And Then There's Joan...
006: Joan's Sister
[SCENE: JOANS APARTMENT]
Jake: Joanie, you're out of coffee filters.
Joan: (from bedroom) Ooh, use the cupcake papers!
Jake: (peeling off one wrapper- it is very small) Well, I guess we're going to have very small cups of coffee this morning.
[JOAN ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM, SETS A STACK OF PAPERS DOWN, THEN STARTS STARING AT JAKES STRIPED SHIRT]
Jake: (seeing that Joan is staring at him) What? You told me to do this.
Joan: You're not going to wear that shirt tonight when you meet my sister for the first time, are you?
[JOAN MAKES A FACE]
Jake: Apparently not.
Joan: I mean, the pants are okay, but that, that shirt -- I mean, if Tom Brokaw and Larry King gave birth to a shirt, it would look like that.
[JOAN OPENS THE FRIDGE, THEN GRABS SOMETHING OUT OF THE CUPBOARD]
Jake: Gave birth to a shirt? Where would it come out?
Joan: I'm sorry. I-I just want everything to go right tonight. And you know, you don't understand. Ann is my hero. She just does everything great, perfect. She's my junior mother. I mean, even when we were kids, it would be like, "Hey, uh, Annie, I've got a huge crush on Bobby Scarbetti and he won't ask me out." And then she'd be like, "Well, Joanie, just stuff your bra. Then when he does ask you out, you'll realize how shallow he is and you'll say no."
[JAKE, WHO MOVED TO THE COUCH DURING THE PREVIOUS SPEECH, GETS UP AND STARTS LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
Jake: Wait-wait-wait a second. Now, now, this isn't, this isnt something where, uh, where you have to have her approval of me, is it?
Joan: I don't want to get you nervous, but her judgment means everything to me.
Jake: Now, now come on. This can't be real. You've got to be joking me here.
Joan: Okay, just, just get through this one, and then it's clear sailing from here on out. But, but this is a big one.
Jake: I-I've got a radical solution here. W-w-why don't you just get over this weird thing about your sister?
Joan: Jake, let's be serious. That's not gonna happen.
[CREDITS AND THEME SONG WITH SNOW GLOBE]
[COMMERCIALS FOR SPRINT PCS, MCDONALDS, CELEBREX, OLD NAVY, SPIN CITY]
[SCENE: THE LOUNGE AT SCHOOL. JOAN AND RUBY ENTER LUGGING NEWSPAPERS.]
Joan: Hey. God, thanks so much for donating these papers to the drive.
Ruby: Sure. How much do you think these are worth?
Joan: Three-quarters of a penny. Oh, you know, Annie's coming to town, and I know she would love to see you. Can you come to dinner tonight?
Ruby: Oh, honey, I can't. I have very important plans.
Ruby: I have a date with a cowboy.
Joan: A-a cowboy?
Ruby: Yeah, he's a, hes a country-western singer.
Joan: Well, bring him. I'll make cowboy food.
Ruby: No. He-he-he's a non-verbal type. I think I'm starting to read things into his pauses that are way beyond him.
Betsy: Oh, hey, honey.
Joan: Hey, Bets.
Betsy: (to Ruby) Hey, Ru.
[BETSY KISSES JOAN AND RUBY]
Betsy: (to Ruby) You still going out with Carl the cowboy?
[RUBY STARTS TO LEAVE]
Ruby: (to Joan) Give Annie my love.
Joan: I will, I will.
Joan: (to Betsy) Youre still coming tonight, though, right?
Betsy: Yeah, yeah. I would have brought Mark if I hadn't broken up with Mark. But I did break up with Mark and threw away my last chance for happiness on this miserable planet.
Joan: Betsy, stop. Mark is over.
Betsy: It's so hard working at the same school. Yesterday I saw him playing basketball outside my window... (whispers) On the skins!
[IN THE BACKGROUND, MARK IS PEAKING THROUGH THE WINDOW INTO THE LOUNGE]
Betsy: I started to drool on the overhead projector. The whole class was staring at me and my drool started to boil. So did I. He is staring at me right now. I can sense it.
[BETSY TURNS AROUND AND SEES MARK. SHE RUSHES OVER TO THE WINDOW TO CATCH HIM]
Joan: Betsy, remember what he was like, flaking on the engagement!
Betsy: I don't care. I'm going to humiliate myself and ask him to take me back. I need to tell him now.
[JOAN GRABS BETSY BY THE SHOULDERS BEFORE SHE RUSHES OUT THE DOOR]
Joan: Betsy, you told me to do everything I could to stop you, and I promised I would!
[JOAN PUSHES BETSY AWAY FROM THE DOOR FORCEFULLY, CAUSING BETSY TO FALL BACKWARDS ONTO THE COUCH BETWEEN TWO OTHER TEACHERS]
Joan: You can't do this to yourself.
[BETSY TRIES FOR THE DOOR AGAIN AND ANOTHER STRUGGLE ENSUES]
[BETSYS PAPERS ARE SCATTERED ALL OVER THE FLOOR]
Betsy: Oh, my papers!
Joan: Oh, I'm sorry. What are we doing?
Joan and Betsy together: It's so crazy!
[JOAN BENDS DOWN TO HELP PICK UP SOME OF BETSYS PAPERS. BETSY PUSHES JOAN OVER, MAKING A BREAK FOR THE DOOR]
Betsy: Mark, Mark!
Joan: (from the floor) God, women in heat are strong!
[SCENE: JOANS APARTMENT. THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. JOAN PEERS THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE AND STARTS SCREAMING.]
Joan: Aah! Aah! Who is it?
[JOAN OPENS THE DOOR]
Joan: Annie Banany!
Annie: Joanie Balonea!
[JOAN AND ANNIE HUG]
Joan: How are you?!
Annie: Oh, it's so good to see you!
Joan: Come in, yeah.
[ANNIE BRINGS HER LUGGAGE IN]
Annie: All right, I got some treats from the kids, from the girls. All right. All right. Now, this is from... Carmella.
Annie: (handing Joan a strange looking knickknack) I don't know why.
Joan: Oh! (Joan holds it up to her face and strokes it) Oh, that's so sweet.
Annie: I know. All right, and this is from me.
[ANNIE UNVEILS A LAMP]
Joan : Oh!
Annie: I got it at a flea market.
Joan: Oh, my gosh! No.
Joan: I don't know.
Joan: I don't know. I love it!
Annie: See, it's got the olive from the couch-
Annie: -right? And it's got the orange from the curtains-
Annie: -right? And it's got the blue from the paintings.
Joan: Oh, my gosh! It's like the couch now works! You just saved me 800 bucks! That's great!
[JOAN AND ANNIE HIGH-FIVE]
[JOAN STARTS SETTING THE TABLE]
Joan: And tonight I'm going to witness the magic of the two people I love the most loving each other -- my sister next to my incredibly well dressed boyfriend, and Betsy, who is bringing... Mark. But
[JOAN STEPS AWAY FROM THE TABLE TO ADMIRE THE APARTMENTS NEW LOOK AGAIN]
Joan: Oh, my gosh! I love my new apartment! There's just no place for me to sit. I'll just, um, sit at the kids' table.
Annie: Oh, no, no, no. Get a counter extension. I'll get one over at Ikea while you're getting ready. And I'll take the garbage out.
[ANNIE GRABS THE GARBAGE BAG AND RUSHES OUT THE DOOR. JOAN FOLLOWS HER TO THE DOORWAY, CALLING AFTER HER ]
Joan: Hey, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's my sister!
[SCENE: LATER THAT NIGHT AT JOANS APARTMENT. JAKE WALKS OUT OF THE BEDROOM BUTTONING HIS CUFFS.]
Joan: Great shirt. Conservative, practical, just like Annie.
Jake: Yes, and thank you for delivering it to the office. Look, you-you-you gotta stop worrying here.
Joan: Actually, I really think you two are going to hit it off. And I've got two cameras ready just for the occasion. Panoramic and underwater! Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!
[JAKE BENDS OVER THE COUCH TO GRAB THE NEWSPAPER AND JOAN SPIES THE HOLE IN HIS PANTS. SHE GASPS.]
Joan: Take your pants off!
[JAKE TURNS AND RAISES HIS EYEBROWS IN A SUGGESTIVE EXPRESSION]
Joan: You've got a huge hole in them!
[JAKE REACHES AROUND AND FEELS THE HOLE]
[JOAN GRABS A STAPLER AND STARTS CLICKING IT]
Joan: Here, just stand still.
[JAKE BOLTS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUCH IN ALARM]
Jake: Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! I am not going to go to the emergency room and try to explain a staple in my package!
[JAKE GESTURES TO THE COFFEE TABLE, A STERN EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE]
Jake: Put that gun down!
[JOAN PUTS THE STAPLER ON THE COFFEE TABLE]
Joan: All right, take them off. I'll sew them. She notices everything!
[JAKE STARTS TAKING OFF HIS SHOES. JOAN GETS IMPATIENT.]
Joan: There's no time!
Jake: All right, all right!
[JAKE STARTS MOVING FASTER. ONCE HE GETS HIS PANTS OFF, JOAN GRABS THEM AND RUSHES INTO THE BEDROOM, SHUTTING THE DOOR BEFORE JAKE CAN FOLLOW. AT THAT MOMENT, ANNIE ENTERS, CARRYING A BOX AND HUMMING. JAKE SEES HER AND TRIES TO OPEN THE BEDROOM DOOR AGAIN. WHILE HES DOING THIS, ANNIE TURNS AROUND AND SPIES JAKE IN HIS UNDERWEAR. SHE LOOKS AT HIM IN AMUSEMENT.]
Jake: (hands on his hips, chagrined) It was a close call. You almost caught me with a hole in my pants.
Annie: You almost have to be Jake. A-a-am I interrupting something?
Jake: No, no. No. We're, uh, we're pretty casual around here.
[JAKE PUTS HIS FOOT UP ONTO THE COFFEE TABLE AND LEANS HIS ELBOW AGAINST HIS KNEE]
Jake: It's very nice to meet you, Annie.
Annie: It's very nice to meet you, Jake.
Jake: (trying to recover his dignity) Would you like a hand with that?
Annie: Oh, yeah, that would be great. Here. I'll get the, uh, I'll get the box.
Jake: All righty.
[ANNIE AND JAKE START PUTTING TOGETHER THE COUNTER EXTENSION]
Jake: Say, how is, uh, Frank?
Annie: He's fine. Thanks.
Jake: Oh, good, good. And, uh, how are Christine and, uh, Carmella?
Annie: Uh, well, they're rambunctious as ever.
Jake: Oh. I, uh, I, uh, h-how are they enjoying the, uh, the, uh-
[JAKE RUBS HIS HANDS ON THE WOOD, THE TURNS TO CHECK THE INSIDE OF HIS SLEEVE. TO COVER THE MOVEMENT, HE REACHES TO SCRATCH THE BACK OF HIS NECK, THEN DRUMS HIS FINGERS ON THE COUNTER.]
Jake: -St. Aloysius school?
Annie: (smiling) I like that you crammed for me. I won't tell Joan you had crib notes.
[JAKE LOOKS BACK AT THE BEDROOM DOOR, THEN SHOWS THE NOTES TO ANNIE, A "LITTLE-BOY" LOOK ON HIS FACE]
Jake: She stapled them in my sleeve. Listen, listen do me a favor. When she comes in, uh, let's start a little fight, like we didn't hit it off.
Annie: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay.
Jake: (raising his voice in mock anger) Yeah, well, you got the taste of what, I don't know.
[JOAN ENTERS FROM BEDROOM]
Annie: Thats a perfect lamp!
Jake: Yeah, you come in here and you change the whole place around!
[ANNIE YELLS SOMETHING ABOUT JAKES SHIRT SIMULTANEOUSLY, BUT IT IS DIFFICULT TO MAKE OUT]
Annie: I hate that shirt.
Jake: This shirt?
Annie: It's horrible!
Joan: (upset) Excuse me. What is going on?
Jake: We're joking! It's joking! W-were joking!
Annie: We just made friends!
[ANNIE AND JAKE WRAP THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER]
Joan: (disappointed) Oh! You made friends and I missed it? Oh, I really missed it? Ohh! Do it again!
[SCENE: LATER THAT NIGHT. MARK AND BETSY ARE PRESENT, AS WELL AS JOAN, ANNIE, AND JAKE.]
Mark: Here's to marriage, the finest institution.
[MARK IS THE ONLY ONE WHO DRINKS]
Mark: Hey, Joan, where's your nearest guest bathroom?
Joan: It's, um, remarkably close to my only toilet.
[MARK KISSES BETSY BEFORE EXITING]
Joan: On this occasion, our father's favorite toast -- here's to the best sound in the world.
Joan: Okay, Jake, you give a toast.
Joan: He-he always gets mushy when he's happy. Just -- just listen.
[JOAN NOTICES ANNIES EXPRESSION]
Joan: What's the matter?
Annie: Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.
[JAKE GETS UP AND PUTS HIS HAND ON JOANS SHOULDER]
Jake: To Ann and Joan, two of the most beautiful women in the world, inside and out.
Joan: Too much!
[JAKE KISSES JOAN ON THE NECK]
Jake: No, no, it's not too much. It's exactly what Frank would say, right, Ann?
[ANNIE STARTS CRYING AND RUNS INTO THE BEDROOM. JOAN PUTS DOWN HER GLASS TO FOLLOW.]
[SCENE: JOANS BEDROOM. ANNIE TRIES TO OPEN THE BATHROOM DOOR]
Mark: (from inside the bathroom) Occupado!
[ANNIE WALKS AWAY FROM THE BATHROOM DOOR, CLEARLY UPSET. MARK EXITS THE BATHROOM JUST AS JOAN ENTERS]
Mark: Oh, uh, forgive me. I like to brush after every meal.
[MARK PUTS A PORTABLE TOOTHBRUSH IN HIS BREAST POCKET AND WALKS OUT, ADDING ON THE WAY ]
Mark: And youre out of toothpaste.
Joan: (to Annie) I've got Kleenex here someplace.
Annie: Uh, nothing's wrong. Uh, you should go back out there.
Joan: Ann, they're, theyre okay. T-tell me what's wrong. I'm your sister.
Annie: Um, I'm going to go out there. I don't want anybody to be aware of this.
[ANNIE STARTS TO EXIT]
Joan: Huge makeup streak!
[ANNIE TURNS AND GOES TO THE MIRROR TO FIX HER MAKEUP]
Joan: Ann, you can't pretend nothing happened. Just -- just tell me.
[THERES A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. JAKE OPENS THE DOOR A CRACK AND SETS DRINKS ON THE FLOOR]
Jake: Uh, strawberry margaritas. Doubles. Go crazy. I, uh, I'm going to get out of here.
Annie: No, no, no, stay, stay. And tell Betsy and Mark we'll be out in a second.
Jake: Um, actually, they've already gone and Betsy left you a note.
[JAKE HANDS ANNIE THE NOTE AND LEAVES, CLOSING THE DOOR QUIETLY BEHIND HIM. ANNIE OPENS THE NOTE AND READS ]
Annie: "Nobody noticed anything."
Joan: Let me help. Everything is okay. It's my marriage, okay? Ill-I'll handle it.
[ANNIE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM]
[COMMERCIALS FOR MERIDIA, MAYBELLINE, MISS CONGENIALITY, DOMINOES, AND NYPD BLUE]
[SCENE: RUBY IS WITH CARL, HER COWBOY. THEY ARE STARING INTENSELY AT EACH OTHER WITHOUT SPEAKING.]
Ruby: You know, people talk to me all day long. I kind of like the strong silent type.
[CARL MOVES IN FOR A KISS WHEN THE TELEPHONE RINGS. RUBY GETS UP, LOOKING BACK AT CARL ONCE BEFORE ANSWERING.]
Ruby: Hi, Joanie. Listen, can I call y-- really? That's so unlike her. W-what did she say? Okay. Okay, 10 minutes.
[SHE HANGS UP]
Ruby: Carl, I'm sorry. I have to go. I have an emergency pajama party.
[SHE STARTS PUTTING ON HER SHOES]
Ruby: Okay, look, look, I know where this is headed, and because of recent developments, I think we're just going to have to accelerate the relationship. You are an amazingly handsome easy-to-be-with guy. This is what, our third date, so on the next date, we'll probably sleep together.
[CARL LEANS OVER RUBY TO KISS HER]
Ruby: Whoa! Down, big fella.
[SHE GETS UP AND GRABS HER PURSE AND COAT DURING THE FOLLOWING]
Ruby: You know, in the heat of passion, you will probably say you love me, and I will probably believe you. Then you'll hear the call of the road, which is fine, but I have abandonment issues which you'll want to solve by marrying me. Then you'll want to have kids. Then, because of your woman- on-the-pedestal thing, you won't want to have sex with me because you'll think of me as a mother. Then comes the cheating and the fighting, so it's been nice knowing you, Carl. Thanks for writing that song for me.
[RUBY SETS HER ALARM]
Ruby: You got five minutes before the alarm goes off.
[SHE EXITS. CARL DROPS HIS HEAD, REJECTED.]
[SCENE: JOANS APARTMENT]
Annie: Nothing is going to change after 12 years. Can we drop it?
Ruby: Have you told Frank how you feel?
Annie: Listen, I just had a weak moment at dinner, and I'll be fine tomorrow. I-I'm going to sleep.
[ANNIE STARTS TO LEAVE AND JOAN STEPS INTO HER PATH]
Joan: No. No. You're not going anywhere. God, what is this new thing where I stop women from going where they want? I'm like a glass ceiling.
Annie: Okay, what do you think?
Ruby: No, no, you talk. I don't think you know how you feel unless you say it out loud.
Annie: Well, I don't want to sit here and whine.
Ruby: So don't whine. Just talk, honestly. If Frank were here right now, what would you say? Joanie, come here.
[RUBY TAKES JOAN OVER TO A CHAIR AND SITS HER DOWN]
Ruby: You sit down, be Frank, okay. (To Annie) Talk to him.
Annie: Oh, this is stupid.
Ruby: Its not stupid.
Annie: This is stupid.
Ruby: Doing nothing is stupid. Come on, talk to him. Sometimes this works.
Joan: Nervous. Okay, let's see, um...
[JOAN STARTS GETTING INTO CHARACTER, ADOPTING A DEEPER VOICE]
Joan: Okay got the, uh, long arms and the legs going. Get the cigarette. All right, what's that joke he says every thanksgiving? They used to call this a recliner until they saw me in it then -- then they called it a la-z boy. Right hardy har hardy har hey hey.
Ruby: Okay, apparently Frank's here. Talk to him, tell him how you feel.
Annie: (skeptical) Um, I don't know. I don't really have a good imagination.
Joan: (as Frank) Annie, please, I'm trying to watch Sportscenter. Can you take it someplace else? Come on!
Annie: That is so Frank.
Joan: Aw, jeez, who put gummy bears in my ashtray? Oh, can you clean this out?
Annie: (finding her resolve) Okay, I can do this. Frank -- Frank, we got married, had kids, built a home, and then one day, you sat on that couch, started smoking cigarettes and drinking root beer and you never got up.
Joan: Aw, you're always like this when you get back from visiting your sister in Chicago -- Rubber Face.
Annie: Frank, we both know this is bad.
Joan: Normal. I call it normal. Nobody ever got into trouble doing the same thing every day.
Annie: Frank, I'm suffocating. I'm losing the part of me that I most wanted to pass on to my daughters.
[ANNIE STARTS TO LOSE HER CONFIDENCE]
Annie: Uh... Um, no.
Annie: The hell with this.
Ruby: (taking her arms) Annie, Annie, you just said some powerful things. You've got to pay attention to yourself here.
Annie: It's the tip of the iceberg. Thanks, doc. I-this...
[ANNIE GETS UP AND EXITS]
[RUBY SIGHS AND SHAKES HER HEAD]
Ruby: (to Joan) She is stuck. She needs to know that life is not about gritting her teeth and that there are other options, and if that means divorce, then so be it. She needs to hear that from somebody close to her.
Joan: Does she need to hear that from Frank or from Joan?
Ruby: (leans over and speaks in Joans ear) From Joan.
[JOAN SHUDDERS, BREAKING OUT OF CHARACTER]
Joan: God, that was weird. Um, okay, so, uh, I don't know. She never takes advice from anybody, especially me.
[RUBY POINTS TO THE BEDROOM DOOR]
Joan: Okay, all right. Just you can't grit your teeth and -- and --
Joan: Options. Okay.
[SCENE: JOANS BEDROOM. ANNIE IS SITTING ON THE BED HOLDING A PILLOW. JOAN ENTERS AND WALKS OVER TO HER.]
Joan: Okay, Annie, I know I'm your little sister, and you've always done everything for me, and you won't let me do anything for you, but I'm going to tell you something that's going to change your life. You just have got to
[JOAN SUDDENLY STOPS]
Joan: Oh, my gosh, I just changed my mind about my advice. Um... Just -- just give me another second. Oh, I was gonna tell you that you have other options, but you don't have other options, let's face it. We're damaged kids. We had loving parents that loved their asses off each other for 41 years, and that's why I go nuts when I think about getting married, 'cause I know it would kill me if I got a divorce, and I think it would kill you, too.
Annie: I know. You're right. That's why I'm not going to do anything.
Joan: Okay, good. Case -- case closed.
[ANNIE LAYS HER HEAD DOWN ON THE BED, DEFEATED. JOAN CHANGES HER MIND AGAIN.]
Annie: Just leave it. Just leave it.
[JOAN GRABS ANNIES HEAD AND FORCES HER TO LOOK UP AT HER.]
Joan: Hey! Would you let me give up like that? No! You would get in my face. Now, you can fix anything. Fix that joker, and turn him back into the guy you married! You just stop using your strength to hold your marriage together and use your strength to change it! Now...
[JOAN GRABS THE PHONE AND SLAMS IT ONTO THE BED]
Joan: Get going!
[JOAN STARTS TO LEAVE]
Annie: Well, will you wait while I do this?
[JOAN TURNS AROUND, SHUTTING THE DOOR AGAIN]
Joan: Sure! Ohh!
[JOAN PUTS HER ARM AROUND ANNIE]
Joan: Wow, you-you really bowled me over with that one. Oh, god! Do you want me to dial?
Annie: No, I can -- I can do it.
[ANNIE DIALS THE PHONE]
Annie: Frank, will you please turn off the tv? There's some important things that I need to talk with you about. First of all...
[COMMERCIALS FOR FLOVENT, HOME DEPOT, SUBWAY, HALLMARK, AND GOOD MORNING AMERICA]
[SCENE: JOANS BEDROOM. ANNIE IS STILL ON THE PHONE.]
Annie: Frank, what do you mean, is that all? I don't know. This is supposed to be a conversation. That means you're supposed to say something, too. Listen, I want you to take the kids over to your mom's tomorrow. My flight gets in at 5:00, and you're going to pick me up, and we're going to talk, and we're going to keep on talking until we -- something clicks! And if it doesn't, well, then, you're just gonna sit there in that chair in an empty house, and -- and nobody's going to serve you anything!
[ANNIE HANGS UP THE PHONE]
Annie: (to Joan) Do you think I was too hard on you, Frank?
Joan: (as Frank) Jeez, I was just sitting at home thinking about fish, and you called me up and scared me.
Annie: Sorry, Frank.
Joan: That's okay. Thanks for the talking to. I love you, honey, and I promise we're going to live happily ever after. The end.
[JOAN AND ANNIE HUG]
Annie: Thanks, Joan.
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