THAT TELLS THE FUTURE ISN'T ALWAYS ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE.

Scene: Lobby of the office building. Gary has approached the receptionist's desk.

RECEPTIONIST: HELP YOU?

GARY: HI. I'M HERE TO APPLY FOR A JOB.

RECEPTIONIST: I DON'T BELIEVE WE HAVE ANY OPENINGS.

GARY: OH. WELL, UH, IT SAYS RIGHT HERE, UH, (Points at the ad in his paper) "FINANCIAL CONSULTANT. SEE?

RECEPTIONIST: EXCUSE ME ONE MOMENT. (Takes Gary's paper and leaves the desk for a nearby office.)

GARY: WAIT. MY PAPER. (Watches as receptionist walks off with his paper.)

RECEPTIONIST: HARVEY, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS? (Shows ad to the man in the office.)

HARVEY: WHAT? YES, CAN I HELP YOU? (Approaches Gary with a smile from the office.)

GARY: WELL, YES. WELL, RIGHT HERE -- (Points to ad in the paper)

HARVEY: "FINANCIAL CONSULTANT" THIS MUST BE SOME KIND OF A MISTAKE. THAT'S MY JOB. (Shakes his head)

GARY: WELL, ARE YOU SURE? IT SAYS RIGHT HERE -- (Points to ad again)

HARVEY: YES. BEEN HERE EIGHT YEARS NOW.

GARY: WELL...UH, WELL, OF COURSE. IT MUST BE A MISTAKE, AND I, UH... THANK YOU. (Backs away to leave. Appears embarrassed by his "mistake". Another man enters the lobby waving some papers in his hand.)

MAN: HARVEY, IS THIS YOUR REPORT?

HARVEY: YES. (Smiles and gestures with right hand.)

MAN: IT'S THE SHODDIEST PIECE OF WORK I'VE EVER SEEN. COLLECT YOUR PAYCHECK. YOU'RE OUT OF HERE. (Shakes papers at Harvey. Harvey's smile fades.

GARY: SORRY. WRONG DAY. (Gets on the elevator and waves with a smile as the doors close.

Scene: Street. Long line of people standing outside store which sells lottery tickets.

Man: GOOD MORNING. IT'S WEDNESDAY IN CHICAGO, MARTY IN THE MORNING AND HERE'S THE NEWS -- LOTTERY FEVER HAS TAKEN THE CITY BY STORM. THE NEW "METROPOLITAN PIK," INTRODUCED BY MAYOR GARFIELD LAST MONTH, WILL ATTEMPT ONCE AGAIN TONIGHT TO PRODUCE A WINNING MATCH. AFTER SEVEN CONSECUTIVE DRAWINGS IN WHICH NO WINNER HAS BEEN FOUND, THE PAYOFF NOW STANDS AT NEARLY $17 MILLION.

Scene: Gary's room at the Blackstone. Chuck stands in the kitchen filling his coffee mug.

CHUCK: I'M DYING. I'M DYING. I CAN'T TAKE THIS. DID YOU HEAR THAT? (Puts the coffee pot back. Reaches up to turn the radio off.)

GARY: (Sitting at table with the paper in hand trying to ignore Chuck's whining.) HEAR WHAT?

CHUCK: 17 MILLION SMACKERS

GARY: YEAH.

CHUCK: AND WHO GETS THE WINNING NUMBER EVERY DAY BEFORE IT'S EVEN PICKED? (Leans on the counter, then walks around to stand behind Gary)

GARY: FORGET IT. I'M NOT BUYING THE TICKET. (Studying the paper in his hand. Apparently circling possibilities in the Want Ads.)

CHUCK: GARY. GARY, PLEASE, FOR MY HEALTH, FOR MY WELL-BEING, FOR MY SANITY, I'M BEGGING YOU. JUST CONSIDER IT ONE MORE TIME.

GARY: OKAY, UH...(turns to look at Chuck, hesitates then answers) I'M NOT BUYING THE TICKET. (gets up from the table with the paper in hand)

CHUCK: LORD, YOU GIVE THEM EYES, BUT THEY DO NOT SEE. (Walks into the main part of the room making a reference to Scripture.)

GARY: HERE'S ONE -- (Climbs out through window onto roof with coffee mug in hand. Walks to where Marissa is seated at his little table. "SALES PROMOTIONS. FLEXIBLE HOURS, EXCELLENT PAY, ROOM FOR ADVANCEMENT."

MARISSA: SOUNDS GOOD. WHAT'S THE COMPANY? (Gary sits at the table)

GARY: IT'S, UH... AL'S AUTO WASH.

MARISSA: YOU MEAN THE ONE WITH THE SINGING CHICKEN? (Giggles briefly)

GARY: "AND COSTUME PROVIDED," YEAH.

MARISSA: WHAT ELSE? (Shakes her head smiling. Puts right elbow on the table, then puts her chin on her right fist.)

GARY: THERE'S NOTHING HERE THAT DOESN'T TIE ME TO A DESK FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. HOW AM I GOING TO HOLD DOWN A JOB WHILE I'M SHACKLED TO THIS THING? (Unfolds paper, puts down on table in disgust. Chuck climbs through the window and joins them at the table.)

CHUCK: IF I MAY, A SUGGESTION -- WIN THE LOTTERY, BUY COMPANY IF YOU REALLY NEED TO, WORK IN THE MAILROOM. (Walks around Gary carrying his coffee. Gary turns toward him.

GARY: WHAT I NEED IS A REAL JOB, ONE THAT I FIND FOR MYSELF, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. (Nods his head and picks up his coffee taking a sip.

CHUCK: NOT WHEN YOU HAVE THIS. (Sits down next to Gary and indicates the paper.)

MARISSA: WHAT YOU NEED IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO AT HOME, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL THIS PLACE. (Nods her head.)

GARY: LIKE WHAT, STUFFING ENVELOPES? (Chuck picks up the paper. There is a hole in the top of the front page where something has been removed.)

CHUCK: WHERE'S THE LOTTERY RESULTS? (GARY TAKES THEM OUT OF HIS SHIRT POCKET.) AH, SO MUCH FOR TRUST. (Gary gives Chuck a somewhat smug look.)

GARY: GIVE ME THAT. (Snatches the paper away from Chuck.)

CHUCK: TAKE IT. WHAT GOOD IS IT TO ME NOW ANYWAY?

GARY: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. (Looks at headline to article he removed when he took the lottery results out.)

CHUCK: TO THINK THAT I WOULD STOOP SO LOW -- ME, YOUR BEST AND ONLY TRUE FRIEND.

GARY: HEY, LOOK AT THIS. (Headline reads: Thief Swipes Mayor's Dog) WHY WOULD SOMEBODY DO THIS?

CHUCK: WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO WHAT?

GARY: (Reading from the paper) "CITY OFFICIALS ARE PUZZLING OVER A BIZARRE ATTEMPT YESTERDAY TO KIDNAP MAYOR GARFIELD'S DOG. (Black and white clip of the event plays as Gary reads) "GARFIELD, ON HIS DAILY MEET-THE-PRESS WALK, WAS ACCOSTED BY AN UNIDENTIFIED MAN IN A SKI CAP WHO RAN OFF CARRYING PATSY, THE MAYOR'S PET TERRIER. THE MAYOR, WHO IS REPORTED AS SHAKEN, BUT FINE, WAS QUICKLY WHISKED AWAY BY BODYGUARDS...WHILE NEITHER THIEF NOR DOG HAD BEEN HEARD FROM BY THE END OF THE DAY.

CHUCK: SO? SOME NUT WITH A POOCH. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

GARY: IT'S THE MAYOR. (Glaring at Chuck)

CHUCK: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID -- SOME NUT WITH A POOCH.

MARISSA: I TAKE IT YOU DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIM.

CHUCK: NO. (Looks at Marissa.)

GARY: WELL, I DID. DO YOU WANT MORE COFFEE? (Takes the headline with the lottery results on the back with him as he leaves.)

MARISSA: SURE.

Scene: Sidewalk through park. Gary & Chuck walking together.

CHUCK: I CANNOT BELIEVE WE'RE DOING THIS.

GARY: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HERE. GO TO WORK. (Reads the paper as he walks along. Pedestrians rollerblader and bus in the background.)

CHUCK: OH, NO, (Claps Gary on the shoulder) NOT WHILE THERE IS A CHANCE TO MAKE YOU LISTEN TO REASON.

GARY: REASON. WHAT REASON?

CHUCK: THAT ONE. (Points at nun walking by with lottery ticket in hand)

NUN: GOT THE WINNER. (Holds the ticket up as they pass each other.)

CHUCK: MIRACLES HAPPEN, SISTER. (Gary & Chuck look behind them as she passes them)

GARY: DOESN'T THIS SEEM ODD TO YOU?

CHUCK: THAT A GUY HAS A CHANCE TO MAKE A FORTUNE BEYOND HIS WILDEST DREAMS, AND HE TURNS IT DOWN? (Gary & Chuck approach a park bench and sit down. Gary is still reading the article about the mayor's dog.) ABSOLUTELY.

GARY: NO, NOT THAT. THE STORY.

CHUCK: OH, THAT ONE.

GARY: THIS GUY CAN SPEND 20 YEARS I PRISON, SO WHY DOES HE GO AND STEAL THE MAYOR'S DOG? (Gary lowers the paper, looks at Chuck and gestures with his right hand.)

CHUCK: MAYBE HE ATE TOO MANY DOUGHNUTS. MAYBE HE JUST DOESN'T LIKE THE MAYOR. I DON'T KNOW. SPEAKING OF WHICH.. (Gary is leaning forward, Chuck is leaning back with his arms over the back of the bench.)

[SIRENS WAILING]

(Chuck points toward the source of the disturbance.)

[REPORTER SHOUTING]

Two motorcycle cops stop in front of the mayor's limo. An aide steps out followed by the mayor himself. Photographers and reporters run up.

MAYOR GARFIELD: HEY. MORNING, FOLKS. LOVELY DAY.

AIDE: KEEP THEM BACK. NOW, REMEMBER WHAT YOU DECIDED -- STAY AWAY FROM EDUCATION AND KEEP YOUR ANSWERS VAGUE. (Closes the limo door. Takes the waving mayor aside.)

MAYOR GARFIELD: I DECIDED THAT WHEN? GOOD MORNING. AND HOW ARE WE ALL THIS FINE DAY? (Gary & Chuck look over toward the group as it proceeds down the roadway through the park.)

REPORTER: CAN YOU EXPLAIN THE FACT THAT YOUR NEW LOTTERY HAS YET TO PRODUCE A WINNING MATCH?

MAYOR GARFIELD: NO, BUT IT'S ALL FOR A WORTHY CAUSE. I BOUGHT MY TICKET. HAVE YOU? (Looks back toward the reporters as he walks along.)

REPORTER 2: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR SUDDEN DIP IN POPULARITY OVER THE LAST SEVERAL WEEKS?

MAYOR GARFIELD: WHAT? WHAT DID HE SAY? (Looks at his aide in confusion.)

REPORTER 3: MR. MAYOR, THE POLLS INDICATE --

AIDE: NO MORE QUESTIONS.

MAYOR GARFIELD: WHAT DOES HE MEAN? WHAT POLLS?

AIDE: WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DISCUSS THESE DAILY WALKS. (Mayor, aide and Patsy walk along. The mayor waves his arms.)

MAYOR GARFIELD: WHY? PATSY LOVES THEM, AND I DO THINK A MAYOR SHOULD BE SEEN RIGHT, PATSY?

(Camera switches between the mayor and his entourage and a man in a ski mask and dark glasses who lowers a newspaper as the mayor approaches his location. The newspaper is printed in a foreign language - possibly Russian.)

GARY: THERE HE IS. (Gary spots the would-be thief as the man rises and rushes toward the mayor.)

MAYOR GARFIELD: WELL, HI. I'M MIKE GARFIELD.

GARY: WAIT! STOP THAT GUY! (Gary rushes over from the bench he and Chuck are sitting on. The Mayor's bodyguards wrestle Gary to the ground as he chases the would-be thief. The thief escapes. Bodyguard has chokehold of sorts on Gary.)

MAN: GO, GO, GO! NOT ME. THAT GUY! GET HIM OUT OF HERE! LET'S GO.

MAYOR GARFIELD: WHO'S THAT? (Looks over toward Gary. Has Patsy in his arms as they approach the limo.

MAN: WHO CARES? WHAT ABOUT HIM? LAST THING WE NEED IS PUBLICITY. THE PRESS WOULD HAVE A FIELD DAY WITH THIS. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. DRIVE. (Mayor is hustled into the limo as it pulls up. Gary's assailant let's go but Gary lies on the ground while they leave. Shortly thereafter Gary sits up. Chuck, looking stunned, rushes over to help Gary.)

CHUCK: HOLY COW. ARE YOU OKAY? (HELPS GARY TO HIS FEET.) DID YOU SEE THAT?

GARY: YEAH, I SAW IT. (Brushes sleeves of jacket off. Takes the paper from Chuck.)

CHUCK: I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

GARY: NEITHER DO I. TRYING TO TAKE THE MAYOR'S DOG. THE GUY'S A FRUITCAKE. (Staring after fleeing thief.)

CHUCK: WRONG. (Looks at the fleeing thief stunned.)

GARY: HUH? (Looks away from Chuck back toward the thief.)

CHUCK: THAT GUY WAS NO FRUITCAKE. THAT GUY WAS MY UNCLE PHIL.

Scene: City street. Cyclist pedals by a line of people waiting to buy lottery tickets.

VOICE-OVER RADIO ANNOUNCER: IT'S 1:00 IN CHICAGO, AND THE MAYOR'S LOTTERY PAYOFF CONTINUES TO CLIMB.

CHUCK: COME ON I'LL PAY FOR THE TICKET.

GARY: NO.

CHUCK: FINE. BE THAT WAY.

MARISSA: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AN UNCLE PHIL.

CHUCK: IT'S NOTHING TO BRAG ABOUT, BELIEVE ME.

GARY: HE'S REALLY YOUR UNCLE?

CHUCK: ME AND HALF HE NEIGHBORHOOD. (Gary and Chuck looking at each other as they round the corner by the store.)

GARY: HUH?

CHUCK: DON'T ASK. HE'S A CROSS BETWEEN ZORBA THE GREEK, AND JABBA THE HUTT. CALLS HIMSELF "CITIZEN KAZAKIAN."

GARY: PATRIOTIC?

CHUCK: ARMENIAN. CAME OVER HERE 48 YEARS AGO IN THE HOLD OF A TUNA BOAT.

GARY: WHERE DO WE FIND THIS UNCLE PHIL?

CHUCK: YOU DON'T FIND UNCLE PHIL...YOU SMELL HIM. (Takes a few steps forward sniffing the air around them while Gary remains where they paused.

Scene: Street corner. Old man is serving customers at a hot dog cart.

UNCLE PHIL: HERE YOU GO. ENJOY. AND REMEMBER TO VOTE.

GARY: (Paper in hand approaches the cart.) EXCUSE ME.

UNCLE PHIL: UH-OH. (Looks up, sees Gary and tries to run.)

CHUCK: NOT SO FAST. (Catches the old man by the arm before he can escape.)

UNCLE PHIL: CHARLIE?

CHUCK: UNCLE PHIL.

UNCLE PHIL: OH.

CHUCK: LONG TIME NO SEE. (Hugs Uncle Phil briefly and pats him on the back as Gary joins them.) COME ON. (Gary and Chuck force Phil to go with them.)

UNCLE PHIL: HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?

CHUCK: WE'RE TAKING YOU TO LUNCH. (Chuck puts his hand on the back of Phil's neck/shoulder.)

UNCLE PHIL: YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.

Scene: small restaurant. The trio enters. A plate laden waitress passes them as they enter. The bell over the door rings as they come through the door.

CHUCK: IN HERE.

UNCLE PHIL: YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS. THIS A KIDNAPPING. SOMEBODY COULD STEAL MY CART. (Gary & Chuck pull Uncle Phil along to the counter and sit in seats on either side of him.)

CHUCK: I DOUBT IT. OKAY, PHIL, TALK TO US.

UNCLE PHIL: WELCOME BACK TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD. YOU LOST WEIGHT OR SOMETHING? (Looks at Chuck.)

CHUCK: THANK YOU FOR NOTICING. (Looks straight ahead and taps fingers on countertop.)

UNCLE PHIL: (Pointing at Gary.) WHO'S THAT?

CHUCK: GARY. GARY, PHIL. PHIL, GARY.

(Gary & Phil nod in acknowledgment if the introduction.)

UNCLE PHIL: CHARMED. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? (Briefly raises his hands from the counter then lowers them again.)

CHUCK: THE MAYOR, PHIL.

UNCLE PHIL: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. (Shrugs and looks down with eyes half closed.)

GARY: WE KNOW YOU WERE THERE.

UNCLE PHIL: PROVE IT. (Leans over toward Chuck.)

GARY: YOU TRIED TO SWIPE THE MAYOR'S DOG. (Camera switches back and forth between the three of them briefly.)

UNCLE PHIL: PSYCHIC? (Leans toward Chuck again.)

CHUCK: COLLEGE GRADUATE. (Leans back, raises hands then lowers.)

GARY: WE KNOW WHAT YOU TRIED TO DO. THE QUESTION IS WHY. (Raises right hand from his arm briefly, then lowers.)

UNCLE PHIL: WHY? (Looks over at Chuck then at Gary then at Chuck again.)

GARY: WHY?

UNCLE PHIL: WHY? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? ASK THE MAYOR. (Spits on the floor.)

GARY: WHAT DID HE DO TO YOU?

UNCLE PHIL: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE DID TO ME. THAT LOUSY, NO-GOOD POLITICIAN... HE RAN OVER MY DOG. (Places picture of the dog on the counter in front of him. Gary looks at Phil then the picture. Phil nods in affirmation.) IT WAS TWO MONTHS AGO YESTERDAY. WE WERE SETTING UP MY CART --ME AND BUGLE. EVER SINCE MY WIFE DIED, HE WAS WELL, YOU KNOW, UH, HE WAS WATCHING THE CART. I HAD TROUBLE WITH THE UMBRELLA. THERE WAS KIND OF A SCREW LOOSE. THE NEXT THING I KNEW...

FLASHBACK: Phil and Bugle on the night of the accident. As Phil fights with the umbrella Bugle spots a female poodle. Then there is a cartoonish shot of bugle and the poodle falling in love. The poodle wears a pink bow on her head. Bugle blindly runs out in the street as Phil watches. A horn honks and a trash truck hits Bugle. BUGLE! HE NEVER EVEN SAW IT COMING. BUGLE! NEVER HAD A CHANCE, POOR MUTT. DIED FOR LOVE. (Scene changes back to the trio at the counter. There is a close up of Bugle's picture again.)

GARY: I'M VERY SORRY, PHIL.

UNCLE PHIL: YEAH, I'M TOUCHED.

Chuck: BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE MAYOR?

UNCLE PHIL: IT WAS HIS GARBAGE TRUCK. IT WAS WRITTEN ON THE SIDE -- "CITY OF CHICAGO." WHO RUNS THE CITY? THE MAYOR. (Phil looks back and forth between Gary and Chuck. Scene changes to the location of Phil's Hot Dog Cart. Phil spoons mustard onto a hot-dog that has onions on it already.) YOU GENTS WANT SOME REAL FOOD? ANYWAY I MADE PHONE CALLS, I SENT LETTERS. AFTER I BURIED BUGLE, I FIGURED SOMEBODY WOULD WANT TO KNOW, BUT NOBODY EVER WROTE. SAUERKRAUT?

GARY: NO, THANKS. (Camera switches back and forth between Gary & Chuck & Phil.)

UNCLE PHIL: I CALLED THE SANITATION DEPARTMENT, AND THEY SENT ME TO PEST CONTROL. NOW, HOW'S THAT FOR DEMOCRACY? HOW ABOUT RELISH?

GARY: NO. THANKS.

UNCLE PHIL: THEN I WENT TO THE MAYOR'S OFFICE I FIGURED THAT THIS GUY WOULD UNDERSTAND. THAT WHEN A MAN LOSES HIS DOG TO A TRASH TRUCK, THAT'S A HUMAN TRAGEDY. HOW COME YOU'RE NOT EATING? (Gary has his hot dog to his mouth but hasn't taken a bite yet. Phil takes a bite out of his own hot-dog.)

CHUCK: VEGETARIAN.

UNCLE PHIL: OH. I EVEN PUT ON A SUIT AND A TIE- THE ONE FROM MY WEDDING. I WALK IN, THEY TELL ME HE'S BUSY. BUSY, LIKE I'M NOT. I WAITED THREE HOURS -- THREE HOURS - THEN I KNEW THAT HERE'S A RAT IN DENMARK.

CHUCK: SO YOU DECIDED TO STEAL HIS DOG?

UNCLE PHIL: I'D DO IT AGAIN. AN EYE FOR AN EYE, A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.

CHUCK: YOU COULD GO TO JAIL FOR THAT.

UNCLE PHIL: NOT PHIL KAZAKIAN. LET THEM TRY.

CHUCK: (Looking at Gary) SEE? WHAT DID I TELL? YOU HOPELESS. (Looks at Phil) YOU'RE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

UNCLE PHIL: AND YOU WAS ALWAYS A WEASELY KIND OF KID.

GARY: OH, WAIT A SECOND PHIL, IS THERE SOME WAY WE CAN RESOLVE THIS? I CAN'T SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE CHASING YOU AROUND TOWN OVER THIS. (Gary tries to break up the family feud. Holds the paper in his left hand while gesturing with his right hand. Chuck turns away.)

UNCLE PHIL: OKAY...THERE IS SOMETHING. (Takes a bite of his hot dog. Nods & raises his right eyebrow briefly.)I WANT AN APOLOGY FROM THE MAYOR. IN WRITING -- TODAY.

CHUCK: COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. WE'RE WASTING OUR TIME.

GARY: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. (Puts hand out to stop Chuck.) OKAY WE'LL GO SEE HIM NOW.

CHUCK: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? THE MAYOR DOESN'T CARE ABOUT SOME DUMB DOG. (Looks at Gary and then at Phil.)

UNCLE PHIL: HEY! (Looks at Chuck angrily.)

GARY: YES, HE WILL. DON'T WORRY, HE'LL SEE US. (Looks at Chuck then walks up to Phil and nods confidently.)

Scene: Brief exterior shot of City Hall. Change to interior of lobby. Gary and Phil stand a couple of feet back from the receptionist's desk. Chuck paces in front of it.)

WOMAN: I'M SORRY THE MAYOR CAN'T SEE YOU TODAY.

CHUCK: UH HUH. HERE'S WHAT I'M TRYING NOT TO DO - I'M TRYING NOT TO PICK UP THAT PHONE, AND CALL THE ALDERMAN, AND TELL HIM THAT A MISS -- WHAT IS YOUR NAME? (Stops pacing and stands directly in front of the receptionist.)

WOMAN: BECKER.

CHUCK: MISS BECKER HAS KEPT US WAITING FOR OVER AN HOUR.

MISS BECKER: ARE YOU SAYING YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE MAYOR?

CHUCK: YOU ARE TAKING THE LINE THAT WE NEVER EVEN HAD AN APPOINTMENT? I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO SIT VERY WELL WITH THE ALDERMAN'S ULCERS. (Resumes pacing then stops again.)

MISS BECKER: WHICH ALDERMAN?

(Camera switches back and forth between them.)

CHUCK: HMM? WHICH ALDERMAN? SPAGILATORI.

MISS BECKER: NICE TRY.

UNCLE PHIL: I'M GOING IN. (Starts to leave for the Mayor's office. Gary reaches out and stops him.)

GARY: NO, WAIT. YOU WAIT OUTSIDE. (Pushes him toward the door. Phil is reluctant to leave.)

UNCLE PHIL: WHAT?

GARY: OUTSIDE. (To Chuck as he pushes him toward the door too.) YOU WAIT OUTSIDE, TOO. GO.

CHUCK: (To Phil as they head for the door.) ARE YOU NUTS? NOW SEE WHAT YOU DID?

UNCLE PHIL: TRAITOR.

GARY: MISS, UH, BECKER. (Lays paper down on the counter and leans on the counter.)

UNCLE PHIL: (To Chuck) DON'T START WITH ME.

MISS BECKER: YES?

GARY: I APOLOGIZE FOR MY FRIENDS, BUT, YOU SEE, I'VE...I'VE GOT KIND OF A PROBLEM HERE, AND I WONDER IF YOU COULD -- WELL I WONDER IF YOU COULD HELP ME OUT?

(Camera switches back and forth between them.)

MISS BECKER: WHAT KIND OF PROBLEM? (Leans toward Gary. Phones are ringing.)

GARY: IT'S KIND OF A PERSONAL PROBLEM, AND, ... AND IT WOULD ONLY TAKE A MINUTE...IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

MISS BECKER: THE BATHROOMS ARE IN THE LOBBY, AND THE MAYOR IS BUSY.

(A small dog is heard barking. Mayor Garfield comes into the lobby chasing his little dog Patsy.)

MAYOR GARFIELD: PATSY, COME BACK HERE! (Stops when he sees Gary.) WHO'S THIS?

MISS BECKER: I TOLD HIM YOU WERE UNAVAILABLE, SIR.

MAYOR GARFIELD: NONSENSE. (Gestures with both hands and walks over to Gary. Shakes hands with him.) A MAYOR'S NEVER TOO BUSY TO HEAR FROM THE PEOPLE.

MISS BECKER: BUT YOU HAVE A LOTTERY DRAWING IN JUST FEW MINUTES.

MAYOR GARFIELD: I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW. (Gestures impatiently.) COME IN. JUST COME RIGHT IN. YOU'RE THE FELLOW WHO APPROACHED ME IN THE PARK, AREN'T YOU? (Takes Gary to his office after clapping him on the shoulder. Miss Becker picks up the phone.)

MISS BECKER: Mr. Flanagan

Scene: Mayor Garfield's office. The mayor is sitting at his desk. Gary is in a chair across from him. The camera switches back and forth between them.)

MAYOR GARFIELD: ME? YOU SURE?

(Camera switches to Gary.)

GARY: YOUR HONOR IT WASN'T YOU EXACTLY. IT WAS ONE OF YOUR TRUCKS. A TRASH TRUCK.

MAYOR GARFIELD: THAT'S NOT GOOD. TRASH TRUCKS ARE FOR HAULING TRASH, NOT SQUASHING DOGS. (Camera switches back and forth.)

GARY: THAT'S MR. KAZAKIAN'S POINT EXACTLY, SIR.

(Door to the office opens. The pushy aide from the park walks in.

FLANAGAN: MR. MAYOR.

MAYOR GARFIELD: FLANAGAN, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE. (Stands up.)

FLANAGAN: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE GRANTING INTERVIEWS. IT'S NOT ON THE SCHEDULE.

MAYOR GARFIELD: THUS IS A SPECIAL CASE. (Gary stands. Turns toward Flanagan.) THIS GENTLEMAN HAS COME TO ME WITH A RATHER SERIOUS DISCLOSURE.

FLANAGAN: WE'VE MET -- IN THE PARK. (Points at Gary. Holds books/files under his arm.)

GARY: THAT'S RIGHT.

FLANAGAN: WHAT KIND OF DISCLOSURE? (Walks around Gary to Mayor's side.)

MAYOR GARFIELD: IT SEEMS ONE OF OUR CONSTITUENTS HAS A GRIEVANCE WITH SANITATION. (Mayor looks at Flanagan.)

FLANAGAN: GARBAGE?

GARY: A DOG.

MAYOR: DEAD.

FLANAGAN: AND WHAT DOES THIS CONSTITUENT WANT? (Looking at the mayor.)

GARY: AN APOLOGY. (Holds both arms out from his sides as he speaks. Camera switches to Mayor & Flanagan.)

FLANAGAN: YOU'RE JOKING. (Looks over at Gary.)

MAYOR GARFIELD: I'M GOING TO GRANT IT. (Nods) DO YOU THINK A PERSONAL NOTE WILL DO THE TRICK? (Sits at his desk to take care of it.)

GARY: WELL, I-IT MIGHT. (Half nods)

FLANAGAN: OF COURSE, YOUR HONOR. YOU'D KNOW BEST IN THESE THINGS, BUT ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WISE?

MAYOR GARFIELD: WHY NOT? (Holds hands out in "why not' gesture)

FLANAGAN: THINK ABOUT THE IMPLICATIONS.

GARY: IT-IT'S JUST A NOTE. (Holds hands out in the same way the mayor did.)

FLANAGAN: ON THE FACE OF IT, YES, BUT WE'LL HAVE THE SANITATION UNION TO DEAL WITH -- VERY POWERFUL -- NOT TO MENTION INSURANCE. AND WHEN THIS NOTE GOES PUBLIC, THERE'S BOUND TO BE A MOVEMENT TO REFIT THE TRUCKS, SAFETY ISSUES, THE ASPCA WILL BE ALL OVER US. STILL, FEEL FREE TO ACT ON YOUR INSTINCTS. (Walks around the mayor's desk from right to left. Stops then goes back the other way. Gary looks disgusted. Taps the papers on the desk with the back of his fingers.)

MAYOR GARFIELD: LET ME CONSIDER THOSE VERY PRUDENT.

GARY: SIR. ALL THE MAN WANTS IS SIMPLE. (Looks at the mayor earnestly)

FLANAGAN: LET'S LET THE MAYOR DECIDE, SHALL WE?

(Miss Becker comes to the door.)

MISS BECKER: MR. FLANAGAN, MR. ROUNDTREE IS ON THE LINE.

(Gary turns toward the door. Mayor & Flanagan look toward the door.)

FLANAGAN: LET ME TAKE THAT IN MY OFFICE.

(Gary turns back to the mayor. Becker & Flanagan leave.)

[Camera turns switches to Patsy as she barks.)

GARY: YOUR HONOR, I HOPE YOU WON'T LET THAT STOP YOU. (Approaches the mayor's desk.)

MAYOR GARFIELD: I'VE GOT IT... AN AUTOGRAPH. (Pulls out a drawer. Takes pen out and writes on a piece of paper on his desk eagerly.) HOW ABOUT THAT? SIGNED PERSONALLY.

GARY: I DON'T THINK THAT'S NECESSARILY - (Shakes his head.)

MAYOR GARFIELD: NONSENSE. I DON'T MIND AT ALL AND SEND HIM MY BEST WISHES. (Looks up at Gary smiling. When finished writing he stands and hands Gary the paper.)

GARY: WELL... (Takes paper from mayor. Tries to say more. Looks down at the paper then up at the mayor.)

MAYOR GARFIELD: THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO. (shrugs shoulders)

Scene: Street outside City Hall. Gary has given the paper to Phil.

UNCLE Phil: AN AUTOGRAPH? THIS IS IT? WHAT HAPPENED TO "I'M SORRY"? (Looks over at Gary.)

GARY: I TRIED TO GET IT, BUT -- (Tries to explain to indignant Phil.) WELL...WELL I...

UNCLE PHIL: IT'S GOT NUMBERS ON THE BACK. HE COULDN'T USE A CLEAN SHEET OF PAPER? (Camera switches to Gary facing Chuck and Chuck with arms folded.)

CHUCK: I told you you wouldn't get it.

GARY: I TOLD YOU. I ALMOST GOT IT. THAT FLANAGAN GUY ACTS LIKE HE'S THE MAYOR. I ALMOST FELT SORRY FOR THE OLD GUY UP THERE. (Points toward City Hall. Turns back to look at Phil.)

CHUCK: POLITICIANS ARE ALL FULL OF IT.

UNCLE PHIL: AND TO THINK THAT I VOTED FOR THAT SCHLUB. PEOPLE'S" MAYOR? (Turns to face city hall.)THEN I'M ARNOLD SCHWARZ-HIS-FACE. (Starts up the stairs.)I'M GOING IN. (Gary heads him off.)

Gary: W...W...WAIT. YOU'VE GOT TO STOP THIS, YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO JAIL, AND I'M TELLING YOU, NEXT TIME I AM NOT GOING TO STOP YOU.

UNCLE PHIL: OKAY, OKAY. YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU CAN'T FIGHT CITY HALL.

GARY: EXACTLY. (Phil turns to walk down the stairs. Gary is a step or two behind him. Chuck joins them.)

UNCLE PHIL: YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT GUY, HE'S REALLY DOING THE BEST HE CAN. (Spins and starts up the stairs again. Gary stops him with Chuck right behind him.) HEY, LET GO.

GARY: NOT 'TIL YOU PROMISE

UNCLE PHIL: OKAY, I PROMISE. I PROMISE.

GARY: HERE. THE KILLING STOPS HERE.

UNCLE PHIL: AN AUTOGRAPH ON A USELESS PIECE OF PAPER. (Folds his autographed paper and sticks it in Gary's pocket and walks away as Gary and Chuck watch.

GARY: (turns to Chuck) Do you think he means that?

CHUCK: Absolutely. Now let's go.

GARY: Where?

CHUCK: to buy a lottery ticket.

GARY: OK, go ahead. I'm gonna go home. (Points in general direction of the Blackstone and walks away.)

Scene: Lobby of City Hall. Flanagan approaches Becker from behind and to her left.

WOMAN: AND NOW TO RECAP, THE MAYOR'S MET-PIK LOTTERY FAILED ONCE MORE TONIGHT TO PRODUCE A WINNER.

FLANAGAN: MISS BECKER?

MISS BECKER: MM-HMM? (Turns toward him without getting up.)

FLANAGAN: I ACCIDENTALLY LEFT SOME OF MY PAPERS IN THE MAYOR'S OFFICE AND I SEEM TO BE MISSING A PARTICULAR DOCUMENT. HAVE YOU SEEN IT? (Taps the desk with his right hand.)

MISS BECKER: NO. WAS IT IMPORTANT? (Has turned back to fixing her lipstick.

FLANAGAN: PROBABLY NOT.

Scene: Bar. Probably McGinty's. Chuck looking at the TV. The mayor is on the tube.

WOMAN: IT BRINGS TO SEVEN THE NUMBER OF DRAWINGS WITHOUT A WINNING MATCH...

CHUCK: HERE YOU GO, CHOO-CHOO. MOP 'EM UP WITH THESE. (Lays his losing lottery tickets on the bar in front of the bartender who is wiping up the bar. Marissa sits next to him.)

BARTENDER: NO, THANKS. I GOT PLENTY OF MY OWN. I'M STARTING TO GET A MIGRAINE.

MARISSA: DON'T TAKE IT SO PERSONALLY, CHUCK. NO ONE ELSE WON EITHER.

CHUCK: NO ONE ELSE ISN'T ME. LOOK AROUND YOU. PEOPLE ARE GETTING ALL STRESSED OUT. (Looks around the bar.)

CHUCK: WE'D BE DOING THIS TOWN A FAVOR BY WINNING THE DAMN THING.

MARISSA: SO NOW IT'S YOUR CIVIC DUTY?

CHUCK: EXACTLY. (Takes a swig of his drink. Then puts the glass down.)

MARISSA: AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST BEING SELFISH. COME ON, TAKE YOUR MIND OFF OF IT. TELL ME, UM, ABOUT YOUR UNCLE. IS IT FROM YOUR MOTHER'S SIDE OR YOUR FATHER'S SIDE?

CHUCK: BOTH.

MARISSA: THAT'S INTERESTING.

(Close up of Chuck & Marissa)

CHUCK: MY FAMILY'S A MELTING POT. NAME A COUNTRY, AND WE HAVE A RELATIVE IN IT -- EVEN PERU. DON'T ASK. THEY'RE ALL CRAZY, AND UNCLE PHIL, HE'S THE WORST.

MARISSA: YOU'RE EXAGGERATING.

(Chuck & Marissa look toward each other as they speak.

CHUCK: YOU THINK SO?

MARISSA: YEAH.

CHUCK: IT'S NOT HE FIRST TIME HE PULLED A STUNT LIKE THIS. REMEMBER 10 YEARS AGO WHEN REAGAN CAME TO TOWN, AND SOME MANIAC SAT NAKED ON TOP OF A FLAGPOLE TO PROTEST TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS?

MARISSA: YOUR UNCLE PHIL? (Laughing)

CHUCK: IN THE BUFF. WASN'T PRETTY. THEY HAD TO REROUTE THE ENTIRE PARADE. IT'S NO WONDER I TURNED OUT LIKE THIS.

MARISSA: YOU MEAN A CYNIC?

CHUCK: I MEAN BROKE... WITH MILLIONS OF DOLLARS RIGHT AT MY FINGERTIPS, JUST OUT OF REACH. (Holds losing lottery tickets in front of him.)SEVEN IN A ROW. WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT? (Throws losing tickets over his left shoulder as Marissa sits there.)

Scene: Gary's room at the Blackstone. He has just entered and has the television on. Takes Phil's paper out of his pocket. Walks over and sits on the edge of his bed. Scratches head and reclines on the bed.)

MAN: BREAKING A RECORD ONCE AGAIN, FOR THE SEVENTH TIME, NO ONE PICKED THE MATCHING NUMBERS IN THE MAYOR'S MET-PIK LOTTERY. A SPOKESMAN FOR THE MAYOR'S OFFICE...

MAN: LEAVING CHICAGOANS TO PONDER THEIR FORTUNES. ONCE AGAIN, THE NUMBERS NO ONE HAD WERE 10,13,26,29,39, AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...44 ELSEWHERE IN THE NEWS...

(Close up of the paper Gary took out of his pocket. Numbers just announced are written on the other side.)

[CAT MEOWS]

Scene: Time lapse night to day. Gary's room at the Blackstone. Close up of clock radio shows time to be 7AM. The El is heard going by. Gary is asleep on his stomach with his head turned toward the clock radio.)

[NEWSPAPER THUDS]

[CAT MEOWS] [CAT MEOWS]

(Groggy Gary sits up and rubs his eyes and face with his right hand. Goes to get paper. Opens door. Cat runs in. Gary picks up the paper and flips through it.)

GARY: OH, NO. NOT AGAIN. (Headline in paper Thief Swipes Mayor's Dog grabs his attention.) OH, THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

CONTINUE TO PART 2


Many thanks to Janet for sharing her fanscription of "Thief Swipes Mayor's Dog" – Thank you!


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