December 24, 9 PM, Eastern Standard Time Santa's Workshop...

Chief Elf [Gary] was surprised to see a tall stranger when he opened the workshop door. "Down here!" he shouted when the visitor stared right over his head.

Startled, the man looked down, fiddling with the [neon] newspaper he held in his hands. "Uh, hi, I'm Gary--"

"Hobson. Chicago, Illinois. Nice. On an epic scale. Except every once in a while when you start giving your friends a hard time. Your paper gave you away," he explained when Gary's eyes widened. "I'm the Chief Elf, you know. Listkeeper. You don't think Santa can keep it all straight himself, do you? Now get in here before you freeze your [nose] off."

Gary brushed snow off his coat as he stepped into the workshop. "[Totally wow!]" he breathed when he saw the [tense] assortment of toys that lined the shelves and workbenches.

"So, what's the big disaster, [Batman]?" [Gary] demanded. "How'd you make it all the way to the North Pole, anyway?"

Gary fidgeted. "Well, first I hitched a ride on a northbound [airplane], and then I had to trade a [apple] for a flight to Anchorage on a cargo plane full of [clear] [chairs], and then..."

"Never mind, I get the picture. Look, I know who you are, and what you do, but let me tell you, we got Christmas under control here. We are Y1999K tested and ready to go. The Pokemons are sorted by color, the stockings are [annoying], and the [Tickle Me Elmos] are wrapped and sealed for your protection. We've got plenty of [keyboards] and [crooked] [girls]--all for the little ones, Christmas joys. What could go wrong?"

"I'll tell you what could go wrong; I got a whole paper fulla what could go wrong!" Gary exclaimed. He waved the Sun Times in the Chief Elf's face. "First of all, you got a load of GI Joes with defective [toes]. Second, you're gonna get all the Bobbies in Chicago mixed up, and let me tell you, when little Bobby McKenna's mom finds that anatomically correct [Barbiel] in his stocking, she's gonna blow--and third, there are all the kids in [Brazil] who are going to get assembly directions for their new [games] printed in Swahili!"

"Okay, okay, I get the picture."

"Look, the point is, it's all gonna happen because there's nobody doing a final quality check, because in about five minutes, a disgruntled reindeer is gonna come in here and start [eating salad] and [programs] all over the place!"

"A disgruntled reindeer?" [Gary] asked dubiously.

"I guess they wouldn't let it join in any reindeer games." Gary shook the paper in [Gary]'s face. "You gotta believe me. It's right here in black and white." Just then, the door burst open, and in strode [David] the [Ugly] Reindeer, antlers waving dangerously.

"Five minutes, huh?" the Chief Elf asked Gary. "Guess someone's getting a new watch for Christmas."

"Nobody's getting anything if we don't get that reindeer out of here!" Gary grabbed a [gameboy] off a nearby table and brandished it [nervously]. "Get back!" he shouted. The reindeer backed away from him, and the elves were able to get a [dog] over its head and hustle it out the door.

"Hey, thanks, you really saved our operation." [Gary] reached up to shake Gary's hand as he showed him to the door. "Maybe you'll find a little extra [telephone] in your stocking this year. Well, have a [glass] Christmas, and--"

"Hey, wait a sec! How am I supposed to get back home?" Gary demanded.

[Gary] slapped his forehead. "Of course!" He hurried over to a cabinet, and returned with a [frightened] [cage]. "Just hold onto this and [run] it [64] times, then say the magic words, and it'll take you right back to Chicago." He whispered the magic phrase in Gary's ear.

"You gotta be kidding me," said Gary.

"Nope, it's 100% guaranteed," [Gary] promised.

He patted Gary on the back, shoving him out the door with the same movement. Then he watched in secret amusement as Gary stood, ankle deep in snow, and muttered, "[Don we now our gay apparel...]"

He was whisked off into the December skies, calling as he disappeared from view, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a [purple with green polkadots] [clock]!"

December 24, 9 PM, Eastern Standard Time Santa's Workshop...

Chief Elf [Andy] was surprised to see a tall stranger when he opened the workshop door. "Down here!" he shouted when the visitor stared right over his head.

Startled, the man looked down, fiddling with the [funny] newspaper he held in his hands. "Uh, hi, I'm Gary--"

"Hobson. Chicago, Illinois. Nice. On an epic scale. Except every once in a while when you start giving your friends a hard time. Your paper gave you away," he explained when Gary's eyes widened. "I'm the Chief Elf, you know. Listkeeper. You don't think Santa can keep it all straight himself, do you? Now get in here before you freeze your [ear] off."

Gary brushed snow off his coat as he stepped into the workshop. "[Blast!]," he breathed when he saw the [sweet] assortment of toys that lined the shelves and workbenches.

"So, what's the big disaster, [Scooby Doo]?" [Andy] demanded. "How'd you make it all the way to the North Pole, anyway?"

Gary fidgeted. "Well, first I hitched a ride on a northbound [Geo], and then I had to trade [snow] for a flight to Anchorage on a cargo plane full of [green] [lights], and then..."

"Never mind, I get the picture. Look, I know who you are, and what you do, but let me tell you, we got Christmas under control here. We are Y1999K tested and ready to go. The Pokemons are sorted by color, the stockings are [skinny], and the [Legos] are wrapped and sealed for your protection. We've got plenty of [catss] and [fuzzy] [trees]--all for the little ones, Christmas joys. What could go wrong?"

"I'll tell you what could go wrong; I got a whole paper fulla what could go wrong!" Gary exclaimed. He waved the Sun Times in the Chief Elf's face. "First of all, you got a load of GI Joes with defective [feet]. Second, you're gonna get all the Bobbies in Chicago mixed up, and let me tell you, when little Bobby McKenna's mom finds that anatomically correct [Raggedy Ann] in his stocking, she's gonna blow--and third, there are all the kids in [Spain] who are going to get assembly directions for their new [buttons] printed in Swahili!"

"Okay, okay, I get the picture."

"Look, the point is, it's all gonna happen because there's nobody doing a final quality check, because in about five minutes, a disgruntled reindeer is gonna come in here and start [throwing] [boxes] all over the place!"

"A disgruntled reindeer?" [Andy] asked dubiously.

"I guess they wouldn't let it join in any reindeer games." Gary shook the paper in [Andy]'s face. "You gotta believe me. It's right here in black and white." Just then, the door burst open, and in strode [Buzz] the [Shiny] Reindeer, antlers waving dangerously.

"Five minutes, huh?" the Chief Elf asked Gary. "Guess someone's getting a new watch for Christmas."

"Nobody's getting anything if we don't get that reindeer out of here!" Gary grabbed an [Etch-A-Sketch] off a nearby table and brandished it [carefully]. "Get back!" he shouted. The reindeer backed away from him, and the elves were able to get a [snowman] over its head and hustle it out the door.

"Hey, thanks, you really saved our operation." [Andy] reached up to shake Gary's hand as he showed him to the door. "Maybe you'll find a little extra [robot] in your stocking this year. Well, have a [tiny] Christmas, and--"

"Hey, wait a sec! How am I supposed to get back home?" Gary demanded.

[Andy] slapped his forehead. "Of course!" He hurried over to a cabinet, and returned with a [red] [chair]. "Just hold onto this and [run] it [5] times, then say the magic words, and it'll take you right back to Chicago." He whispered the magic phrase in Gary's ear.

"You gotta be kidding me," said Gary.

"Nope, it's 100% guaranteed," [Andy] promised.

He patted Gary on the back, shoving him out the door with the same movement. Then he watched in secret amusement as Gary stood, ankle deep in snow, and muttered, "[I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.]"

He was whisked off into the [new]December skies, calling as he disappeared from view, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a [large] [tomato]!"

December 24, 9 PM, Eastern Standard Time Santa's Workshop...

Chief Elf [Chuck] was surprised to see a tall stranger when he opened the workshop door. "Down here!" he shouted when the visitor stared right over his head.

Startled, the man looked down, fiddling with the [funny] newspaper he held in his hands. "Uh, hi, I'm Gary--"

"Hobson. Chicago, Illinois. Nice. On an epic scale. Except every once in a while when you start giving your friends a hard time. Your paper gave you away," he explained when Gary's eyes widened. "I'm the Chief Elf, you know. Listkeeper. You don't think Santa can keep it all straight himself, do you? Now get in here before you freeze your [head] off."

Gary brushed snow off his coat as he stepped into the workshop. "[Whoa!]" he breathed when he saw the [crabby] assortment of toys that lined the shelves and workbenches.

"So, what's the big disaster, [Superman]?" [Chuck] demanded. "How'd you make it all the way to the North Pole, anyway?"

Gary fidgeted. "Well, first I hitched a ride on a northbound [caravan], and then I had to trade a [boy] for a flight to Anchorage on a cargo plane full of [happy] [cats], and then..."

"Never mind, I get the picture. Look, I know who you are, and what you do, but let me tell you, we got Christmas under control here. We are Y1999K tested and ready to go. The Pokemons are sorted by color, the stockings are , and the [Bubbas] are wrapped and sealed for your protection. We've got plenty of [men] and [red] [cars]--all for the little ones, Christmas joys. What could go wrong?"

"I'll tell you what could go wrong; I got a whole paper fulla what could go wrong!" Gary exclaimed. He waved the Sun Times in the Chief Elf's face. "First of all, you got a load of GI Joes with defective [legs]. Second, you're gonna get all the Bobbies in Chicago mixed up, and let me tell you, when little Bobby McKenna's mom finds that anatomically correct [Barbiel] in his stocking, she's gonna blow--and third, there are all the kids in [Canada] who are going to get assembly directions for their new [girls] printed in Swahili!"

"Okay, okay, I get the picture."

"Look, the point is, it's all gonna happen because there's nobody doing a final quality check, because in about five minutes, a disgruntled reindeer is gonna come in here and start [eating chicken] and [streams] all over the place!"

"A disgruntled reindeer?" [Chuck] asked dubiously.

"I guess they wouldn't let it join in any reindeer games." Gary shook the paper in [Chuck]'s face. "You gotta believe me. It's right here in black and white." Just then, the door burst open, and in strode [Marissa] the Reindeer, antlers waving dangerously.

"Five minutes, huh?" the Chief Elf asked Gary. "Guess someone's getting a new watch for Christmas."

"Nobody's getting anything if we don't get that reindeer out of here!" Gary grabbed a [Furby] off a nearby table and brandished it [happily]. "Get back!" he shouted. The reindeer backed away from him, and the elves were able to get [Chicago] over its head and hustle it out the door.

"Hey, thanks, you really saved our operation." [Chuck] reached up to shake Gary's hand as he showed him to the door. "Maybe you'll find a little extra [McGinty's] in your stocking this year. Well, have a [blue] Christmas, and--"

"Hey, wait a sec! How am I supposed to get back home?" Gary demanded.

[Chuck] slapped his forehead. "Of course!" He hurried over to a cabinet, and returned with a [loud] [Spike]. "Just hold onto this and [run] it [five] times, then say the magic words, and it'll take you right back to Chicago." He whispered the magic phrase in Gary's ear.

"You gotta be kidding me," said Gary.

"Nope, it's 100% guaranteed," [Chuck] promised.

He patted Gary on the back, shoving him out the door with the same movement. Then he watched in secret amusement as Gary stood, ankle deep in snow, and muttered, "[Walking in a winter wonderland.]"

He was whisked off into the [quiet] December skies, calling as he disappeared from view, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a [large] [Gary]!"

December 24, 9 PM, Eastern Standard Time Santa's Workshop...

Chief Elf [Rupert Everett] was surprised to see a tall stranger when he opened the workshop door. "Down here!" e shouted when the visitor stared right over his head.

Startled, the man looked down, fiddling with the [indefatigable] newspaper he held in his hands. "Uh, hi, I'm Gary--"

"Hobson. Chicago, Illinois. Nice. On an epic scale. Except every once in a while when you start giving your friends a hard time. Your paper gave you away," he explained when Gary's eyes widened. "I'm the Chief Elf, you know. Listkeeper. You don't think Santa can keep it all straight himself, do you? Now get in here before you freeze your [supersternal node (you know, that thing from "The English Patient")] off."

Gary brushed snow off his coat as he stepped into the workshop. "[Holy Rusted Metal, Batman!]" he breathed when he saw the [overblownj] assortment of toys that lined the shelves and workbenches.

"So, what's the big disaster, [Spider-Man]?" [Rupert Everett] demanded. "How'd you make it all the way to the North Pole, anyway?"

Gary fidgeted. "Well, first I hitched a ride on a northbound ['84 Oldsmobile], and then I had to trade a [chandelier] for a flight to Anchorage on a cargo plane full of [corporeal] [vestibules], and then..."

"Never mind, I get the picture. Look, I know who you are, and what you do, but let me tell you, we got Christmas under control here. We are Y1999K tested and ready to go. The Pokemons are sorted by color, the stockings are [gorgeous], and the [Wacky Walkers] are wrapped and sealed for your protection. We've got plenty of [overdue library books] and [tenacious] [french fries]--all for the little ones, Christmas joys. What could go wrong?"

"I'll tell you what could go wrong; I got a whole paper fulla what could go wrong!" Gary exclaimed. He waved the Sun Times in the Chief Elf's face. "First of all, you got a load of GI Joes with defective [fingernails]. Second, you're gonna get all the Bobbies in Chicago mixed up, and let me tell you, when little Bobby McKenna's mom finds that anatomically correct [American Girls Collection doll] in his stocking, she's gonna blow--and third, there are all the kids in [Myanmar] who are going to get assembly directions for their new [fraternities] printed in Swahili!"

"Okay, okay, I get the picture."

"Look, the point is, it's all gonna happen because there's nobody doing a final quality check, because in about five minutes, a disgruntled reindeer is gonna come in here and start [smashng] [breakfast burritos] all over the place!"

"A disgruntled reindeer?" [Rupert Everett] asked dubiously.

"I guess they wouldn't let it join in any reindeer games." Gary shook the paper in [Rupert Everett]'s face. "You gotta believe me. It's right here in black and white." Just then, the door burst open, and in strode [Earl Y. Edition] the [Pompous] Reindeer, antlers waving dangerously.

"Five minutes, huh?" the Chief Elf asked Gary. "Guess someone's getting a new watch for Christmas."

"Nobody's getting anything if we don't get that reindeer out of here!" Gary grabbed a [Storm Trooper Action Figure] off a nearby table and brandished it [ponderously]. "Get back!" he shouted. The reindeer backed away from him, and the elves were able to get a [lamp] over its head and hustle it out the door.

"Hey, thanks, you really saved our operation." [Rupert Everett] reached up to shake Gary's hand as he showed him to the door. "Maybe you'll find a little extra [electric blanket] in your stocking this year. Well, have a [fuzzy] Christmas, and--"

"Hey, wait a sec! How am I supposed to get back home?" Gary demanded.

[Rupert Everett] slapped his forehead. "Of course!" He hurried over to a cabinet, and returned with a [creamy] [beanbag chair]. "Just hold onto this and [beat] it [27] times, then say the magic words, and it'll take you right back to Chicago." He whispered the magic phrase in Gary's ear.

"You gotta be kidding me," said Gary.

"Nope, it's 100% guaranteed," [Rupert Everett] promised.

He patted Gary on the back, shoving him out the door with the same movement. Then he watched in secret amusement as Gary stood, ankle deep in snow, and muttered, "[I still want a hula hoop!]"

He was whisked off into the [cerebral] December skies, calling as he disappeared from view, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a [malicious] [valise]!"