And Then There's Joan...

Fanscript


001: Pilot

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001: Pilot
Written by: Gwen Macsai
Directed by: Michael Lembeck


[TEACHERS' LOUNGE AT SCHOOL. BETSY ENTERS.]

Betsy: Hi, Bob. Hey, Mark.

Mark: Hey, Betsy. How did choir practice go?

Betsy: Terrific. The one kid that showed up was so good.

Bob: C -- he waxed my car -- plus. A -- never done a thing for me -- minus. Well, only 142 more days left of this school year.

Mark: You're an inspiration to us all, Bob.

Bob: We don't matter.

[BOB LEAVES. BETSY AND MARK START TO KISS,
BUT SEPARATE QUICKLY WHEN JOAN WALKS IN]

Joan: I'm sorry.

Mark: What?

Joan: Oh, you now, just...

Betsy: What are you still doing here?

Joan: Oh, I had an advisory with one of my girl students, and God, such problems you never heard. And I think decency demands that you can't end the session till one of you stops crying.

[MARK GETS UP TO LEAVE]

Mark: By the way, Joan, nothing happened here between us here.

[MARK LEAVES]

Joan: Betsy, when are you going to do something --

Betsy: I don't want to talk about him.

Joan: Okay.

Betsy: I thought you had date with Jake.

Joan: I do, and I'm going to be late, and he's a stickler. Fortunately, we're still at the stage where we find each other's faults adorable. I know his sure are.

Betsy: What are his faults?

Joan: You know, too good-looking.

[JOAN PICKS UP PHONE TO MAKE A CALL]

Joan: Yeah, Marcy needs to be excused from P.E. Uh-huh, she's holding down two jobs. She sweats enough. Yeah, I'll put a note in your box.

[HANGS UP PHONE, CONTINUES EARLIER CONVERSATION]

Joan: He's nice, though, you know, maybe a little formal and held back, but I may like him. It's just too soon to tell, too soon to start adding it up. I don't know. It's just the thing about him is... Caught myself!

[JOAN STOPS HERSELF FROM RUNNING ON ABOUT JAKE]

Joan: What are *you* doing tonight?

Betsy: Mark's coming over for a night of passion... to be followed by shame and cookies.

[AT RESTAURANT - JAKE IS WAITING FOR JOAN TO ARRIVE]

Waiter: No, sir, nobody called.

Jake: She must be on her way, then.

Waiter: It is kind of rude to keep you waiting.

Jake: Nah, wait till you meet her. You'll be on her side in 30 seconds.

[JOAN ARRIVES]

Joan: I'm sorry I'm late.

Jake: No, no, no.

Joan: I was going to call you, but I wasn't sure how you are about getting calls at work.

Jake: No, I don't mind.

Joan: Oh. Um... Let's see.

[JOAN STARTS TO TAKE OFF HER SWEATER,
BUT SEES JAKE LOOKING AT HER STRANGELY.]

Joan: I-I was going to do this on the El, but the last time I tried it, the train stopped short of the Wabash platform, and I inadvertently gave a lap dance to a greek orthodox priest. So, hmmm... You know, um, don't look yet. It's going to be a miracle.

[JOAN GIVES JAKE A MENU AND HAS HIM HOLD IT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE.]

Joan (to waiter): You can look. Okay, count to 13... slowly.

[As Jake counts, Joan gets changed. At the table.]

Jake: 1... 2... 3...

[FROM THE COLLAR OF HER SWEATER,
JOAN REMOVES TWO CLIP-ON EARRINGS
THAT SHE HAD BEEN USING AS SWEATER-JEWELRY.
SHE PULLS THE SWEATER OFF OVER HER HEAD,
MAKING A GOOFY FACE IN THE PROCESS.]

Jake: 4... 5... 6...

[SHE PULLS THE SLEEVES OF HER BLOUSE/DRESS
DOWN PAST HER SHOULDERS AND STARTS
PUTTING ON THE CLIP-ON EARRINGS.]

Jake: 7... 8... 9...

[THE WAITER MOTIONS TO JOAN ABOUT HER HAIR.
JOAN GRABS A BREADSTICK AND USES IT TO
SECURE HER HAIR AT THE BACK OF HER HEAD.]

Jake: 10... 11... 12...

[SHE DABS WATER ON HER LIPS AND VOILA!]

Jake: 13. You do realize there are some women who just come in and sit down, but you make hello as exciting as humanly possible. You know that?

Joan: Oh, what a sweet thing to say.

[JOAN GIVES JAKE A KISS]

Joan: I'm sorry. You're a banker and everything. I don't know how you are about being personally kissed in a restaurant.

Jake: Well, I don't know. Try me again.

[SHE DOES]

Jake: Apparently, I'm okay with it.

[JOAN STARTS LOOKING AT THE MENU
BUT REALIZES THAT JAKE IS STARING AT HER]

Joan: Come on. Stop it. Cut it -- cut it out. Let's order. Adults in business here.

Jake: Joan, look at me. I am the guy that I make fun of in restaurants. I can't stay away from you. You do that to me.

Joan: Oh, it's a...Power. Ooooh! Rigatoni.

Jake: Joan, in my own way, and maybe badly, I was saying something important here.

Joan: Oh. Oh, I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. God, be a great date. Be a great date. God. Be low-maintenance. Share a secret. Be a great date. Fun. They want fun. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm ready.

Jake: Joan, will you marry me?

[JOAN LAUGHS GOOFILY AND RETURNS TO HER MENU.
BUT JAKE IS STILL WAITING FOR AN ANSWER.]

Joan: A-are you trying to break up with me?

Jake: What?

Joan: Was that -- was that a serious proposal?

Jake: Yes.

Joan: Why would you propose to someone after nine dates? I'm not judging you. I'm just trying to get my bearings here.

Jake: I don't know. Look, Joan, since I met you, I'm a different man, and I like it. I had to do something before I let *me* get away, do you understand?

Joan: Nope. I-I want to, but I don't. Anything simpler?

Jake: Joan, I love you.

Joan: Okay, that's simpler, but, see, we never said "love" before. That word should come before a proposal. There's an order to these things -- you know, alcohol, sex, love, marriage...

Jake: Well, Joan, I think I should be allowed--

Joan: ...separation, divorce, alcohol.

Jake: So, your answer is no.

Joan: My answer is: two days ago, I thought was premature to put you on my speed dial. Just look at it from my point of view. Here's a hint -- nervous breakdown.

Jake: You're right. Let's go.

Joan: Go?

Jake: Yeah. You need to do some thinking, because unfortunately, the only way out of this is for you to give me a real answer, and, well, so you have a problem, and I'm responsible for it, and I'm sorry.

Joan: That's okay. Don't -- don't worry. I'll figure it out.

Jake: Yeah, because either way, it shouldn't be a hard one. I'll get your bag.

Joan: We're not going to eat?

[COMMERCIALS FOR: THE MOVIE "SPY KIDS," KFC'S "BIG BANK" SANDWICH,
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[BETSY'S APARTMENT. BETSY AND MARK ARE
KISSING WHILE ATTEMPTING TO UNFOLD THE SOFA-BED.]

Betsy: [Grunting]

Mark: it is so hard to be spontaneous on a sofa bed.

Betsy: [Giggles]

[MARK WHIPS OFF HIS PANTS LIKE A PROFESSIONAL STRIPPER]

Betsy: Mark, were you going to make love with your socks on?

Mark: I have circulation problems.

Betsy: You were planning a quick getaway.

Mark: Betsy...

Betsy: You're always planning a quick getaway.

Mark: I am only thinking of you, all right? What if I left in the morning, and someone saw us? I'm looking out for our careers here.

Betsy: Oh...

Mark: I'm serious. Rumors kill teachers' dreams.

[INTERCOM BUZZER SOUNDS AND MARK GETS PARANOID]

Betsy: Who is it?

Joan: It's Joan. Are you alone?

Betsy: That's too complicated a question. Come on up.

Mark: No, no, don't come up.

[MARK GRABS HIS PANTS, THROWS THE COUCH CUSHIONS
BACK ON THE COUCH AND GOES TO HIDE IN A CLOSET]

Mark: I'll give you some space.

[HE CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM]

Betsy: Why won't you be seen with me? Why can't we be like regular people?

[JOAN ENTERS]

Betsy: Hi. What's going on?

Joan: Jake proposed.

Betsy: Jake proposed!

Joan: And it's only been six weeks.

Betsy: It's only been six weeks! Do you want my opinion?

Joan: I-I don't know. There's no oxygen left in my brain. What is it?

Betsy: You should be married April 3rd. That's the wedding date I've always liked, but I'll give it to you.

Joan: Sweetie, let's just do your problem, not mine.

Betsy: What are you talking about?

Joan: Well, let's walk over to your boyfriend's place and talk about it. You have got to do something about this. This is getting way out of hand. I'm actually losing sleep over it, and what with recent developments, I may need all of my insomnia for myself.

Betsy: I have got things so in hand here. Worry about yourself.

Mark: [Whispering] Good for you, Betsy.

Joan: Okay, I need Ruby.

Betsy: What? I mean, we were just getting started here. Why go to her? Just because she's a psychiatrist?

Joan: No, because she is the smartest person we know.

[JOAN CALLS RUBY ON HER CELL PHONE]

Joan: Ruby, meet me in the cafe in five minutes. Urgent.

Betsy: Yeah, I could use a cup of Ruby, too. I'll go with you.

Joan: Okay.

Betsy: Mark?

Joan: Oh, god, I can't watch this.

Betsy: I hate to have to tell you this, but one day you're going to have to come out of there... Just not today.

[BETSY LOCKS HIM IN AND SHE AND JOAN LEAVE FOR THE CAFE]

[IN CAFE - BETSY AND JOAN WAITING FOR RUBY]

Betsy: Oh, Ruby's here.

Jennifer: Oh, Dr. Stern, oh, Dr. Stern. I can't beeve you saw Jimmy for free. You were right. It was insecurity. He can't stand the silence. He just goes on and on and on --

Ruby: Jen, Jen, if you really want to thank me, you'll stop thanking me right now.

Jennifer: Oh, God. I'm sorry. I-I'll get your tea.

Ruby: Okay.

Joan: Thank you so much for coming. God, I hope I didn't pull you away from anything.

Ruby: Oh, it's nothing. An award thing. Okay. So, what's up?

Joan: Jake proposed!

[RUBY LEANS BACK AND LOOKS THOUGHTFUL]

Joan: And thank you for not hugging me and jumping up and down.

Ruby: Well, I need a little more informtion before I can jump. What exactly did he say?

Joan: Oh, well, well, he said he loves me and that I'm the woman he's been waiting for and that I'm decent and true and that I'm irresistible and he can't take his hands off me.

Ruby: And you want me to tell you...

Joan: I want you to tell me he's crazy!

Ruby: Just because he loves you doesn't make him crazy.

Joan: Yes, it does! I'm not the kind of girl that sweeps guys off their feet. I'm the low-maintenance, dependable one that guys call after they've gotten dumped by the girl that swept them off their feet, and then maybe one night there's an inkling...

Ruby: Joan.

Joan: ..."Oh, I may be..."

Ruby: Joan. Joan!

Joan: What?

Ruby: Joan, why don't you just wait and see? Why don't you sit with it for a while, and in time you will know --

Joan: He wants an answer now.

Ruby: Like a yes or a no?

Joan: Those were the two he mentioned.

Ruby: Hmmm...

Joan: What? What's that look? Tell me what you're thinking.

Ruby: Well, he gets all excited and he knows what he wants and expects you to be at the same place at the same time? Easy. He's an emotional premature ejaculator.

Betsy: Wham, bam, marry me, ma'am.

Joan: Okay, do me a favor. Don't make fun of him.

Ruby: Whoa.

Joan: [Sighs]

Ruby: Whoa.

Joan: What? [pause] Oh, my god. I met a guy who can't be the butt of my girlfriend's jokes, which means I'm in love with him! [Gasps] That son of a bitch! How did he do this to me? This is big! God, what do I do?

Ruby: Okay, here's my advice, which I know you're not going to take. Don't do anything right now because anything worthwhile will still be there in a couple days. If you do respond now, it's not going to work, because it'll just be acting out rather than solitary reasoning, which is what you really need.

Joan: Great advice, and the really brilliant part is you knew I wasn't going to take it. I got to go see him.

[JAKE'S APARTMENT]

Man on TV: That's it for the second period. We'll be back from buffalo after these words.

[JAKE TURNS DOWN THE VOLUME ON THE TV AND
HEARS SCRATCHING AT THE DOOR. HE GETS
UP TO INVESTIGATE, CHECKS THE PEEPHOLE AND
OPENS THE DOOR TO FIND JOAN WRITING.]

Joan: I-I'm just making some notes -- just sort of a lesson plan to help us with our conversation. I'm -- i'm almost done. This is private.

[JAKE CLOSES THE DOOR AND WAITS.
SCRIBBLING CONTINUES. KNOCK ON DOOR.]

Jake: [acting surprised] Joan, come in!

Joan: Watching television? And eating? Well, we're having very different evenings.

Jake: What's up?

Joan: Um, well, let me -- let me get right to it. Um, ahem. You brought up an issue earlier at dinner. Do -- do you recall?

Jake: You know, I noticed that you've got a lot of cards there, and normally, I'd really enjoy seeing you read all those little notes, but right now I'm not really in the mood for company.

Joan: Little notes? All of a sudden, I'm company? Well, what have you done with the great guy?

[JOAN STARTS LOOKING UNDER PILLOWS
AND IN TRUNKS FOR "THE GREAT GUY"]

Joan: Where is he? What did you do with him? Will you just talk to me? Or -- or to put it another way, um, let's discuss the beautiful things that we've brought up tonight with respect and patience for each of our points of view. I am, of course, referring --

Jake: Yeah, I know what I said. I said that I love you and we should get married.

Joan: Good. That's what I have.

Jake: Joan, you don't get it. I think that when someone puts himself out on that kind of a limb, that it is your responsibility to not make them feel like a fool.

Joan: I made you feel like a fool?

Jake: First class.

Joan: I made you feel like a fool after the beautiful things you said to me? I'm sorry. It's just, I don't know. It's so quick, and I appreciate... Just nobody's ever looked at me the way you did tonight. I mean, nobody's ever looked better looking at me the way you did. I don't know. I-I have a point here, though. I don't know. My head hurts. I'm sorry. I'm so confused.

[JOAN HAS A 'LIGHTBULB' MOMENT AND STANDS UP]

Joan: Let's make love.

Jake: What?

Joan: We need medicinal sex. I need medicinal sex.

Jake: No.

Joan: You don't want me?

Jake: Not tonight, I don't.

[JOAN STEPS TOWARDS JAKE AND HE BACKS AWAY]

Joan: Ooh, you moved away. Now I feel like a fool.

Jake: Well, good. We're even.

Joan: [Gasp] Mean. I think it's time for the compay to go home.

Jake: Oh, so you're just going to open this up, and then you're going to leave. Ah, God, damn it, Joan.

Joan: Damn it to you, too.

[JOAN LEAVES]

[COMMERCIALS FOR: MOVIE "TOMCATS," CASTING COLOR
SPA BY LOREAL, H&R BLOCK TAX SERVICE; AQUAFRESH
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TACO PROMOTION; PROMO FOR NYPD BLUE]


[TEACHER'S LOUNGE. JOAN IS TALKING TO A STUDENT; ALICE ENTERS]

Alice: Hi. I'm looking for Joan Gallagher. I'm her new assistant teacher.

Joan: Oh, hi. That's me. Let me just give you a lesson plan to look over, and I'll be right with you.

Alice: Okay, great.

[JOAN RETURNS TO TALKING WITH STUDENT MAYA]

Joan: So, what gives?

Maya: I didn't do my˙ˇaper because I'm really having trouble with my boyfriend. I know. It's a flimsy excuse --

Joan: I don't think that's a flimsy excuse. I think that's a very valid excuse. That's an excellent excuse. In fact, that's a great excuse.

Maya: Really?

Joan: Yes, really. Maya, how can tryou think straight if you're having trouble with your boyfriend? I mean, papers come and papers go, but if you can learn to police the men that invade your brain, then you've really learned something. Now, I'll see you in class.

Maya: That's it?

Joan: That's it. Turn it in next week.

Maya: Cool. Thanks, Ms. Gallagher. You kill me.

Joan: Sure.

Alice: I must have missed that day in grad school when they said it's good to encourage your students to blow off their homework.

Joan: Oh, well...

Alice: No, it's okay. We're not machines. Are we supposed to prepare them for life, or what?

Joan: Thank you.

Alice: Let me take a wild guess. Something just happened with your boyfriend.

Joan: Six weeks, and he proposed.

Alice: Which is what you thought you always wanted until you got it. Here.

Joan: Exactly.

Alice: And it would be so much easier if he were like other men, scared to commit.

Joan: Yeah.

Alice: That way you could avoid every uncomfortable issue, blame it on his fear of commitment, and still come away smelling like a rose.

Joan: Amazing.

Alice: But he took your excuse away and left you naked on a strange road without a map.

Joan: And it's so cold.

[JOAN HUGS ALICE]

Alice: Oh.

Joan: And your name is?

Alice: Alice Adams.

Joan: Is it too late to say I think we're going to hit it off?

[AT CAFE. JOAN, RUBY, BETSY TALKING. JAKE ARRIVES SHORTLY]

Joan: He's great. I just don't think a proposal should feel like a blow to the head.

Ruby: Yep, there he is.

Jake: Hi. Glad I found you here. Hi.

Joan: Hi.

Jake: Can I talk to you?

Joan: Sure.

Jake: Sorry.

Ruby: It's okay. We understand. You want the illusion of privacy.

[JOAN AND JAKE MOVE TO A TABLE A SHORT DISTANCE AWAY]

Jake: [Sighs as he sits.] I packed a picnic. I thought that maybe we'd drive over to the park, and it's a beautiful Saturday. I got a ball and a couple mitts and the radio and the paper and the too-sweet wine you like so much and I hate - what do you say?

Joan: Your plan is just to ignore the other evening completely?

Jake: I had an off night.

Joan: Me, too, but it's just been six weeks. Can we just slow down to my pace, which is just so very different than yours?

Jake: Sure.

Joan: But you get that I was trying to express positive feelings?

Jake: Yes.

Joan: It's just, the other night I don't think you got me. I don't kiss people at restaurants, either. I'm too self-conscious. Good to see you. [she impulsively kisses him] Oh, God!

Jake: Joan.

Joan: Yes?

Jake: Joan, I don't understand why I'm so clear on this, but there is nothing that you can tell me about yourself that I don't already know or sense. I know how you feel about me even though you don't.

Joan: How do I feel?

Jake: You're totally in love with me.

Joan: Well, that's a load off.

Jake: And I really do love you. You look a little tense. Is there anything I can do for you?

Joan: Would it be rude to ask you to take the proposal back?

Jake: Consider yourself unasked.

Joan: You mean it?

Jake: I have never meant anything more in my life.

Joan: You've made me the happiest woman in the world.

Jake: I'm just glad to be holding you. [CC transcript says: "I'm just glad to be home again."]

[THE END]

-- captions by vitac --

www.Vitac.Com captions paid for by abc, inc. And columbia tristar tevision distribution

[COMMERCIALS FOR: DISNEY'S "102 DALMATIONS" ON DVD, OLIVE GARDEN RESTAURANT, OLD NAVY, RITZ CRACKERS, JOYCAM BY POLAROID, BANK OF AMERICA, PROMO FOR "DREW CAREY" AND "THE JOB"]


 


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