And Then There's Joan...

Fanscript

002: Sex Talk

002: Sex Talk
Written by: Gwen Macsai
Directed by: Michael Lembeck

[JOAN'S APARTMENT. JOAN IS COOKING STEW. RUBY, BETSY, ALICE ARE THERE]

Ruby: You are a great cook. This is just beyond me. You know, I have a gas stove, and I've never even received a gas bill.

Joan: You have your own thing. You're a psychiatrist. You take deeply troubled people and turn them into whole human beings. It's not my stew, but it's something.

Betsy: Mmm, I better not eat any more of this or I'll set off that pig scale Mark gave me.

Alice: Pig scale?

Betsy: He likes me to stay at 115. Just to remind me, he gave me a scale that, when you step on it, it goes... [Snorts].

Ruby: Would Mark do couples therapy?

Betsy: Yeah, he said he would if I went alone. Because we're both teachers, he won't publicly acknowledge that we're seeing each other, even though we've been caring lovers for four years.

Alice: Why do you stay with him?

Betsy: Because I- I feel I'm special that I'm the only one that can see his good side. And he's amazing in bed -- just grinds me like espresso.

Joan: Aah! Aah!

Betsy: Joan is very modest about sex.

Joan: I'm not a child. I can speak for myself. I'm very modest about sex.

Betsy: I'm sorry. The chemistry is one of the reasons why I can't leave him. Joanie, you understand this. Is Jake the best sex you've ever had in your life?

Joan: I don't -- I don't like to talk about stuff like that. You'll just have to tell from the expression on my face.

[JOAN MAKES A HAPPY FACE]

Joan: And I'm sure if he were here, his expression would mirror my own, thank you.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Joan: Hello?

Mark: Hey, Joan, it's Mark. Are you there?

Joan: Yes, which is why I answered the intercom and used my own voice.

Mark: Uh, maybe I'll come up.

Betsy: Please don't tell him we've been talking about him. No comments about the...

Ruby: My God, Betsy.

Betsy: Well, why don't you talk him into therapy?

Ruby: Honey, you have to start by asking for help. You can't just push it on him. If you could, I would've cured Jerry Reinsdorf years ago.

[MARK ENTERS]

Mark: Hey, Joan.

Joan: Hey, Mark.

Mark: Hey.

Joan: What are you doing here?

Mark: Um, I'm selling candy bars for a YMCA fund-raiser. Oh, hi, Alice, Ruby. Miss Morgan, what are you doing here?

Joan: Will you stop it? We all know.

Mark: All right, I don't know what you're talking about. I am just trying to get some gym shorts for young male Christians. I'm out of here. I will see you ladies later. [to Betsy] Easy on the stew.

Ruby: Oh, God. Mark, just a second, just a second. Uh, Betsy needs to stay and take care of a couple of things, but I could use a lift.

Mark: Oh.

Betsy: Hey, don't look him in the eye. He'll melt you.

[JOAN'S APARTMENT, LATER. JOAN IS LIGHTING
CANDLES FOR A ROMANTIC EVENING]

[SHE SNIFFS ONE OF THE CANDLES]

Joan: Ooh, Vanilla. Ooh...

[SHE GETS TOO CLOSE!]

Joan: Burnt flesh! Burnt flesh!

[JAKE ENTERS]

Jake: Hey, Joan. Oh, I am famished.

[JAKE INHALES]

Jake: What smells so good?

Joan: I wouldn't know.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Joan: Hello?

Ruby: Joan, it's Ruby.

Joan: How'd it go with Mark?

Ruby: Oh, my God, I'm still with him. Slug me the next time I get cocky, okay? This guy is like flypaper. I thought we were really making progress when he told me we had to make a quick stop. Next thing I know, I'm at his parents' house for dinner and he introduces me as his lady.

Joan: Ruby!

Ruby: Oh, my God, I think they're coming for me. Joan, I have to go.

Jake: I'm not interested. I-I got a double feature.

Joan: Two movies?

Jake: Yep.

Joan: That's what you want to do all night?

Jake: This and eat. [pause] What?

Joan: Nothing. Nothing.

[JOAN TAKES THE COOKING SPOON AND STARTS SLAPPING OUT
ALL OF THE CANDLES. JAKE GETS THE HINT, QUICKLY PUTS
ON SOME MUSIC, AND MAKES AN ATTEMPT TO START
OVER AND SAY THE RIGHT THING.]

Jake: Whoa, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Honey, I'm home!

Joan: Oh. Nice save.

Jake: Ahh. You were right and I was wrong, and to make it up to you, anything that I can do for you tonight...

Joan: Ooh. All right. let's see. You know what we should do?

Jake: What?

[JOAN TURNS THE MUSIC OFF]

Joan: Let's discuss every difficult subject a couple can discuss and get it out of the way in one night and then have the perfect relationship.

Jake: Ha ha ha! [Refers to the movies] Those are due back tomorrow.

Joan: Oh, oh, come on. It'll be fun. I'm talking easy basics. Okay, religion.

Jake: Oh, religion -- that's an easy topic.

Joan: Yeah. No, I'm serious. Let's see how we stand on all the issues of the day. All right, I'll start. Let's see, I-I don't know if I've talked about this before with a date -- boyfriend -- most excellent human on the planet. Um, I would say that I'm not one of those "my religion is better than your religion, so there" type of people, but I would say that I'm a spiritual person. I believe in a certain mysterious order to the world that I just don't understand, and I think that mysterious order is, you know, so far greater than me, I'm just like a little quark in comparison. Why am I beating around the bush? I believe in God and an afterlife. Yes, that is what I would want to give my child.

[JOAN BEGINS CRYING]

Joan: To let him... or her... or them... know that... there is something bigger, and that makes us bigger, not smaller, because it means that we're teaching our brood that goodness has weight and it lives within. Okay. What are your feelings about religion?

Jake: I believe in God, I go to church twice a year, and I write a check whenever they ask.

Joan: Okay, we're both unburdened.

Jake: Well. Well, good bread, good meat, good God, let's eat.

Joan: Well, next is just, you know, a little thing that the girls were talking about. I-I think I made a note of it. Oh, here. Here it is. Um... yeah. Uh, sex.

Jake: You needed a note to remember sex?

Joan: Well, just -- just this-- this question. There's no wrong answer. Um, "do you..." um... "think that people should get married if the sex they have with the person they're marrying is not the best sex they've ever had in their lives?"

Jake: Yes.

Joan: Yes, what?

Jake: Hmm? Yes, I think one can marry someone with whom one is not having the best sex of his life.

Joan: You charlatan!

Jake: What? No, no, it's a compliment. I-I just think that the person that you're most compatible with for a lifetime, well, it's rarely the person that you're best suited for sexually.

Joan: [Sarcastically] I feel better already. Is that why you got two movies?

Jake: What?

Joan: You know, two movies so you can sit side by side, staring straight ahead for four hours killing time so you don't have to go to bed with me?

Jake: Joan, let me tell you something. Look, I love you. I adore you. I love your shyness, I-I love your modesty, I-I love your cuddlesomeness.

Joan: C-Cuddlesomeness? You had to make up a cutesy word to describe me sexually. So, who was she, this girl that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with who was the best sex you ever had? Was she -- just a guess here...

Jake: Ohh.

Joan: The shapely girl in the picture wearing the striped tube top that made her "not made by God" chest look even bigger? You tried to hide it by placing it under the picture of your softball team in the pewter frame in the back of your closet. I was looking for a blanket.

Jake: Mmm.

Joan: Don't withdraw!

Jake: I'm mad!

Joan: Okay, withdraw.

Jake: Look, Joan, let me give you a tip -- talking about things, you know, it doesn't always make them better, and if you get that -- and I don't see how you can miss that one -- then tonight was very productive.

[JAKE GRABS HIS COAT AND HEADS OUT THE DOOR]

Joan: Jake, don't go.

[JAKE STOPS]

Joan: It's so great that you stopped like that, and you don't make me do, "Jake, don't go! Please wait! Jake! Jake! I'll die if you go!" You know, let's just-- let's just forget dinner and just go into the other room, and the sounds you'll hear will not be your stomach growling.

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[OUTSIDE OF RUBY'S APARTMENT.
RUBY IS RUSHING TO HER DOOR BEFORE MARK CAN CATCH HER]

Ruby: Good night! Don't follow me! Thank God this night is over!

Mark: Ruby!

Ruby: No, no. No more talk. All done. Bye-bye. All done. No more talk.

Mark: Ruby, you dropped your purse.

Ruby: Keep it. My keys are in there, right?

Mark: Uh, yes.

Ruby: Stay there. I'll come down to you.

[RUBY COMES DOWN TO RETRIEVE PURSE.]

Ruby: Thank you, Mark.

[MARK IS HOLDING ONTO PURSE AS SHE TRIES TO GO BACK UP STAIRS]

Ruby: What the hell is it?

Mark: Tonight it was very clear to me that when you got in my Geo under the pretense of talking about Betsy, that it was just nothing but a big come-on to me. No, wait. Don't be ashamed.

Ruby: Oh, my God. I am so incredibly sorry for you, Mark.

Mark: Well, I-I have feelings for you to, Ruby.

Ruby: Okay, look, look, I'm going to recommend a couple of good therapists.

Mark: Well, but -- but you're a good therapist.

Ruby: Not that good. And I said "therapists." You'll probably need a squadron.

Mark: Oh, come one. Enough of this charade. Games, games, games -- you tough shells with those gooey interiors.

Ruby: If you don't stop, I'm going to puke gooey interior.

Mark: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hard as nails. Look, let me say what needs saying here--

[MARK TAKES A STEP TOWARDS RUBY]

Ruby: Space!

Mark: Ruby... something happened here tonight. I-I feel that we have an almost telepathic relationship.

Ruby: No...

Mark and Ruby: We don't.

Mark: See? I can read your mind, and you're thinking, "I'm attracted to him, but I'm scared, and I don't want to tell him that I'm attracted to him, and I don't' want to tell him I'm scared for fear that he will see my vulnerabilities."

Ruby: I'm thinking, "Why am I stifling the scream in my throat when it could very possibly bring help?" Okay, here's my card.

[JOAN'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM. JOAN FLIPS ON THE LIGHT NEXT TO BED]

Joan: Huh? Huh? Huh?

[JAKE LEANS OVER AND KISSES HER]

Jake: I love you.

Joan: I love you? What girl wants to hear that after making love?

[JOAN FLIPS THE LIGHT BACK OFF AND GETS OUT OF BED]

Jake: What are you doing?

Joan: What's the matter? I'm not wild enough?

[JOAN TURNS LIGHT BACK ON. SHE IS NOW WEARING PAJAMAS]

Jake: What are you talking about?

Joan: I want to know. The time it was so great, was it chemistry or was it her?

Jake: You know, I-I just know whatever I say, it's going to be the wrong answer.

Joan: When you're in love, there are no wrong answers.

Jake: Well, I-I don't think it was the chemistry.

Joan: Wrong answer!

Jake: [Chuckles] Joanie, look, she was just someone I went to college with. She was a dancer/anthropologist. You know how they are. It's not important. Come one. Come one. Look, listen to me. You are the sweetest, kindest, the funniest, most warm-hearted, gentle person that I know, to say nothing of the most entertaining, and I would do anything for you.

Joan: Except be smart enough to lie.

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[TEACHERS' LOUNGE. JOAN AND ALICE TALKING]

Alice: You actually asked a man whose honesty you brag about if you're the best sexual partner he's ever had? Oh, it's a death wish.

Joan: It must be terrible for him, just relaxing at home, and all he does is bring home a couple of tapes and then I... For what? For what? God, my mother was right. There's no problem too great that if you throw enough dirt on it, it can't get buried forever.

Alice: Well, my parents told me that anything you want, you can get through hard work and study, and you're looking at someone who's certified to teach sex education.

Joan: Please, no.

Alice: Yes. Now, you are allowed to be shy, but you are not allowed to be stupid. You know, I swear to God, there are so many adults who don't know the basics of what their kids are learning today.

[ALICE BEGINS TO DRAW]

Joan: Don't, don't. Don't draw.

Alice: Just the basic female anatomy. You need to know yourself, and then just so the secret doesn't die with you, tell him about it.

Joan: It looks like Florida.

Alice: Okay, let's say it's Florida.

Joan: So I should spend time in Miami Beach?

Alice: A lot of women think so, but I say Jacksonville is where you want to start, with the occasional side trips to Pensacola... just as long as you end up in Orlando.

Joan: Orlando?

Alice: Baby, that's the magic kingdom.

[JOAN GRABS THE DRAWING AND GETS UP TO LEAVE]

Alice: Where are you going?

Joan: I'm going to Disney World.

[JOAN'S APARTMENT. WITH JAKE]

Joan: I was talking to a friend about our boudoir situation.

Jake: Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

Joan: No, I think parliamentary rules state that when anyone says, "Oh, no," they get to finish.

Jake: It's just that -- look, Joan -- look, how can I convince you this is not a big deal? I'm really sure that the further we talk about this, it's only going to cause harm. I love you, I adore you, and "The Civil War" is on PBS. Can we take a break now?

Joan: Okay, you may be right. God knows it's easier.

Jake: And you know what? I'd like to thank you for a wonderful dinner. Here's a beer, and let's cuddle up, huh, and let the golden years begin.

TV Man: On April 8th, Grant surrounded Lee's army and captured their supplies. Lee and his army were forced...

Joan: But before we do, let's look at this from my side of it on the off chance I might make it fun.

["BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" PLAYING,
LOUDLY, MAKING JOAN SOUND PATRIOTIC.]

Joan: I know every person has a fantasy, and how can I not want to be that fantasy for you? It's not ridiculous. It's a gift that I think I could bring to our relationship for two days now-- for God's sake!

[JOAN TURNS OFF TV]

Joan: For two days now, I've been willing to go into things that embarrass me, talk about stuff that I hate talking about, stuff that makes me go, "wocka, wocka, wocka!" All because I want us to be that good. So don't treat me like Lucy Ricardo, the zany housewife. I mean, don't pat me on the head and think it's ridiculous that I want to stray away from some notion you have of me as the girl you snack on the couch with as a substitute for passion! The best I have to give is that I want everything for us, so, please, help me be hot. And I'll help you.

Jake: Me? Meaning?

Joan: You're sexy when you're vulnerable.

Jake: You're sexy when you breathe.

Joan: Ooh.

Jake: Of course, I-I don't know what I'm going to do because this means I'm going to have to take you more serious, and I already take you way too serious.

Joan: Well, I don't know what I'm going to do. You should see my female anatomy homework.

Jake: What does that mean?

Joan: No, nothing. No. No.

Jake: Come on, I-I really want to know.

Joan: Okay, I'll be brave.

[AN EMBARRASSED JOAN STANDS FACING THE WALL]

Joan: You know, Jake, there is a spot of ultimate female satisfaction that some call the magic kingdom... that the book says should be... self-explored.

Jake: And so, did you self-explore?

[JOAN LOOKS SHOCKED]

Jake: Well, no. no. You're the one that wanted to communicate. Come on. So-- so did you?

[JOAN STOMPS HER FOOT TWICE]

Jake: Is twice a yes?

[JOAN STOMPS HER FOOT TWICE AGAIN]

Jake: So how was it?

[AN EMBARRASSED JOAN RUSHES TO TURN THE TV BACK ON]

Joan: Let's see how this ends.

["BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" PLAYING]

Jake: See? That's my point! These things are better left unsaid.

Joan: I'll tell you how it was. I had such a moving experience that the intimacy was too much for me and I didn't call myself for two weeks.

Jake: C'mere.

[JOAN AND JAKE HUG]

Jake: Now, see, the dancer/anthropologist was not funny.

[THE END]

-- captions by vitac --

www.Vitac.Com captions paid for by abc, inc. And columbia tristar television distribution

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