And Then There's Joan...

Fanscript

004: Joan Meets the Parents

0004: Joan Meets the Parents
Written by: Gwen Macsai
Directed by: Michael Lembeck

[JOAN, ALICE, RUBY, BETSY AT RESTAURANT
CELEBRATING ALICE'S 25TH BIRTHDAY]

Alice: Oh. Oh. Beautiful chunks of... stuff.

Betsy: They're earrings.

Alice, Ruby, Joan: Oh... Oh... Oh...

Betsy: It was supposed to be a vase, but it broke in the kiln, so...

Alice: Ooh. Timber!

Joan: Okay. Wait a minute.

Alice: Hurry up before my earlobes touch my shoulders.

[JOAN SNAPS A PICTURE]

Joan: There! Oh, great!

Ruby: And this is for you, Miss Alice.

Alice: [reading card] "Your gift from amazon.com did not arrive in time for your birthday."

Ruby: I really screwed up, but you're going to love it when you get it.

Alice: What is it?

Ruby: It's a... gift certificate.

Joan: Now it's time for mine?

Betsy: Oh, my god, Joanie gives the best presents. I don't know what this is, but if it is not the greatest gift you ever got, you can bounce orange off my ass for the rest of the night.

Joan: Okay. Here it comes - the thing you thought you couldn't ask for, the thing you thought I forgot -- say hello to six compartments of monogrammed, whole-grain grade graduate school fantasy, straight from the Levenger's catalog for readers, it's..., the briefcase!

Alice: Oh! Oh, I saw it in a magazine once, and she remembered. Joan!

Joan: Yes! Score! Group photo!

[JOAN SNAPS ANOTHER PHOTO]

Joan: Okay. Oh, great!

Betsy: Oh, Joanie. Joanie, that guy -- that guy looks just like Jake.

Joan: That is Jake.

Betsy: Ooh...He's not alone.

Joan: Well, who are those people he's with?

Ruby: Well, now, since he's your boyfriend and he's seen you in your granny panties, I think you have the right to ask.

Joan: Good point.

[JOAN WALKS OVER TO JAKE'S TABLE]

Howard: ...so I look 'em in the eye and tell them my philosphy of life. You know what my philosophy of life is, don't you?

Jake: Not unless t's changed since the cab ride over.

Howard: Well, we're all out there, standing buck naked in a field of mud, with a carrot in one hand and a gun in the other. We hear a noise...

Joan: Jake? Hi.

Jake: Joan. Joan. Joan. Joan. Uh, Joan, uh, this is Howard and Marie... Evans -- my parents.

Joan: The parents! Wow! It's so nice to meet you.

Marie: Hello.

Jake: Mom, Dad, this -- this is Joan Gallagher.

Joan: That's me. Wow, the parents. Oh... So he came out of you. I mean, your loving home. And, oh, in from Louisville! I love your sluggers.

Jake: It was really nice running into you. Are we still on for that thing next week? Um, I'm really looking forward to that.

Joan: Yeah, um, I'm sorry I can't stay and talk more. I got a birthday party. But it was so nice to meet you.

[JOAN GOES BACK TO HER OWN TABLE]

Marie: Go on, dear.

Howard: Where was I before she interrupted?

Jake: Naked, mud, gun, carrot.

Howard: We're all out there...

[AT JOAN'S TABLE]

Ruby: Everything okay?

Joan: Yeah, fine.

[WAITER ARRIVES WITH A BIRTHDAY CAKE]

Betsy: Oh...

All: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...

[THE GIRLS NOTICE THAT JOAN IS CRYING.
THEY STOP SINGING BUT SHE CONTINUES]

Joan: Happy birthday, dear Alice, happy birthday to you. She's never going to turn 25 again. What are you, made of steel?

[JOAN'S APARTMENT. JOAN IS CLEANING. JAKE ENTERS]

Jake: All right, now, listen -- what are you doing?

Joan: I am cleaning my chimney.

Jake: Listen, Joan, Joan, I - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. My parents -- they came in unexpectedly. I didn't have time to prepare you. Or them.

Joan: What, you have to prepare people to meet me? What's the matter, I'm not presentable?

[JOAN WHIPS OFF HER GOGGLES TO REVEAL HER SOOT-COVERED FACE]

Jake: Look, it's not you. It doesn't have anything to do with you. It's my parents. My parents are the most judgmental people alive. They find fault with me and every choice I make. The only reason I didn't tell you about them is because, well, I was trying to protect you. Now, now, it would be awfully nice If we can just forget about them

Joan: Oh, jake, we can't forget about them. They're your parents. We're us. I love them by association.You just are making a big deal about keeping us apart when it's only going to be pleasant when we finally get together.

Jake: No, no, it's too late for that. They've already found one of their... things about you.

Joan: What do you mean one of their things? I only said, "Hello. Nice to meet you."

Jake: No, no, no. You inadvertently said hello when my father was giving his philosophy of life, which is repeated more times than the "Hail, Mary" in a home for unwed mothers. But the real dagger in his heart was that you physically touched him with emotional warmth, but don't worry, he's not going to press charges.

Joan: Well, what did your mother say about me? By the way, she's gorgeous. I mean, what a wonderful-looking woman. She just has great posture and dresses so beautifully. You get dignity and goodwill just by looking at her. What did she say about me?

Jake: She said you had chapped lips and a lazy eye.

Joan: Oh! [she quickly covers her lips and eye]

Jake: The thing that I don't want to do here is, I don't want to get angry, but you've got to understand my family dynamics -- it's like the Chinese calendar. I mean, we've got the yer of the fight, we've got the year of the resentment, we've got the year of the sulking, we've got the year of the apology. We've got a lot of years in our family. Look, you know what? I got an idea. I got a great idea. Why don't we just hide under the covers until they leave town?

Joan: No. Let's have them over for dinner!

Jake: What?

Joan: Yes, yes! We'll laugh about this misunderstanding. We'll turn the whole thing around. They'll love us. Yeah, and then one day, we'll all go camping and share a cabin, and we'll trace our relationship back to this wonderful dinner what do you think?

Jake: Well... I think this dinner will fail. No, no, no, not just fail. I think this dinner will fail so utterly that it will rob you of your hope forevermore. And on this very night, the light will fade from you eyes, and my parents will successfully cast us apart, and you will end up -- well, you will end up with someone who deserves you less, and I will end up wandering the moors, calling out your name through a fog which never lifts.

Joan: Okay, so we disagree.

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[JOAN'S APARTMENT. BETSY, RUBY ARE HELPING MAKE DINNER]

Betsy: Mmm, Jake's parents are goin to love Grandma Morgan's Famous Apple Crisp. It has charmed generations of in-laws since the family brough the recipe over on the mayflower.

Joan: Aw...

Ruby: And before there was therapy, there was my Aunt Ida's briscuit. It's love in a pot with potatoes and carrots.

Joan: You guys -- you are so sweet, and I just - no, you're -- even though you're blowing this dinner with Jake's parents way out of proportion, thank you anyway for helping me.

Ruby: Just remember to relax. You can't accomplish everything in one night just get to first base -- a little laugh, a smile. If the mother makes a comment like nice soap, you consider that a triumph.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR. JOAN GOES TO ANSWER - ALICE AND MARK ENTER]

Joan: Okay.

Alice: That is the last time I chaperone a field trip with you.

Mark: What? We started out with 18 kids, we came back with 16. That is a great return rate.

Alice: Maybe for a prison break, but not a class trip to the aquarium.

Mark: Those two kids are fine. They're the only 9th graders with a driver's license. They're probably across state lines now. They're Indiana's problem.

Betsy: Hi.

Mark: Hug.

Joan: Now I'm starting to get nervous.

Alice: Oh, you'll be okay. So his parents are mean and judgmental. You just break out that 2-ton photo album of yours, and they will fall in love with you.

Ruby: That's right. Photos say you're solid with family. They will know that you're not going to steal their little boy away.

Mark: [imitates buzzer sound] No. Tangling with mean parents -- you got to bring your "A" game. You can't let a single detail escape your attention.

Alice: Yeah, like the two students that went over the wall at the wide world of penguins.

Mark: Now, what's missing? A buffer -- nobody can act awful if there is an outsider in the mix to keep them on good behavior. And not to toot my own horn, but geezers love me.

Alice: Get real. That's not what she needs. She needs someone to talk her up, to sell her, not someone who's going to sit on his butt and chow down free food.

Mark: Hey, i don't see you bringing anything.

Joan: But she did bring something.

Alice: No, I didn't.

Joan: Yes, you did.

Alice: No, I didn't.

Joan: Yes, you brought the greatest gift that anyone could give.

Alice: I did?

Joan: Yourself. Pull up a chair, buffer!

[LATER. JAKE AND PARENTS ARRIVE]

Alice: Hi.

Jake: Hello.

Alice: Hi.

Marie: Hello.

Alice: I'm Alice. Come on in and have a seat. Joan will be right out. She's still getting dressed.

Marie: Oh, vanity. I don't know why yng women make so much over what they wear. I have no idea what i have on right now. Oh! Lovely.

Jake: Oh, hello, honey. Well, there they are.

Joan: Well, hello, and what -- what would you like me to call you?

Howard: Well, some people call me Mr. Evans, some people call me Howard, some people call me Howie. One of the three I hate. But it's my philosophy never to tell 'em which one.

Joan: Huh. Well, sir...

Alice: Well, you know what? You guys don't know this girl yet, but let me just tell you about Joan. Boy, she in pires me so much -- oh, she's such an inspiration as a teacher. I've learned more from her in the last three months than all my years at Marquette.

Marie: Marquette? You went to Marquette? I went to Marquette. Ring on a Hoya!

Alice: Ring out a hoya, right. But back to Joan. You see, you should see the way she inspires--

Marie: what sorority?

Alice: Kappa Alpha Theta. But that remind me of this funny story about Joan --

Marie: I was a Theta.

Alice: Small world. You see, the way that Joan communicates --

Marie: Why are you talking so much about Joan?

Alice: Because I like to feel the damn air pass through my teeth.

Joan: Alice, Alice... is, um... She's just helping me because I told her that -- that sort of funny story about how we kind of got off on the wrong foot.

Howard: Funny?

Joan: Well, not funny funny, but more...odd.

Howard; So you think what I was saying was odd.

Joan: No, no, I-I just meant that --

[TIMER DINGS]

Joan: Hot hors d'oeuvres! Um, I meant that I apologize for interrupting you the other evening when you were telling your story. I'm sure it was just terrific.

Howard: It wan't a story. It was my philosophy of life.

Marie: It's his gift to people.

Joan: Oh. Well, then, by all means, give your gift, and I promise, I won't interrupt.

Howard: Well, my philosophy of life is simply this -- I don't care what your background is, I don't care how much money you've got in the bank...

[JOAN ACCIDENTALLY GRABS THE HOT PAN WITH HER HAND. SHE'S IN PAIN, BUT DOESN'T WANT TO INTERRUPT HOWARD]

Howard: I don't care who you pray to, it's all the same to me. The bottom line is, we're all out there, buck naked in a field of mud, with a carrot in one hand and a gun in the other. We hear a noise...

Joan: [Gasps as she sticks her hand in the ice bucket.]

Howard: Now, this isn't just rudeness, this broad is messing with me.

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[JOAN'S BEDROOM]

Jake: [Sighs] You okay?

Joan: I will be.

Jake: I told you it wasn't going to be easy. You wanted to invite them, and, uh, you showed a lot of courage.

Joan: It wasn' all bad.

Jake: No, no, I guess not. Oh, of course, they just got here five minutes ago. [Groans]

[JOAN'S APARTMENT.]

Joan: This, um, apple crisp recipe came in on the Mayflower.

Marie: Alice, I just think it's heroic that someone as talented as you should choose to teach public school. You are my definition of the word cool.

Alice: I'm not cool. I'm not even nice. I got problems you don't even know about.

Marie: And modest. I have never seen such a combination of modesty and fire as you have.

Alice: We're friends, right?

Marie: I think so.

Alice: Then do me a favor. Can we please talk about Joan now? Wait till you see her photo albums.

Joan; Oh, oh, great idea, Alice. I'd love to show you my photo album.

[JOAN LUGS OVER A HUGE PHOTO ALBUM]

Joan: Okay, here we go. Yep uh, yep... Friends and family, nieces and nephews, and, oh, some, uh, some people who got snowed in at O'Hare when I was there. I'd love to see your photo album someday, and see pictures of Jake when he was a baby.

Marie: Oh, there are no pictures.

Joan: Well, you can't mean no pictures.

Marie: No pictures.

Joan: But there's baby pictures.

Marie: No pictures.

Joan: What, were they burned in a fire?

Marie: We don't own a camera. Some people actually live life, others take pictures of it.

Joan: Huh.

Jake: [Groans] Excuse me. I-I'Like to say my first words of the evening. Actually, I'd like to scream my first words of the evening, but these kind folks raised me to be -- well, to be... angry, sullen, and silent. You know what? I've sat here all night long and I've listened to you systematically criticize and belittle the woman that I love. No, no, no, no. And you know what? Your actions are a real shame because if you just let your guard down once, you would have had a great evening tonight. But you know, I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you didn't get to realize that tonight you've met the greatest woman that walked the face of the earth. But you know what? The evening's over, and I'll take you to the airport, and you're safe now.

Howard: Why can't we just talk about--

Jake: No, dad, I think everyone's talked enough tonight.

Joan: Jake, it's okay.

Jake: No, that's all right. We're leaving. Thank you.

Joan: Nice to meet you!

[JAKE AND PARENTS LEAVE.]

[WAITING AREA AT AIRPORT]

Howard: If you think we're so terrible, you don't have to wait here with us, you know.

[JAKE STARTS TO LEAVE]

Marie: You have to wait here with us.

Howard: Look, I know you think we're a couple of monsters here, but why don't you look at things from a broader point of view without rolling your eyes? This is my philosophy of life. We're all out there, standing naked in a field of mud. We got a carrot in one had, we got a gun in the other. Suddenly, we hear a noise...

Joan: Let me by.

Howard: Oh, my God. It's the traveling interruption.

Jake: Joan!

Joan: Hi. Hi. Um, well .. First of all, let me reassure you tha hen you get on the plane, I won't be your stewardess.

Howard: They're called flight attendants.

Joan: Huh. Anyway... Maybe I should leave well nough alone, or bad enough alone, but I just think you people don't realize that you inadvertently criticized my religion.

Howard: What?

Marie: I don't recall what I said, but I would never undermine a person's religion.

Howard: I'm not even sure what your religion is.

Joan: Well, I'll tell you. It's family photography. It's deep, it's central, and it's what gets me through the tough times. And since it worked for me, I thought maybe I might give you this gift as a way of letting you know who I am and where I'm from and why Jake could do worse.

Marie: I wonder what it is. Oh! It's a camera. Well, that's very generous of you. I'll read the manual on the airplane.

Joan: No, no, no. We're going to fire this puppy up, and you guys aren't going to leave until there's a picture of you and Jake together. Come on, come on. Quick, quick, quick. Okay, all right. Now... It's not panoramic, so you're going to have to get way closer. Okay. All right, great, and then, Jake, why don't you get in the middle? Yeah, good. And then just, you know, put your arms around each other. Okay. Great. Now...Smile! Or as the say in my family, squeeze your bottom!

Howard: Ha ha ha!

Joan: Okay, and one more for safety! There you go.

Jake: I guess we can let go now.

Joan: Have a good trip.

Marie: Oh, wait, wait, wait. Thank you. Let me take a picture of the two of you.

Joan: Oh, great. You just press right there.

Marie: Oh, okay. Come on, baby, smile.

Jake: No, I-I think you're just going to have to take the standard picture of me being in awe of this woman.

[JAKE GIVES JOAN A KISS WITH A DIP, FOLLOWED BY A HUG]

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