And Then There's Joan...

Fanscript

003: The Proposal

003: The Proposal
Teleply by: David Richardson
Story by: Robin Epstein and David Richardson
Directed by: Lee Shallat-Chemel

[JOAN'S APARTMENT. JOAN, BETSY, RUBY, ALICE.
THE GIRLS ARE CELEBRATING RUBY'S BOOK DEAL.]

Joan: To... the... author!

All: Whoo!

Ruby: Thank you. thank you. Oh, guys, I don't mean to sound immodest, but they're publishing my book! they are publishing myyyyyy booooook!!!! [last two words sung loudly] Thank you very much.

Joan: I can't wait to go into the store and say, "Excuse me. Can you tell me where I might find Dr. Ruby Stern's book, 'Solid Food for Thought -- A Midwestern Guide to Mental Health'?" "Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. We sold all 500 copies before lunch. Can I interest you in a Yanni calendar?"

Ruby: I mean, who would've thought that I was so opinionated I could actually fill a book?

[ ALL THE GIRLS LAUGH ]

Ruby: Okay, shut up. Look, look, this is wild, guys. Listen to this. my editor from New York tells me that they're sending a publicist out here on Friday.

Joan: I'll have a midwestern dinner for you and your publicist on Friday night while you guys strategize.

Betsy: Okay, wait, I would like to make a toast. To me...

All: Yay!

Betsy: ...and my impending marriage to Mark. Cheers.

Alice: Man-chicken asked you to marry him?

Betsy: No, I think I'm going to ask him.

Ruby: Oh, no, Betsy, do not travel down this road.

Joan: Bad road. Bumpy road. Scary road. If someone in a movie were walking down this road, the whole audience would scream, "No, stupid! You're going to die!"

[THE GIRLS START TO DISCUSS - ALL AT THE
SAME TIME - WHY BETSY SHOULDN'T DO IT.
JAKE ENTERS, WEARING SHORTS.]

Jake: Hello, ladies.

All: Hi, Jake.

Joan: Hey. Hey, nice gams, big boy. You wear those little shorts just for me, did ya?

Jake: You see the sexist crap I have to put up with around here? Wine and cheese, huh? So, what are we gabbing about today, girls?

Alice: Books, marriage.

Jake: Marriage?

Betsy: Mark and me.

Jake: Oh.

Ruby: See? Even an innocent bystander think this is an idiotic idea.

Jake: I didn't say it was an idiotic idea. Hell, I think it could be a great idea.

Betsy: I love you, Jake Evans.

Jake: Of course, I mean, he's not my favorite guy in the world, but the thing is, who are we to say that Betsy doesn't have the right to be with Mark?

Alice: I've never said this in my life, but God would want us to stop this from happening.

Betsy: Alice, I know he loves me. I do. He is just afraid, and I don't know what to do.

Jake: Oh, I know what you should do.

Betsy: What?

Jake: Maybe you should put your emotions on the shelf and try taking this from a business point of view.

Betsy: Okay! How do I do that?

Jake: All right, I'm going to give you a quick lesson in the art of negotiation. [to Joan] Of course, now I can't use this move to land you, though.

Joan: Well, you know with me, a move wouldn't work.

Jake: That's my move -- no move.

Joan: Well, I wouldn't say no move. [She kisses Jake]

Betsy: Okay, would you guys stop it? Talk, Jake.

Jake: Oh, yeah, okay, look. Excuse me, Ruby. I'm going to give you a business model for what's going on.

Betsy: What's going on?

Joan: He always gets me when he does this, even when I disagree with him. Watch the zone he's about to go into. I once saw him do a seminar on the Deutschemark, and he was so inspiring that at the end, three Germans held up lighters.

Jake: Listen closely. When there's a suitor for a company, the merger talks, they can go on for years, because there's one key flaw that neither party wants to recognize.

Betsy: What's the flaw?

Ruby: Mark.

Jake: And you're company can't grow. it's stuck because you're so focused on acquiring the other company.

Betsy: What other company?

Joan: Mark.

Jake: The other company won't have you because it feels if a merger takes place, it'll lose its ability to control its own destiny. But if you're strong, and this is where it gets really interesting -- water, please. Thanks. You see, getting what you want, Betsy, it's all about leverage. Step one -- give them a little taste of what they're yearning for. And once they start to salivate, you pull away. Never let them know how much you want them.

Betsy: That's going to be very hard.

Jake: It is hard. The timing and the atmosphere have to be perfect, and when your target is at its most vulnerable, that is when you strike. You go in and you make your best offer with everything you have and leave nothing in reserve. And you put a clock on it, because a short clock means pressure, and know that deep inside, they have wanted this all along. But understand this -- if you make this proposal with the weight and passion which is required and yet you fail, you must be willing to walk away.

Betsy: How will I know when the time is right?

Jake: You'll know the moment. You'll know the moment like a deer knows the moment when a hunter in the forest steps on a twig -- snap! Right before he gets it between the eyes. Now, if you'll excuse me, ladies, I need to take a shower.

Joan: Me, too.

[JOAN'S CLASSROOM. CLASS HAS JUST ENDED.]

Joan: Great job, guys. Great job, great job, great job. Hey, nice nose ring. Ooh, you found your retainer. See you tomorrow.

John: So, why did you want me to stay after class?

Joan: Well, I just wanted to say nice job on the quiz -- 100%. Way to go. High five.

John: Thanks.

Joan: Come on, John, it's a beautiful day. The birds are singing. You're a healthy young man who came to school this morning with high hopes and his little lap-top computer, and you got an "A." Come on, you got to savor these little moments in life. You've seen the coffee commercials. Do you want me to sing it to you?

John: No, it's okay. Can I go now?

Joan: No. Celebrate. You worked hard, and I worked hard making you work hard. Well, why am I sitting back here? This isn a confrontation. What's the matter? You don't feel well?

John: No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Joan: See, we're both just passengers on the train of life, and I'm just looking for a little human connection on the way home. this is nice, isn't it?

John: Yeah, it's nice. can I go now?

Joan: Sure. Live long and prosper. Hey, hey, you always give me the Vulcan salute. Why no Vulcan salute today?

[JOHN QUICKLY GIVES THE SALUTE]

Joan: Can you do that again?

[JOAN SEES WRITING ON JOHN'S FINGERS]

Joan: "A, C, D, False." These are the answers to the quiz.

John: No, no, no. It's just a reminder to buy a cd by the rapper False-a.

Joan: What's "none of the above," a new goth band from Cleveland?

John: Okay, I cheated. It's not just me. Everyone cheated.

Joan: What do you mean everyone cheated?

John: I got the answers and I gave them to everyone in the class.

Joan: I don't get it. This isn't like you. You're not this kind of kid. What do you mean?

John: My dad wants me to go to Michigan because he went to Michigan, but I don't have the grades to get into Michigan, so blame my dad and Michigan.

Joan: Okay, a really stupid reason. So why did you give them to everyone else?

John: Because I want to have some friends in Michigan?

Joan: I can't believe you did this. I can't believe YOU did this. I can't think straight. Lock up when you're done going through my desk.

[COMMERCIALS FOR: CLARITIN; MAZDA TRIBUTE - THE SUV WITH THE HEART OF A SPORTS CARS; WELCHES WHITE GRAPE JUICE; TARGET; PROMOS FOR "D-DAY" -- DAMON, DREW, DENIS. PROMO FOR MEGA-MILLIONAIRE.]

[TEACHER'S LOUNGE]

Joan: Why would they cheat on me? I was always the cool teacher, the hip teacher, like Karen Valentine or Mr. Kotter or the White Shadow.

Alice: Well, you can still be the white shadow, whoever he hell that is.

Ben: The white shadow was the greatest man to ever live.

Joan: 7th period Shakespeare was my favorite class.

Alice: You are a teacher. I cannot believe you're taking this so personally.

Joan: What is this with nobody taking anything personal anymore? Jeez, it's going to kill me to punish them. I don't even know what the punishment is.

Ben: First offense -- three days' suspension and it goes on their permanent record. Now, I psonally enjoy the "entire class" 3-day suspension. Teacher doesn't even have to show up. I like to think of it as a long weekend of nickle slots at the Ho-Chunk Indian Reservation.

Joan: What do you mean it goes on their permanent record? Goodbye, Northwestern? Hello, University of Nevada, Las Vegas?

Ben: I spent seven of the most reflective years of my life at UNLV. Four basketball players take a hot tub with a few mafioso and the whole school gets smeared.

[BOB LEAVES AS BETSY AND MARK ENTER.]

Betsy: Oh, hey, Bob. [quietly to Joan:] Jake's plan is working.

Mark: Bob, Joan. hey. Thank you for lunch. You look so great today. Kind of a turn-on.

Betsy: Yes, you've mentioned that in the past. Oh, and please don't worry about tomorrow night. If you want to go to Ruby's book thing, great. If not, I understand.

Mark: Well, don't you at least want to hear the excuse I was going to give? It's a good one.

Betsy: Whatever. Joanie, tell Jake I said thanks for the advice.

Joan: Yeah.

[BETSY LEAVES]

Mark: Jake? Okay, what does Jake got to do with this?

Joan: Just leave me alone.

Mark: No, you got to tell me because I'm upset.

Joan: Well, did it ever occur to you you're not the only person in the world with problems? I mean, look at me. did you ever think to ask what I upset about?

Mark: No, I don't have to ask what's bothering you. You're upset because you're worried about me.

[JOAN BOPS MARK ON THE FOREHEAD WITH HER BOX OF TISSUES AND LEAVES]

[JAKE'S OFFICE. MARK ENTERS]

Mark: Hey, you knucklehead. you busy?

Jake: Mark.

Mark: Yeah.

Jake: What are you doing here?

Mark: Well, you know, I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd just kind of pop in on my old buddy.

Jake: I'm your old buddy?

Mark: Yeah. Hey, can I come in?

Jake: Ha ha ha. You kind of already are.

Mark: Wow.

Jake: That's my Sammy Sosa ball.

Mark: Joan never told me you had such a great office before.

Jake: It's because Joan's never been down here. She knows I work here. She's never had a big enough reason to come down here, but here YOU are.

Mark: Huh. It is pretty amazing, huh? Ha ha ha. Mmm, there's something going on. I can sense it. There's some secret. It's just that, you know, Betsy, lately, she's miss, uh, "Well, you go do your thing and I'll go do my thing." That is not like her. Something is wrong. It's very quiet out there in the brush. You get used to the gunfire. It's the waiting that kills us, dude.

Jake: Well, you know, I really don't know what the problem is. I mean, you -- you've found a great woman who, for some reason, she loves you and, uh, why don't you just try to...enjoy her?

Mark: Well, I do enjoy her, but, I mean, what if there's somebody twice as enjoyable right around the corner? I mean, do you ever feel that way?

Jake: No, I found a great girl that I want to commit to.

Mark: Well, do you ever wake up in the middle of the night --

Jake: No.

Mark: Do you ever find that --

Jake: No.

Mark: Do you --

Jake: Nope.

Mark: Do --

Jake: No.

[JOAN'S APARTMENT. THE DINNER FOR RUBY'S PUBLICIST.]

Joan: I'm sorry I've been such bad company. I've got to face those kids that cheated on monday. I'm just not sure how to handle it.

Ruby: I'll tell you what you're going to do. you are going to walk in there knowing that you are the greatest teacher they have ever had, and then you're just going to go about your business.

Publicist Brad: Straight from the hip -- I love it. You are a publicist's dream. You, Dr. Ruby Stern, deal with probms in a head-on, common-sense, everyday way. Uh, uh, uh, uh, oh. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm blurbing. She delivers advice in a head-on, righteous, everyday way.

[MARK ENTERS]

Mark: Hi.

Joan: Hey, Mark.

Mark: Hey, Joan, Jake. Betsy, um... why haven't you been returning my phone calls?

Betsy: Oh, I was going to do that tomorrow.

Mark: Look, uh, yeah, I was just trying to give you a call to let you know that I was going to be coming to the party tonight.

Betsy: Oh, my bad.

Mark: I-I wanted us to spend the evening together. You know, it seems to me you haven't been paying a lot of attention to me lately.

Betsy: Oh, I-I hadn't noticed.

Mark: I can't figure you out. you're driving me crazy.

[JAKE TAKES A BREADSTICK AND SNAPS IT IN HALF]

Betsy: Mark, may I see you in the bedroom?

Mark: Oh, oh, thank God.

Joan: What is going on?

Jake: She's going to close the deal.

[COMMERCIALS FOR: PILLSBURY COOKIE-SHAPED DOUGH (HOW LAZY IS THAT?); MIRIMAX MOVIE: BRIDGET JOANS'S DIARY; K-MART BLUE LIGHT SPECIALS (HOORAY! THE BLUE LIGHT IS BACK!!); PANTENE PRO-V COLLECTION OF HAIR GOO; PROMOS FOR NYPD BLUE.]

[JOAN'S APARTMENT -- THE BEDROOM. BETSY AND MARK.]

Mark: You know, I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I'm almost ready to entertain exclusivity.

Betsy: Mark, I want you to marry me.

Mark: You take that back.

Betsy: No. I am just going to give you some very good reasons. I love you with my entire being. I am the only one who knows what you need, who holds you when you get scared and the world is too much, who finds you funny, who understands you. You could spend the rest of your life with me, wake up with me every day, eat with me, have children with me, be cared for by me, be wept over by me when you are dead and gone. At this moment, you are like an astronaut on a space walk, and marriage is the tether that will hold you to the mother ship where it is safe and warm and you can touch my breasts any time you want. [ gasps ] But in 10 seconds, that shuttle door will close and the tether will be forever severed and you will be lost in space, perhaps for eternity. [ gasps ] The door is closing. Goodbye, Mark. 10, 9 -- a wisp, a memory. 7 -- gone. No one to call tonight. 2, 1...

Mark: Oh, marry me, Betsy! Oh, please, please, please! Oh, please! For the love of God, please!

[MARK FALLS TO THE FLOOR, PLEADING. THE DOOR HITS HIM AS BETSY RUSHES OUT OF THE ROOM.]

Mark: Ow.

Betsy: Hey gang, I'm engaged!

[JOAN'S CLASSROOM. SHE WRITES "BETRAYAL" ON THE CHALKBOARD.]

Joan: So... Hamlet was betrayed by who? Anybody? John?

John: His mother and his uncle?

Joan: Very good. Very good. Anybody else?

Alice: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Joan: His friends, that's right, and let's not forget his girlfriend Ophelia. Yeah. Hamlet was pretty much betrayed by everyone he knew and thought he could trust. Something's rotten in the state of Denmark! Imagine how Hamlet must have felt. I mean, put yourself in his tights -- all that betrayal. I mean, it must have felt like a dagger ripping through his heart, turning and twisting and ripping and bleeding. [pause] I know you got the answers to the quiz behind my back. You cheated on me, and it hurts like hell... and I'll have to say I didn't see it coming. I mean, you know, we've been together since September, and... I thought we meant more to each other than this. All right, I'll admit it. At first, I was angry. I wanted to go through the yearbook and cut you out of all the pictures of us together, and then I was hurt. I reread all the poems you wrote for me and tried to stop myself from calling you just to hear your voice. Look at me. I'm still using metaphor, which you should know because you all got the question on Shakespeare's use of metaphor correct on the quiz! The rules say I'm supposed to suspend you, but I can't bring myself to do it. So now you know this about me. You know you have a person whom you can cheat on and you can get away with it.

[EVERYONE STARTS CRYING]

Joan: It makes me feel bad about myself. It makes me wonder whether I'm strong enough to do this job anymore. You know, it always boils down to this -- you didn't love me like I love you.

John: We love you.

Joan: Well, I love you, too. I do, and I'm willing -- I'm willing to accept that everyone makes one mistake. So let's let this be your one mistake, and please don't let it be my mistake that I gave you a second chance.

Girl: We won't.

[JOAN LEAVES]

Alice: You see? This is why we suspend you for three days... because this forgiveness thing is too damn hard.

[COMMERCIALS FOR: THREE-STONE ANNIVERSARY RING FROM ADIAMONDISFOREVER.COM; MOVIE: JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS; CENTRUM - NOW WITH LUTEIN!; SEARS - A BUNCH OF WOMEN BUYING WAAAAAAY TOO MUCH CLOTHES; TEMPTATIONS CAT TREATS - THAT MAN IS EATING CAT TREATS!!; PROMO FOR "D-DAY" - DAMON, DREW, DENIS.]